More details about why I don't want my father helping me with the child?

Question

I had asked this question last night:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/;_ylc=X3oDMTE1bHFobXNyBF9TAzIxMTU1MjExMTgEc2VjA2Fuc19ub3QEc2xrA3N1YmplY3Q-;_ylv=3?qid=20080327111342AAotHAE

I'm 20 and this is my second pregnancy, I was using birth control both times (barrier method the first time and chemical birth control the second time) and still got pregnant both times, so don't go spewing your mouth off about not wanting to take responsibility for my actions as I DID take precautions.

Dealing with my father is going to be hard because of his violent tendencies, this is also why I refuse to let him help take care of the child, he beat the h**l out of me when I was young to the point where I bled and ended up with permanent damage to my body, I will not let my child go through that h**l, so him helping is out of the question.

I'm worried about trying to talk to him about it because, if he attacks me when I'm preg and unable to defend myself he could kill the child with one bad hit! (Cont)

Answer 1

wow, you're in a world of p**p.  I rescind my answer to your last question.

I wouldn't worry too much about what he thought and i wouldn't spend too much time fretting about it.  In fact, i'd have very little to say to him during the pregnancy.  Have you already consulted with an adoption agency and began your counseling?  be sure tht they are aware of the things you have told us.

Edit: One poster told you that you NEED to keep this baby.  You don't.  You NEED to do what is right for you and hte baby in your current situation.  Some people are so against adoption that even when a woman voluntarily chooses it, they can't see past their own anger to even think for a moment tha tyou have the ability to make a rational decision . . .which, in this case, is adoption.  Please find someone else to talk to other htan this site so that you won't get coerced into keeping a baby you don't wnat to parent.  Bad enough your father is trying to coerce you to do it so he has a punching bag but don't let strangers here try to get you to do it, too.

Answer 2

Hi Victoria,

The first thing you need to do is get to a safe place!

Then you need to learn what your rights and options are.

You are 20 years old.  A mother of any age has the right to parent her child or to place her child for adoption.  Nobody needs their parent's permission to do either.  Keep in mind that the father of the baby does have a say before a child can be placed for adoption with someone else.  

I understand why you do not want your father helping you.  Unfortunately, not all people are cut out to be good parents.  Your father does not have the right to adopt your child without your permission either.  You do not need to discuss your plans with him.  That would not be in your or your child's best interests.  You are already being a good parent by protecting your child from him.  If necessary, get an order of protection from your father.  You do not need people like him in your life!  Move away if necessary.  Press charges if he assaults you or threatens you.

Once you are somewhere safe, then you can start looking into programs to assist families with babies if you want to raise your child.  There is financial help available, housing, WIC, medical coverage, lots more.  

There is no rush to match up with prospective adoptive parents before the birth because there will still be thousands of interested ones after the child's birth if you were to try parenting first and find that it is not for you.  That will also give you plenty of time to research the effects of adoption on adoptees & to speak with other first moms before deciding that is what you want for your child.  I wish you the best of luck.  Remember - getting you to safety should be the top priority right now!

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 3

I think that you should put the baby for adoption without him knowing first. And when the baby is finally out, then he'll have no choice anyway.

Answer 4

There is a free legal website called Findlaw.  It lists all codes for the states.

I believe any couple trying to adopt a child is investigated heavily.  If you go on record giving a testimonial regarding your father, your child would most likely be quite safe from adoption.  Hard proof is even better.

Answer 5

1.  You don't have to tell him.  As the mother, you have legal control.  IF he brings up an issue, especially at adoption, you will be dealing with him inside of the court system, and not in person--he will not be able to attack you.

2.  Try calling him, not talking to him in person.  If he will come when you call, pre-emptively call the police before he shows up, or call from a pay phone where he can't track you down.

3.  Have friends present--preferably big burly ones that could restrain him.

4.  Meet him in a public area where you feel safe.  Any location where you think it will be easy to run and hide is a good starter.  Plan on a place where people will be likely to step in if he tries anything.  Pick a specific location where there is a barrier between him and you--a table, a fence; anything that gives you a head start on running or yelling for help.

5.  Enter an abuse protection program.  There are many in every city--safe houses that won't release your name or admit you are present, no matter what, with very strict entry rules.

6.  Move in with a friend whose address he doesn't know, and won't be able to find out (at least not easily).  

7.  Get a restraining order.  This at least raises the consequences to him if he does try to pull something.

Answer 6

wow...you're dad is really nuts...sorry...isn't there any other place at all you can go to until after the process...maybe you should seek a restraining order and cut this man off...he's no good for you or anyone else

Answer 7

I'm not even sure where to begin...  What about getting a restraining order against your father?

I'm not familiar with Louisiana law, but, can you contact a local lawyer and ask for a consultation, some lawyers don't charge for the initial visit.

I wish you nothing but peace and happiness in what ever decision you make.

Answer 8

I read your other question here and saw some of the mean responses. I want to first say, My oldest son was conceived while I was on the pill AND his father used a condom. So, I believe these cases, the pregnancy is for a reason.

Because you are familiar with the adoption process I believe you know exactly what you are in for. I do not doubt for a second that you love this baby and your 1st baby with all your heart. I do wonder though if your main reason for wanting to find a new family for this child is to keep him safe from your father more than your not wanting to parent him.

If this is the case, please look into some Domestic Violence centers. If they tell you that your situation is not domestic violence because it is not your partner abusing you, keep looking. What you are experiencing is Domestic Violence. The right Center will be able to help you. Please call around.

I wish you the best of luck. You have a hard decision to make.

