More Info: Does anyone have this problem?

Question

I adopted my daughter who was 13 now 16.She is not doing good at all. In the last month she has stabbed someone with a pen, started kicking, screaming, and throwing fits. She also tried to sneak out on a field trip when she wasn't supposed to. Now, she is looking at possibly being moved to stricter treatment. The girl we saw yesterday is not the one we have known for 5 years. They are saying that she will need to be in assisted living treatment for a long time, into her 20's unless she starts taking responcibility for her actions. She is only in the 9th/ grade so that puts her lower academicly, too. She is very smart, I mean truely. But she refuses to follow rules of any kind. I can not say how many times the councilor said, "she is totally defiant" yesterday. I do know that she can change if she wanted too. But what's sad is there's alot of people that blame her problems on me, IT'S NOT DHS, AND DEFINITY NOT THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS IT"S THE BIRTH PARENTS THAT DAMAGED THEM.

Answer 1

I'm all for people who want large families but you obviously have too much on your plate.  You're so quick to push blame on everybody else instead of looking at what you can do to help her.

You're so quick to label her as a problem child rather than finding a solution.  How can you possibly help somebody you've already labeled as being 'bad'.  Abandoned once, why not again...this is obviously her fate the way you are acting.  I realize that some kids have the fight or flight mentality, my brother being one of them & my parents sent him off as well...it was actually a 'good' thing for him yet at the same time I know that things could have been done differently first before sending him away.

And who is 'they' when you state that 'they are saying that she will need to be in assisted living treatment'...unfortunately, it is your problem.  She is your daughter, right?  So handle it instead of pushing it off onto somebody else.  When it gets hard you're suppose to show her that you will still be there.  How else is she suppose to learn to face her problems instead of running away from if her 'mom' shows her that it's okay to run away every time it gets hard?

Answer 2

Everyone: Have you read this woman's other questions? She is VERY controlling and meddeling. She goes into her adult son's apartment at 2:00am to catch him with a girl and forbids him to see the girl, then tries to take the girl's baby away.

I have read your other questions. I see controlling and meddling parent all over them. Her problems are DEFINITELY YOUR FAULT. She needs to get away from you now before she is ruined for life, like how you have ruined your son and are trying to ruin your grandchildren.

Answer 3

Samone, TOTAL MAD RESPECT!!!!!!!

So you blame the birth parents? The foster care system and being moved every 3 months had nuthing to do with it. Being stolen from her family. Has nuthing to do with her acting out?

Here I will give you a view from her eyes that you probably didn't care to think of. I was the same way when I was her age except it took 10 staff to hold me to the ground eventually I adapted. They needed tools and drugs after awhile. Even then I could not be controlled and sold to a "Nice family". So I was ditched on the streets with the cloths on my back... forever alone... familyless and friendless... and totally and utterly alone with so many problems. I am lucky I survived to talk about it today and try to get the rest of you to help me stop these people from ding this to others.. foster care and adoption are barbaric.... at best..

Here is what we think.

Our family is stolen from us our lives turned upside down. And not one person will be honest with us. Thinking we don't know they are lying to us..

This stranger says she is my new mom. I don't want a new mom I want my REAL one.

People say mean things about our parents and us.

People accuse us of being disturbed never connecting it with the longer we are in care and away from our REAL families (Abusive or not) the more "disturbed" we become.

The reality is she is not a child with problems.

I was not fighting cause I had issues or a disturbed child as people labeled me.. I was an issue because I was fighting my kidnappers.

I was fighting the people who took everything from me and expected me to be grateful for it after.

She sees all of you as the enemy. That will not change.

Some of us accept this fate like a two bit chump. I mean their kids, what do they know right? But some of us. fight with everything we have and that lack of respect for authority does not go away. Especially when authorities abuse that authority.

She fights cause she truly thinks you all are the enemy but.. she is still a child and wants to be loved.... so those feelings are mixed.. a h**l your limited minds will never grasp.. But you will certainly punish her for it..

Answer 4

She's testing, pushing boundaries to the limit and is hurting.

Acting out is a form of communication from someone who perhaps doesn't have the words to describe the pain and feelings inside.

