Mother in law driving me nuts?

Question

Ok, here is the situation. My mother in law and I got along really well when I was dating her son. The relationship became strained when he and I became engaged because she wanted him to marry someone "prettier" and whose family "came from money". And no, I am not talking out of my butt, she told me and her son these things. Now we are pregnant with our first child and she could care less about the baby. My husband asked her if she was excited and she said she had "too much" on her plate right now, and maybe later... plus, she is really bugging me, constantly calling him to ask for one on one time (no, I am not insensitive to this desire. She and my husband just spent two hours "one on one" last week and he sees her at least once a week, speaks to her on the phone more than that.) and being mad if he has plans to spend with me, or with friends. She will actually start yelling at him if he tells her he has plans that day. I just feel like she is acting so childish. I also have a natural desire to please everyone, and so I feel like I am being torn in too many directions. On the one hand, of course I would like to be included in their plans, but this doesn't happen. And of course if he and I have plans, I hate him being yelled at. But most of all, I worry about my baby, because when she comes, I know our lives will be totally different, and if his mom can't deal with him spliting time between her and work obligations, plus me, how will she fare when there is a child in the mix?

His feelings are that she is not #1 in his life anymore, but he certainly doesn't wish to say that and start a fight.

Anyone have any advice on what I should do to stay sane???

Also, has anyone ever had this problem, with grandma to be kind of indifferent to the idea of a grandchild? Any ideas what I could do to get her to feel more excited...or do to make sure her lack of involment doesn't hurt my child(ren) throughout the years?

Answer 1

Your husband needs to be very firm with his mother. He needs to tell her she has to accept the situation as it is, that you are his wife, and you need him now more than she does. He will of course continue to visit her, but he will not put up with being yelled at. He loves you, which is why he married you, and the fact that you are not her 'ideal' daughter-in-law material is unimportant - you ARE her daughter-in-law for real, and about to produce a grandchild.

When his mother yells at him, he should just hang up on her. And continue to do so until she gets the message. If she comes over to yell at him, don't let her in the house, let her make a show of herself in front of the neighbours, and even call the police on her - unless one of your neighbours beats you to it.

And he shouldn't be embarrassed about this - she's pushing him and stressing everyone in the process, he's let her get away with that kind of behaviour too long, and it has to stop. Let her realise herself just how ridiculous she's being.  

Answer 2

Your husband needs to sit down with mom and have a nice long talk. He needs to tell her that YOU are who he's chosen to love, to marry, and to father children with. And that its time she accept it and get over herself. Let him tell mom that by her shoving you aside, and making you feel insignificant, she is risking not only her relationship with him but her grandchild too. While he may not want to start a fight by saying these things, he NEEDS to let mom know how much friction she is really causing herself in her twisted need to control her GROWN sons life. If she starts yelling, so what? Let her. Let her rant, rave and stomp her feet until the cows come home. Because she NEEDS to know the truth for once and for all... that YOU ARE his wife, not someone rich, or "prettier" it's disgusting that she even went there, and that YOUR BABY will come first, above her, and yes, even above you. That you and him don't need her excitement to have, and raise a happy, healthy child. In fact, if she's that cold hearted, I shouldn't think you would want her around for her to twist your baby's mind as badly as hers is twisted.

Tell him he needs to man up, and set mom straight. That he can feel free to do it over the phone next time she calls wanting some "one on one" time with him, and if she yells, screams, cries or throws herself a out and out hissy fit.. he can choose to simply hang up on her and not speak again until she has had time to absorb the facts that the world does NOT revolve around her and her wants and is ready to be the sweet, loving grandmother she SHOULD be.

In fact, send her a link to this question. She's due for a nice dose of reality that she would find among these answers.  

Answer 3

Your husband needs to grow a back bone and a set of balls.  He needs to tell his mother that you come first in his life, not her.  If he doesn't tell her then nothing is ever going to be resolved.  Stop blaming your mother in law for something that is your husband's responsibility.

Answer 4

I can somewhat relate to what you are saying. My fiance (we'll call him Bob) was married and divorced before we met. Bob has a beautiful 6 year old girl from his previous marriage (that helps keep his sanity).

By the way congratulations on your first child!!!

In my situation, I sometimes look at it as I can never compare to the first wife (we'll call her Susan) in my future mother in laws (FMIL) eyes. FMIL has said some hateful things that would make most women run away screaming! Fortunately, I have a supportive fiance who is backing me up and has made me his priority over my FMIL (not unlike your fiance). Susan recently got pregnant with her new man's baby. When my FMIL found out she was upset and started crying to Bob  that, and I quote, "I am so sad now that Susan is pregnant. This means you and Susan will never get back together."

My response was the ring on the finger should have been the second clue, the first one being that they actually got divorced and have both moved on. FMIL still says other crazy things from time to time and I think the best way that I have known to keep my sanity is to ignore it. There really isn't more that I can do. I know though that FMIL is crazy and Bob knows so. (After al he should, this is his mother).

