Mother in Law / Husband Problem!? Help! (Sorry it's long!!)?

Question

Someone please give advice about what I should do here..

I'm not going to type the entire story about what happened because it's LONG. However, myself and my husband have had lots of problems with his mother our entire relationship (only 3 1/2 years.) Before you get the wrong idea we have ALWAYS respected her and never treated her badly -- just stood our ground with what we knew was right about raising our son. Needless to say, about a month and a half ago we stopped speaking to her, period. She said some EXTREMELY hurtful things to the both of us in an e-mail. About 2 weeks into this, she called my husband and apologized, then invited him over. He said that he wasn't going to come over without me and that she owed me an apology as well. She said "I know.. I will apologize to her I'll just give her a couple days."

2 1/2 weeks go by. He has not seen his mother, and has only talked to her a couple of times for about 2 minutes each call. She texted me today, asking me to call her when I was done work. My husband and I knew that this meant she was going to apologize. I didn't want to talk to her, I'm still very upset (she has caused us a LOT of grief...) but I knew that the mature thing to do would be to call her and listen to her apology, and at least thank her for it.

I call her back. This was our conversation:

Her: "Hello." (Bad tone of voice.)

Me: "Hey, sorry I couldn't call earlier I was working late..."

Her: "That's fine, I just wanted to say I'm glad we're talking again, I missed talking to you."

Me: "Yeah.." (thinking this is a liason into an apology..)

Her: "Now that that's out of the way... Dave (her husband) and I are going up to the beach..."

etc etc etc. Her voice IMMEDIATLEY got all chipper now that that was "out of the way" and she just started rambling on like she always does, being all fake with me. I made an excuse about 2 minutes in and said I had to go. She invited us to dinner next week, I said I'd let her know and hung up.

My husband and I are both BAFFLED and HURT that she didn't apologize to me and is trying to skirt this over. I feel like she only wants to even TRY to skirt things over with me so she can have her relationship with her son back. What do we do?!? Neither of us want to pretend like nothing happened, because we both feel I am owed an apology and she shouldn't get away with how she treated me.

He wants to confront her. However, I feel like if we do, she will apologize fakely, even though she doesn't mean it, just so that my husband will be okay with her. I'm scared to confront her, and I don't want to ask for an apology. I feel like if she wanted to apologize she would have by now, and CERTAINLY wouldn't be just brushing it off like she did.

I wanted to e-mail her and just explain that I'm uncomfortable with the situation and will not be coming to dinner. He said that if I'm going to say anything to her at all I should call her and say it, or he will do it for me but no e-mail. I'm scared to DEATH of the confrontation by calling her.

I also feel like if we have to say anything to her that any apology I get (if I even get one) will be fake. That's not acceptable to me, and I'm just really not wanting to be okay with her right now. I don't want to be all buddy buddy with her and I don't want to go hang out at her house and be all social and c**p.. I'm just not comfortable. She was a constant stress factor in my life and I don't know how to deal with the situation. I don't want to put a wall up between myself and my husband over this though.. that's by far the most important thing to me in this situation.

He said he backs me no matter what I decide to do, but I worry that eventually this will cause a hole to be found in our relationship and our marriage will suffer for it if I don't just forgive her.. but I feel like I can't get all close with her again because of the stress it puts on me. Literally it's so bad that when she calls I shake and I get all upset and nervous to even pick up the phone! (My husband also gets very stressed by her.. it's rough.) He did say that if we could never get along he would always feel a sadness inside and he wouldn't be happy, but he doesn't want me to just fake it with her for his sake.. he wants me to do what makes me happy.

Please give me advice!! And once again, sorry it's so long. :( I just don't want issues in my marriage because I can't get along with his Mom!!

