Mother in law ignoring adopted child?

Question

Our son is not legally ours yet we just have to wait for the red tape but has been living with us for almost 2 months and everyone loved him and treated him like the angel he is. But since I have found out I am pregnant things have changed. Last night my husband told his mother I am pregnant and she said today she is going shopping for the baby (even though i am only 5 weeks) because it is her first grandchild. When I said no it is your second because of my son she said no blood counts more and he is nothing to her. My stance is you take them all or you leave them all and my husband knows I feel very strongly about this. And he knows that if she does not treat them equally she will not get to see either of them. She has already said she is getting a tattoo of this baby when it is born but she would never put my sons face on her body. How would you deal with this. I am not a big fan of her anyway and my son is not being treated differently. That I am sure of.

Answer 1

You are only going to make things worse by trying to force a situation on your "Monster-In-Law" who should be thankful for any children in her son's life and all children should be loved and accepted as family regardless of parentage.

My two oldest are not my current husband's. My mother-in-law accepted my oldest two children (they were 3 & 4 when I married for the 2nd time) and loves them equally with her own biological grandchildren.

It is not worth wrecking your marriage over either. Your husband should stand by you because his mother is wrong.

And your mother should be ashamed for treating your sister's children the same way.

In today's society of single parenting and divorce, Family is something that cannot be defined by blood.

Family is love.

If she is going to get a tattoo, let her. And let that be the only contact she has with her biological grandchild until she pulls her head out of her butt.

Good luck and stand tough.

Answer 2

I think you should be up front with her now. Let her know how you feel and what the circumstances will be if she doesn't treat the 2 children equally. I am with you 100% that they should be loved and treated the same. Think of the implications if they are not. The other will be hurt or jealous and feel less important. I would not want to expose them to this either. Good for you for standing up for how you feel. Let her know and she can either do what is right or suffer the consequences.

Answer 3

Good for you! You stick to your guns! OMG! I'm SO PROUD OF YOU for standing up for your children! What hurts one will hurt the other and will hurt the whole family.  What your MIL is planning to do will cause irreparable harm to YOUR family unit.  

Of course, you can't force your MIL to do anything. But you can be darn sure she doesn't have access to, or at least has only limited and monitored access to your children. She may not behave differently toward your child now...but if she's talking this way when she just found out you're pregnant, you can bet she'll behave differently when your new one arrives.  

And when your husband stands by you, be sure to let him know how proud YOU are of him for being a MAN, and your husband & your children's dad FIRST.  For putting the family you're making together first. (I'd kick his @$$ to the curb if mine didn't stand by me, too...BTW)

I lived this with my adopted mom, who's biological grandchildren were treated very differently from mine. (She also treated me as "less than" my brother & sister growing up.) It's very painful as a parent to see the realization dawn in your children's eyes as they watch their cousins being treated better than they are by their grandparents.  

My a.mom went so far as to tell me not to bring my son to a family reunion. I told her that if she doesn't consider my children a part of the family, she won't have the privilege of calling me "daughter"!  She has been out of our lives since then (more than 10 years).

PS We may not be able to change the way we "feel", but we certainly have control over how we behave!  I made conscience decision that I will never show favoritism of one child over another.  Better...I will find something special in each one...

Good luck, my friend.  And congrats on the newest additions!

Answer 4

I would just flat out tell her that any time she ignors or badly treats your son you will not allow any contact with your children.

I am a grandmother of 5 children. One of them is my daughters step child - I treat each the same. To do otherwise is not fair to the kids. I refuse to be one of those grandma's who are mean like that. And hate it when I see it.

Answer 5

I went through this same stuff growing up being adopted and it will have a huge impact on your sons life if this continues.

You are doing the right thing by setting a boundary with your mother.

If she can not accept your adopted son as apart of your and your husband then she can not accept the unborn child either.

You are so right about this girl!   YOU stand up to your mom and fight!

I did the same thing with my son, as my mother was rejecting my son because he was diagnosed with ADHD....

She was showing favoritism to my daughter and mistreating my son...   It has taken a lot of fights, but I will not allow such treatment for my children.

My moms has come along ways in 12 years now and has learned to accept them equally, or at least hides it very well.