I don't think you ought to cut her out of your life unless she makes it that way. Especially with the baby coming I am sure you want your child to know their grandmother (this is when you have to put adult situations aside from what the child sees). I would say that you may want to speak with her about how you feel. You are all adults and should be able to have a civilized conversation.

I would never talk bad about your mother in law in front of your kid and hopefully the grandmother won't say anything bad about you in front of your child.

I also think that once the baby comes, you wont have time to think about this stuff so maybe your beautiful blessing will keep your sanity for you. :)

Remember, you can't change people and it sounds like she has had an issue with you from the beginning. The only way to deal with it without losing your mind is to ignore it or confront it.

Take care hon.  

Answer 5

First of all You need to DE-STRESS! This is harmful to the baby. You need to have a talk with her once and for all. If you don't, she will continue to walk all over you. After all, you haven't said anything thus far! Let her know that the two of you are together and that she needs to "get over it". Let her know that her behavior is causing stress which is harmful to the baby.  Tell her, that if she wishes to spend more time with her son, she must now include you in on the activities as well.  Explain to her that you and her son are now a family with a child on the way. And if she still doesn't respond properly; just tell her to "Grow Up!"

Talk to your husband/boyfriend and tell him that the situation as it is needs to stop now! He needs to look after you for the time being. You are afterall, carrying his child.

Good luck! :)

Answer 6

Your mother in law is well kept?  Dresses fashionably and accostomed to spending money on herself?  Was she an only child or the youngest girl in her family?  Does your husbands father make lots of money and too busy for anything other than work?

What she probably meant by "prettier" and from money is that she wanted a new BFF.  If you are not a glamour girl and sensible with money and time, then you are the anti-immaturity force in your husbands life.  Your step momster wants her boy to be her baby,  Im guessing he is the only child?

Answer 7

Who  are you sleeping with? That is the person you are suppose to try to be pleasing.  She is not acting childish, she is being a bully.  You are a women now you are in control of your families destiny.  If you don't know by now let me tell you it is not about her it is about you and your man and your baby. Don't you interfere with mother and son relationship because  if your baby is a boy then you will understand the bond a boy has with his mother.  You should be grateful that he loves his mother, then you know he loves you. Stop trying to be a victim you are pretty because you got the man. Stop playing into that woman's hands get your mind on your happiness.  

Answer 8

your husband needs to become even more independent of his mother now, because her demands on his time and attention will only increase with time ...and his sympathy towards her will likewise increase as he visually sees her aging....and you better believe she will play the "little old mother " card with her son more and more if she sees it works...This situation with your mother-in-law will not resolve itself by you being " kind" to her ...that time has passed in her mind... and its HER mind that will control your relationship with her...IF you don't act firmly first....You can not make your mother-in-law more accepting of her grandchild and your attempts to do so will be seen by her as a weakness she can exploit....I think her dislike of you will override her pride and affection toward her grandchild...Telling her son that she has " too much on her plate"  to be excited about his child's arrival shows how deep her " disappointment " and anger about his marrying you really is.....No one can advise you on how to handle events that haven't occured yet ...but you must recognize this woman is a genuine enemy.. and she will do what an experienced , aging, resentful enemy will do when jealous, resentful emotion control her her actions....Your only hope is that you, without whining or  seeming "evil", make your husband realize that you need his support in the future confrontations your mother-in-law will must certainly make in your life.

Answer 9

Have a girl to girl meeting. It is risky though, it will make you or break you.  

Answer 10

Do what my husband and I do - - go out of our way to AVOID any and all contact with the monster unless it is absolutely necessary. Of course it really helps that my husband cannot stand his Mother too, but even if he loved her to death, I personally do not even TALK to people I cannot stand - no matter WHO they think they are.

When we had children, we TOLD them we do not like Grandma, but gave them the option of getting to know her, so one Christmas they did - they instantly disliked her too - problem solved on that one.  I NEVER would force my kids to like anyone I did not like.  "Grandma" is so two faced and wicked we have nothing to do with her - - and that is our RIGHT.  

Answer 11

It is up to your husband to set her straight. He is an adult and he needs to tell his mother that she is out of line.

You can't do anything about what kind of grandma she is. Maybe it will all change after the baby is born.  

Answer 12

wow, i feel sorry for you. stand your ground, have a one on one talk with her. clearly i can see that your husband is just to scared, he wants to please evryone like you. but until then he is struggling. there is 1 upside to this. you probably don't kno this, but in china women have a lower status of men. they were suppose to clean the house, cook what ever the man tells them to. and when a woman gets married, (the grandfather chooses who she marries) she must obey his orders, and this shocked me the most, OBEY YOUR MOTHER IN LAW  

Answer 13

You married a momma's boy hon.

He needs to man up and tell her he is married now and that YOU and his child are his FIRST priority.

He still loves her but she  is NOT first priority,he has no plans to dump you ever,and as soon as she can accept this and learn to treat his wife with some respect he will make time for her then but not until.

