More of my poetry.. What do you think?

Question

Addiction

You told me this would stop, that this would make it better , but it only got worse. Im sinking in this quicksand

deeper and deeper with every cut

this addiction has a death grip on me

excuse, me but what made you think this would ever help me?

I need help to slay this horrible addiction.

I can't believe you sucked me into this black, spiraling hole with you...

Thank you

Answer 1

This was good, but try separating the parts a littlr more so its in poetry format.  Also there are sites to post stories and potry on(not that you can't post it here I'm just saying). Like I use storywrite.com

You can email me for formats or about sites to use at

[e-mail]

Answer 2

It's okay, but I won't think it'll set people it the place that you want to take them. Addiction is ugly, fearsome and pitiful. Dark desperation must set in along with hopelessness, anger and sorrow, madness counteracts with terror! You know the problem, but your control is weak! You have never experienced those feelings or you would give us more than this weak display of false emotions... I stopped doing heroin and smoking pot cold turkey in my 30's and I am an expert at those feelings of torment and needing...

NEVERMORE

Promises broken that I will stop

Falling much further from the top

Sinking inside the quicksand

I can't breathe,

Addiction gets the best of a man

I firmly believe.

Black spiraling hole

Sucks my soul

Into rotten decay,

A needle's submission

So low that I can't turn away.

They horde all the junkies

And rummies inside a retreat,

A bottle of Prozac

And that's that

You're out in the street.

CHORUS:

Feeling nevermore

That's the way I'll be,

I am nevermore

Fit for society -

There's a dark cloud over me

Crows are circling over me

LEAD GUITAR SOLO

BRIDGE:

Deep dark depression haunting me

Everything I feel it frightens you -

Pardon my clinical disease

Lock me inside a room away from you.

Anger and aneurysm in my brain

Every time I scream it's all for you -

In and out of madness I go insane

Worms will eat away what a lovely view!

CHORUS:

Feeling nevermore

That's the way I'll be,

I am nevermore

Fit for society -

There's a dark cloud over me

Crows are circling over me

LEAD GUITAR SOLO FADE OUT

Sometimes I even scare myself! Thanks for sharing in my past pain.

Answer 3

This is bloody fantastic! You have a rare talent. Oh my, this is just so evocative!

Answer 4

I do not know if I feel the sincerity in it. I am not sure if it is even about you-if it was someone of it doesn't ring true. For some reason I have issue with using the word "slay" to describe trying to rid yourself of addiction. I would also break it up because some sentences are longer while others short--throws off the rhythm.

Answer 5

good description. where are u goin w/ that tho? try making it a progression of feelings or something. it helps draw people in if u start mild where they can relate and then go deep. some people might not be able to connect w/ it how it is