I think setting serious boundaries and not allowing them such privileges as having a relationship with the children will open her eyes!

it did my mom.

PS  if your husband talks to her seriously too and stands his ground it will have an impact as well.

best of luck , I will be praying for you!

Answer 6

Draw your line in the sand and defend it to the death.  

What is your husband's stance?  How does he feel about the two children?  Is he in line with you or his mom or somewhere in between?  He will eventually have to choose sides.

Answer 7

I would let her know ( or atleast your husbad so he can tell her, and you dont start world war 3) that the two babies will be treated equally OR she will not see either one.

Answer 8

I know exactly what you are talking about- I am adopted and my husband's family always used to tell me because I am adopted, I don't understand what the love of a family is.  And when my husband and I adopted our first of two children- my wonderful mother in law said- "I don't know why you would do that, you never know where the birth mom came from"-  SORRY ABOUT READING THIS if you are birth mom- I am still angry over this, and it was over 19 years ago.  That poor adopted son of yours- I pray when he gets old enough to understand that your mom in law changes her tune- because I call tell you the way my inlaws treated our son has made our son have trust issues.   She must learn to accept your first son as well as the baby who is on its way- or I would think very long and hard about letting her associate with either. Believe you me, I am not one of my mother in laws greatest supporters either.It seems like you hubby is supporting you, that is awesome, mine does too. Hang in there and congrats on both of your children.

Answer 9

I feel sorry for the adopted kids who get treated differently. I was one of those kids, being told I wasn't a member of the family. That hurt.

However, as an adult I embrace the truth. No matter how difficult to accept. And the truth is if you adopt you will be raising someone else's child. The truth is your MIL will NOT be the child's grand-mother. DNA doesn't lie.

Is this child a true orphan? Is there any possible way the child can be returned to his rightful family?

Answer 10

This behavior is complete unacceptable and very sad.  I think your husband needs to have a serious talk with his mother, in the end you cant change her. However as you said if her behavior continues that she is favoring one grandchild over the other, inform her that she will not be allowed around either child.

You all can move away if you must. It looks like your children may not have any grandmother if your mom is the same way. Well rest assured there are plenty of senior citizens who would be more then happy to be a surrogate grandma or grandpa to your children.  

Thats  the spirit protect both your children.

Answer 11

Well, if you already went through this scenario once with your mother, and you're no great fan of your mother-in-laws, you probably saw this one coming.  Could it be that your secret wish is to get more distance between you and your husbands mom?  I've seen families that diss kids when the grandchild is of mixed ethnic or racial background--even when family blood is also running in their veins.  Not pleasant.  Sometimes the best thing IS to put a little distance in the relationship--kids deserve to be brought up in a loving environment.  Good luck on your red tape.

Answer 12

I feel when you adopt a child that child is now your child, and all children should be loved the same so I would let everyone know that is your child blood or not and if they don't think so they can not be in your life or your children lives its a great thing to take a child into your life to love, we have enough love in our hearts to give love to everyone the same god bless you. and tell your husband to take care of his mother he is the man.

Answer 13

ahh the joys of family. my grandmother hated me. from the day i was even mentioned. she told my parents "if you adopt  that b*****d child i will have nothing to do with it"

she meant it too. she was civil when others were around, but if we were out of ear shot of everyone she had her peace with me. she treated my mom like c**p too, because she was unable to carry full term. ( she had several miscarriages and one premie that didnt make it )

she was awful to me my whole life. when she died i had no remorse or tears for her. inside i was dancing with joy. call me a horrible person, but i never had a chance to be anything in her world, she wouldnt let me.

i am so sorry for what she is doing. i dont have an ounce of advice for you. i do offer support and the best of luck. i hope she comes around, but if she doesnt, i hope you are able to make the kids understand that is not the way you treat people.

if there was one thing that old bat taught me though, it was to be tough. i had to be to be exposed to her, being adopted was her favorite stab at me, i grew to realize it was my saving grace. i did not share a gene pool with such a horrid person. thank god for small favors

Answer 14

That is just disgusting, God help you in dealing with  HER!

Answer 15

Wow, think how traumatic it will be for your first child to grow up being treated like that. I would address the situation now before it gets out of control. I'm sure your husband will see how detrimental this kind of treatment is for your son.