Tell him until he can do this you have lost respect for him.Tell him those exact words.

Answer 14

Tell your husband he better get a grip and knock that **** off or he can go live with his mama.  

Answer 15

You referred to the baby as "she".  Tell your Mother-in-law that you're going to name the baby after her!  (Unless her name is really horrible).

Answer 16

Ohhh trust me. When that kid gets here, if you think your life is miserable now...just wait

I also have the MIL from hades and I too have always wanted to please. Your MIL is jealous of you and once the baby gets here it will magnify. One of the resons is, she may be able to control your son somewhat, but the child she will have to go through you first. If you do not feed her the right way, change her the right way...ooooooo here's one...you finally get her to sleep and you have waited hours for the nap, here come MIL and says I wont wake her, I will just peep in...for some reason every time she peeps in...well my look at who I found wide awake! Now your down time is gone and when she leaves you have a tired cranky baby. My MIL and I could never get along, to much jealousy on her part. Just keep smiling and remember this is your hubbys mother and put her on ignore. 'The only thing I can say is...lean to not argue with hubby about his mom ....if there is an issue you take care of it.It's between you and her. Only hubby can make plans with you and not cancel. (Mine always cancelled so as not to make mom mad) it's only hubby that can tell mom, I'm married. Until he does that...it's a lost cause. I can't tell you how many times we have seperated because of the MIL from hades...Good Luck and Congratulations on the baby!

Answer 17

What I think you should do is to move out of the state or neighborhood your living in and not tell your mother-in-law your new address and make sure your husband doesn't tell her either. Another idea is that you can tell your mother-in-law that she can kiss your butt and live with it because you two are happy with your marriage and that she needs to back off a little. I hope this helps you any.

Answer 18

My personal feeling on this is she is out of line BUT they are his parents. Apparently they/she did not approve of you (as many do not so your not alone) He is the one that needs to be up front and to up hold you when she has bad things to say. He may be scared of her or afraid she will write him out of her will-somethings going on there but if he loves you and wants to be with you then he needs to be a man and tell mom. Hopefully he didn't marry someone she disapproved of just to "show her." If he did everyone looses. Talk to your husband and just let him know how you feel I suggest you even get a recorder for when she calls or shows up when he is not there as she may tell him your making stuff up. It happened to my wife so when she exposed what she was doing to her, to me, I couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it. She actually told her that she finally figured out how to get her off her back was to leave me then she would leave her alone that's when my mom caved in and appologized because she knew I now knew what she had been doing to her all those years. Try to stay kind and not say things that one day you will regret as you can't take them back once said. If your husband doesn't stand up for you to her then find out why.

read these they may help

Even though you are married and no longer under their authority, you must still honor them by

pleasing them—as long as it doesn’t interfere with your marriage.

Gen 2:24 (NIV) For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,

and they will become one flesh.

You’ll notice that, at marriage, God tells us that we leave our parents and become united to our

spouse. We become one flesh with them. Jesus said:

Mark 10:9 (NIV) Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Even though your parents disapprove of your marriage and your husband, the fact is that you are

now married and have vowed to live with you husband for the rest of your life. Your vow wasn't just to your husband: you vowed to God that you would save yourself only for your husband as long as you both shall live. Your parents—or

anyone else—have no right to try now to separate the two of you.

However, it might be well to remember this: You were born and grew up in your parents’ home. They love

you as their “little child.” They never wanted you to leave, and no matter what age you married, it

was too soon for them. They are tied to you by bonds of love that borders on selfishness. This is a

natural feeling in a parent, and you will have these feelings yourself when your children grow

Answer 19

Your Husband needs to MAN Up and step up and educate his Mother.  

You and the Baby should be his main concern.  He needs to cut those apron strings.  Your Mother-IN-Law needs to back off.  

I don't know how your husband feels about his Mom.  But she needs to respect you, his wife.  Regardless of her feelings (sorry), and if she gets mad, so be it.  She will eventually realize the errors of her ways, if your Husband tells her like it is.

Cut all ties until she gets the message that she is not #1 anymore.  She is being very manipulative.  She knows what she is doing, she is not dumb.  

Just Love your husband and the baby, support him.  

Good Luck!

Answer 20

You have to hope that all will be well when the baby arrives.

My Mother-in-Law was actually quite hostile to me until the first boy arrived.  When she saw that I was a 'hands on Dad' she melted.  We grew to love each other and 14  years later I grieve for the loss of her.  As she neared the end she sometimes forgot who some of her family were.[Vascular Dementia]  Yet every time she saw me her face lit up.  That meant more to me than words.



There is every possibility that the maternal instinct will help you Mother in Law to change toward you too.  Especially if you let her boss you about as little, and advise you.  You might even appreciate some of that advice.

My wife found my Mum difficult too.  She wanted me to say something, but most of the time what could be said was only going to cause not avert trouble.  I found asking for advice, even when I didn't need it, did help.  She felt included.