Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was
having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly
100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,
the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales
pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said, "If youare killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't
have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only
has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send
into battle first?"
Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never
seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in
the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've
never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.
The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it
up again, saying, "Oh, my!"
"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.
"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up
north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours
of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although
she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to
take the boat. She rowed out a short distance,
anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came
the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her
and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to
herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape,"
snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to
roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist:
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him
earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position
still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted: and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside, beginning to massage him.
"How does that feel?" she asked.
"It feels great." He replied. "But my thumb still hurts like h**l!".
A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years... I thought he meant his money!"
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