Answer 1

Honey, you are not alone! I had the same problem with my "toxic" outlaw (smiles) and stood my ground extremely firm, ya hear? Never let her instill a fear in you because that is what gives her the upper hand (and believe me, she knows it). Regardless of how long this has been going on, you need to confront her to let her know that you don't appreciate what has happened and that you deserve an apology, staright on. Now, naturally, she'll blow a fuse (and that's OK and normal), but at least she knows that you, my Dear, mean business, period. I laid my husband's mother out (not literally!!!), but basically, I told her she was trespassing in our affairs and what I did with her son was none of her d**n business. She looked at me like I was crazy and cursed me out in their language (I'm American and he's Punjabi Indian ((from India), so I'm sure she called me every name under the sun. Still, in the end, I did not give her the satisfaction of running my marriage, my life, my ways and the rest of my business regarding my family. Once you do this, I guarantee, things will be shaky for a long while but at least she'll know never to rain on your parade Honey! Hope this helps and here's sending you strong and powerful wife-fairy-dust-to-fend-off-your-toxic-o... your way! Cheers Dear!

Answer 2

At least your husband is standing by you. my ex never did and part of the many reasons we divorced.

unfortunately this woman will never apologize, she seems to be an avoider and passive agressive.

Answer 3

Yep, been in this situation with my soon-to-be ex and my in-laws. They have caused me so much grief that it has literally torn me and my husband apart. I was always the one getting c**p from his family and he never stood up for me. When I would confront them about their attitudes towards me, I was the one in the wrong and they had never done anything. I'm glad that your husband is standing beside you and standing up for you. Don't let her off so easy, she'll just continue to do what she's doing now. It won't be easy to confront her, but you'll feel better once you have and she'll realize that she can't just treat you any kind of way. Just as I told my soon-to-be ex, if there is friction between me and his family, eventually the friction will move on to us. And of course it did. Don't let that happen to you. Be straight with her, forgive her, but don't forget what she's doing. She will try it again.  

Answer 4

have your hubby to talk to her and to actually get her to APPOLIGIZE to you, sincerely because she didnt clearly before. this may be fake but hey what are you going to do about it, there might be no changing her ways. she probably thinks that she doesnt have to say sorry to make you feel better, and it works out for her because saying sorry might take a lot out of her.

you should roll with the punches and try to forget what this lady might have said to you because you might as well make your time with her enjoyable as possible.

good luck with the ole mother in law :)

Answer 5

If I were you, I would bring up the e-mail suggestion again. Tell your husband that this is the only way you feel comfortable dealing with the situation. If your mother-in-law makes you that uncomfortable, then this is the way to go. It will allow you to say everything you have to say without being nervous, and you can proof-read it. At the end of the e-mail you could ask her to call you, and if she does at least you will have said what you have to say, and maybe her apology (if there is one) will be sincere because she will have had time to think about the things you wrote. I know how it is when talking to someone on the phone makes you nervous, so your husband should not make you call her. If he talks to her for you, then you will definitely get a fake apology. That might p**s her off even more actually. He and his mom have made peace, now you and her need to settle your differences by yourselves. If he still says he doesn't want you to e-mail her about this, I would do it anyway. Just make sure you are tactful, and don't accuse her of anything.

Good luck!

Answer 6

This may not be what you want to hear, but I think you should confront her. Let her know how she's made you feel and you're not going to be comfortable until she gives you an apology that is acceptable and satisfies you. She may be acting like this b/c she's a mom and doesn't think she's wrong. She won't "get a clue" until you be the better person and talk to her about it. I agree, no emails. Maybe you and your husband together can talk to her. Him being there can help you emotionally. She might just be trying to save her pride. And if that doesn't work, just LET her be fake. I mean, you don't have to hang out at her house and be social if you don't want to.

Be strong and good luck.

Answer 7

Limit your time with her, set up boundaries, some feel because the are the "mother" in law they  can say whatever they want and can get away with it. Stand firm.

Answer 8

WOW! It sounds like you married my husband! My MIL is SO much like that ... this is freaky.

Here's how i handled it. Bare in mind, i'm not a bra burning liberal woman. I'm oldfashioned. THe man is the "buck stops here" leader of his family. YOU are now HIS family. He left home and married you. He's given you his (seemingly honest since he confessed that it would hurt if there was never a "mend") opinion. He's doing what (i think) is the right thing. He's got YOUR back in this. He's said what you choose to do with the relationship you have with her is up to you and he'll support you. GIve him the chance to prove his word to you as the good man you fell in love with and married. (though i susupect he's proved himself and you dont really need that proof!! Just from the stress you say ya'll endured)

So, what did I do? I made nice to my (Shrew) MIL. Didnt make her bend and bow and give me the appology i DESERVED. I am polite to her; I am not her "friend" and you dont have to be with your's either.