Answer 9

cant say a blame u

Answer 10

Wow!  Reading about your situation makes me cringe.  I think you are holding up amazingly well, under the circumstances and I know I would be a complete wreck.  You've got my respect for being able to think through a difficult decision in a rational manner, with everything else going on around you.

But to your question, do you HAVE to tell your father anything at all?  You're over 18, you're an adult.  You're free to move far away and he has no legal say in what you do or don't do.  

I agree with the previous posters, that you need to get to a safe place.  The other posters listed some resources.  If you do feel you need to tell your father, don't do it alone, don't do it in a private place.  

Please make sure you're getting proper prenatal care!  It sounds that everything you've been through has put your body through h**l. I hope you have a good OB doctor.  (BTW, your OB doctor may be able to help you with some resources for your safety also!)  

Don't feel bad about getting pregnant while using birth control.  My firstborn was conceived even though we used 2 forms of birth control.  I didn't have an iota of the issues you're facing however.

Good luck to you!  Take care of yourself and your baby!  If you believe adoption is the right thing to do and you've thought this decision through completely, then do what you think is best.  

But please, please, make sure you are safe!

Answer 11

Wow, I am so sorry. I hope you don't live with your father. If your sure you want to go the adoption route maybe try a Christian organization that will let you stay somewhere untill the baby is born. I know they are out there. Someone spoke at my church about letting unwed mothers live with them while they were pregnant. If your father did try to get the baby I would tell them what he did to you. I'm amazed you even talk to him. I will look back and if you want me to find more info I will. God bless you and I pray you will be ok.

Answer 12

If your father is so abusive, WHY would you continue to have contact with him for any reason? You are an adult.  By continued contact, you aren't being very smart.

Answer 13

7 1/2 months along is quite far, are you sure since you are still with the father that you do not want to keep the baby?  And if you know it is best to give the baby up then do that, it is your choice.  My sister does not want children and she knows that.

As for being so far along have you picked out a couple yet?  If not, that maybe the way you want to go, pick out the couple maybe from another state.  When the baby is born have them there and when it is time to go they will take the baby.  The decision is up to the birth mother and father not the grandparents.  If you sign legal papers giving the child to their knew mom and dad that is how it should be, but both of you need to sign.

My husband and I have adopted one son and last year were going to adopt a daughter but the father would not sign, so he was able to keep the baby.  Both of you have to be on the same page.

Answer 14

Um ?

You have a fiance ? a steady relationship ? and this is the 2cnd pregnancy ? where is the first baby ? sorry if you had a miscarriage but I didnt see that written so hence my question... why on earth are you giving this baby up for adoption ?

I just looked at your other question and your fiance is now getting a Vasectomy ?

Please do not be under the illusion that ALL Vasectomys are reversible and for a 22 yr old I find it hard pressed that a Doctor A DECENT Doctor would do a vasectomy on a 22 yr old , certainly in Australia you would be hard pushed to find one who would, certainly not for birth control purposes.

Vasectomies can cause huge damage and problems with peeing, problems with s*x and all sorts of UTI's. Are you aware that for 3mths you need to use some other form of contraception as well ?

Why dont you try using condoms ?

If you didnt have a miscarriage the 1st pregnancy Im really interested to know where the other child is.

Barrier cream is NOT a reliable contraception and you said chemical birth control but didnt elaborate.

Birth control is only as good and reliable as the user using it.

I think you need to deal with all these other issues over and above your father.

You do not live with your father and he has no say in your life.

If he is that much of a danger then I would advise you to get a restraining order and MOVE away from him.

I'd also advise that as you and your fiance are in a committed relationship that you grow up and take responsibility and raise this baby together

ETA You profile says

I'm 20, Pagan, and a mother to be, engaged to be married this fall.

How can you say you are a mother to be ?

A mother to be does NOT CONSIDER Adoption

ETA2 Well as a adoptee Ive done what adoptees do best...investigate...I smelt something a little OFF here so I had a look at your questions and answers

Okay so I understand a little more, but I hear LOUD and CLEAR whether you choose to admit it or not You actually do not want to give this child up for adoption....not really...

DO YOU ?

You are afraid , h**l you are 20, you have screwed up once already, According to your family (am i right ?) and then there is the personal question re 3rd gender that i read (dont tell me that doesnt way on your mind too)

You have a violent father

And you are afraid

Am i right ? Afraid that you might have some of him in you ? afraid you might hurt this child ? because you dont like all the *baby* stuff ?

Well DONT BE, h**l you are 20 you are a baby I could be your mother ! Im 41

You CAN Parent this child if you want to, yes the first few years are REALLY HARD but you get through them and YOU REALLY DO Get so much more than baby puke and sleepless nights.

Trust me I can hear you , and please listen to me, You NEED to keep this baby you absolutely really need to do this. You and your fiance need to MOVE Away and raise this baby together.

Go and get some counselling, get some help by a empathetic family member yours or your fiances

But KEEP your baby this time you really need to and i believe you really want to

(((Hugs))) to you and sorry for being so harsh

Edited to add2 - re cari/adoption-a-ok/allysa/whoever you are today...comment

QUOTE "Edit: One poster told you that you NEED to keep this baby. You don't. You NEED to do what is right for you and hte baby in your current situation. Some people are so against adoption that even when a woman voluntarily chooses it, they can't see past their own anger to even think for a moment tha tyou have the ability to make a rational decision . . .which, in this case, is adoption."UNQUOTE

Um NO I am not so against adoption and if you were not so entrenched in being up everyone, you would have read that i believe in adoption for abused children, orphans, foster children..but NOT as a form of birth control.

There is no reason in a committed healthy loving relationship to give a baby away......