I think she is looking for proof that she is not going to be rejected/abandoned again.   She needs guidance, understanding and love from you and the reassurance and security that she will never be threatened with abandonment or be abandoned again.   Please don't give up on your daughter; that will only prove her fears are correct

Answer 5

It sounds like you're in a tough situation and you're doing everything you can.  Sometimes, sadly, love just isn't enough and some kids need professional intervention.  It she is violently acting out like this, she needs some serious help.  I think you've done the right thing, by getting her the help you need.  It doesn't make you a bad or inadequate parent, just a responsible one.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around some of these other responses.  This girl needs help NOW!  She needs help beyond what can be reasonably expected from parents. She is nearly an adult and having violent episodes with an adult-sized body.  This can cross the line from acting out to physical assault and battery, with the legal system stepping in, very quickly!  Plus, it sounds as though there are other children in the home that may need to be protected from this girl until she learns the tools to control herself and deal with her obvious traumatic past.  For heaven's sake, this isn't a two year old pitching a fit in a grocery store!  

Good luck!

Answer 6

WOW

I don't see a question here.. but I'm putting my 2 cents in anyway.

When you posted this a few days ago I told you it could very well have been writen about me. Now I'm convinced it is.

My a parents stuck me in a behavioural modification group home too. Then convinced I was too much hassle, they placed me in foster care after the group home said I was normal in everyway.

Not only do I resent my a parents for doing this to me, I don't speak to them, I moved over 1000 miles away to escape them. I HATE them for everything they did to me.

When I was looking for love & understanding.. they abandoned me to strangers & walked away because I wasn't perfect enough.

You have just added to this girl's problems & rather than love her unconditionally & help her threw it, you've just thrown her in the system & walked away.

I'm glad that I'm not the one walking around with that on MY consience. But I can assure you in a few years when she's grown & emotionally scarred writing posts on forums to try to work through all that emotional scarring. I will be there helping HER

Answer 7

I can't say much to help, but you're doing the right thing.  Residential treatment facilities can be good places, and kids can get a lot of help there that you can't give at home (simply because you can't be 8 places at once, and you're probably not a therapist).  A 13 year old most likely has some pretty severe attachment issues upon entering your home, and you're absolutely right, it's NOT your fault.  Your continued presence and unconditional love could help her get through this.  It sounds to me like she's never experienced those things before, so keep doing what you're doing.  Even if it never sinks in, just don't give up!  

Also remember that she has experienced a very real loss.  Even if her family was the worst psycho serial killer bunch on the planet, they're still her family, and having been adopted means there's NO chance she will ever go back to her family as a child.  No matter how bad her family is, she is going to grieve over their loss for a very long time.

I understand where the staff were coming from saying that she could be in treatment for a long time.  I've seen it happen, and it's a very real possibility.  However, I'd really urge you, when you talk to your daughter, to always "be on her side" (that's not to imply you're not on her side...I'm just having trouble finding the words before my morning coffee, lol).  Always let her know that you believe in her, and you know she can do this!  You know it's hard, but she's a fighter, and she CAN overcome!  Support her no matter what!  Even if you're wrong, and she doesn't care, and your words fall on deaf ears...well, at least she knows there's someone in her corner no matter what.  Good luck, and take care of yourself!!!

ETA:  There are people out there who have adopted 34 or more kids, and they do well.  Who's to say what size is best for anyone else's family?  If you can handle this, good on you.  I personally couldn't handle more than two, especially if any of them had special needs, but I know people who thrive on "the more the merrier", so who am I to judge?

Answer 8

What is your question?

Answer 9

You sound really screwed up.

I have read over your other questions (about your son and grandchildren).

You probably should just let her live in the group home because she seems to need a lot of help.  Your life situation seems chaotic and is probably not the best place for her at this time.

I do not know how you expect to gain custody of your grandchildren on top of all of this.  I hope you will understand that your grandchildren are better off with their mothers, and not you.

Answer 10

i don,t know her parents background,but she may be having a behavior problem that could be helped with medication of some kind.maybe you were alittle strict with her.home schooling keeps her from being with girls her age and having friends.ask about medication,can,t hurt

Answer 11

I'm sorry I don't feel like I am getting the whole story, by what you said here and your other questions. But no it's not always the adoptive parents fault but I do believe that sometimes it is. Your other questions you sound controling, and noisey.. does that have anything to do with why people think you did this girl wrong?

Answer 12

Ma'am, please stop worrying about assigning blame or whether people blame you.  Put that energy into working with your daughter and those who are supposed to be helping her.

Why are you on Y!A with this?  These are serious issues and you need to be talking with the people in the facilities.  You are on the wrong track with your concerns about blame and looking for sympathy and agreement that it's "not your fault."  

Go take care of  your daughter.