Good luck in what ever ya'll decide together as "Team (Last name)"!!!!

Stand together on this and you'll make it out stronger.

Answer 9

I think most of the earlier responders have given you some sensible advice.  Just keep this in mind:  You cannot force someone to give you a sincere apology.

Count me among those who have been in a similar situation, too! Your MIL is trying to manipulate you.  You have her beloved son. She's older and perhaps her life hasn't turned out the way she wanted it to.  Perhaps she's bitter and somewhat resentful.  We all know that she's got a lot of pride.

It's about the most difficult thing to do--to let this go and put on a happy face.  If you have the confidence and backbone to try to be the bigger person, please do try to let this go.  I don't know that I could let it go entirely, I'm sorry to say, but I have withdrawn somewhat from my husband's side of the family while at their gatherings. To them I just look polite and quiet, but he knows that there is uncomfortable tension just underneath the surface.

Your husband sounds like a gem.  I'd "forget" about the MIL's insults, but when your husband has a quiet word with his mother during the next visit, perhaps he can remind her how much she hurt you, how much you've had to endure because of her and that she never kept her promise to apologize to you.  He can insist that she do so on your behalf--as if defending you without your knowledge. That way, he establishes you as the top priority in his life and makes his expectations for his mother very clear:  He will not tolerate her disrespecting you.  

If your MIL does apologize to you (even if just to safe face to her son), your "surprise" at her unexpected apology will make you appear to be the more mature, kind-hearted person.  You can simply say, "Thank you, but don't worry about it.  It's forgotten."

This way, you don't have to have a direct confrontation with your MIL, your husband gets to be your knight in shining armor and your MIL is made to realize that her behavior is unacceptable to the person she loves most--her son.

In my situation, it helped tremendously that my husband and I moved 1,500 miles away from all the family drama. It's been great for our marriage, and being away from my MIL so much gives me the strength to endure her when we do visit.

Answer 10

Unfourtuanally you can’t choose your in-laws. I kind of know what you’re talking about, my mother is the same way, my brother got marry and my mom doesn’t like the girl. Some people are too proud; your mother in law is one of them. Sometimes you just need to accept the way they are, not because you are giving in, but to save yourself a pointless argument, no matter how much sense you make to this people, they will never accept defeat. Your mother didn’t apologize but she thinks that she got away with it. Is stressful to try and put sense into stubborn, fake, proud people. So just know that if that's her way of apologizing than you should just accept it. My advice is to try and see her as little as possible, keep away from her.

So eventually my brother confronted my mother and this is what she said to her, I was there. “Mom I love you, but you need to understand that I have a family of my own now, you need to respect my wife and never say anything hurtful about her, if you don’t stop I will no longer be able to see you, and you will no longer be able to see my son, so if you love me, you need to change your behavior towards her”.  After a couple of months, gave in and called my brother and apologize, I was shocked! Now I’m not saying she stop talking c**p about her, cause she does in front of us all the time, but she doesn’t do it in front of them anymore. Which in a way is not a bad thing.

Answer 11

I FEEL FOR YOU! ;( I think life is too short.. you said you have a child right? i would think maybe she wants to "work things out" because she wants to see your child too? when i was reading this i was thinking but what if you found out tomorrow that she has like cancer or something and she will pass away soon? would you still not want to forgive her no matter what? im so sorry you are having problems with her.. i dont really care for my husbands dad and he has said some terrible things as well but i wouldnt want to be the reason for them not talking anymore because my husband stands by me with what desicions i make.. i would think maybe you should try ALL sitting down together in YOUR home where you are comfortable and having like a mediator to help and tell her how you feel! Hopefully if she is a good person she will appolgise sincerely! just try and give her a chance and listen where she is coming from too! ;) hope that helps!

Answer 12

Don't forget about that email she sent, that was really hurtful. If I were you I will not go around her until she gets the clue and apologizes.