Answer 16

As an adopted son I have went through this with other family members. It is wrong and must not be tolerated. I hope your husband is on your side with this because if he is not then you Battle is up hill. She does not understand being adopted and does not know where you are coming from and may never understand. You remember this is your family and you make all feel the same.

Answer 17

I think that you should stand up for wat you think because it can hurt a child emotionally wen bein treated diffrently by an adult.. So if she won't except your don well then she better not EXpect to be in either of your childrens life and if your husband doesnt agree im sorry mommy cuz your husband should bak you up no matter wat he should care more about your feelings and be there for you then his mother he married You not her..Also tho the person above who said DNA doesnt lie of course it doesnt but it doesnt giv you the right to go and treat someone diffrently its not the childs fault his Bio parents abandoned him and why would she return the child wat kind of person would adopt a child and then throw them out into the world wat do you want the child to grow up and kno the he was thrown out to feel rejected .. people...

Answer 18

I would ignore her right back!  If you can't accept all of my children you don't get to see any of us!  I would stand my ground and hold strong! Your husband should be on your side with this.  Good Luck.  I feel a war coming on.

Answer 19

Stick with your stance, don't budge an inch.  That kind of situation can damage a child's emotional health.

Answer 20

What an awful situation and my heart goes out to you!  We were very fortunate to have the support of all of our extended family when we adopted, with one or two exceptions.  But they came around after the children arrived.  

You and your husband need to be on the same page here and present a united front to his mother.  And getting husbands to stand up to their mothers can be difficult!  But I would agree with your decision to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your in-laws, that if she is not able to spread her love equally between ALL of your children, she does not need to have a relationship with ANY of them.  It's a hard stance to take, which is why you need the complete support of your husband.  Otherwise, you can be made out to be the bad guy.

But allowing your mother in law to get away with only being a grandma to your birth children is wrong and undoubtedly it will affect your first son.  

Maybe consider enlisting the help of a family counselor?

Good luck!

Answer 21

It is so hard for me to understand how insensitive and ignorant some people can be. I just do not get it. You really need to discuss this with your husband and have him discuss it with you MIL. If she buys presents just for the bchild, send them back! I am sorry you are being put in this position. It is just so unkind. She is definitely missing a sensitivity chip!

Answer 22

s***w it. she doesn't need to be involved in your life, anyway. why does anything she says matter? I grew up without grandparents and I'm fine.

Answer 23

I think your on the right track, if she can't treat them equally she doesn't get to see either.  Kids can pick up on that stuff at an early age.  Unfortunately, even if she agrees to it it's likely she will still treat them differently.  Good luck, I feel for you.

Answer 24

yeah i agree.......... s***w it. i never had good grandparents either, and i'm just fine! they're a hassel anyways im sure, just geting u stuff you dont want and smelling funny........ if the kids cant be treated equally (my sister and i had that problem) then its not worth it. no amount of talking ever changed my grandparents, and for a while it was really hurtfull, but now i dont care! dont put ur kids through that c**p, if the grandma isnt fair, and the husband doesnt agree with then  you they ought to both go. if that happens, then clearly, they dont love u as much as u thought they did! good luck!

Answer 25

I think I would do basically what you would do. If she can't treat the kids equally then she shouldn't be around them. It would really hurt your adopted son to be around that, and could make your other child feel guilty, etc. Its just not healthy for them.

However, you shouldn't do anything like try to keep your husband away from his mom. If he wants to go over and see her I think you should not argue with that, just keep her away from the kids until she can act right. Its not good to try to make your husband choose between you and his mother. I know you didn't say you were going to but just thought I'd mention it- don't mean to offend you or anything:)

You only just now found out you are pregnant, so give her some time to get over her stupidity- don't cut her out of your kids lives permanently at this point. But if she does treat them differently then stop letting her see them till she can treat them the same.

Answer 26

your mother in law has lack of love. anyone that has a heart wont treat a human like this. tell her what if your biological child would be changed by mistake in the hospital after it is born? then your mother in law would believe that it is your blood, but its actually from another mother. things like this happens. people are too obsessed with their blood. I dont care if my kids wont be my blood, I'll even get fixed. adopted children are still children and they need love just like anyone else. the only difference is who creates a child and who raises a child. I doubt if she will change, people like this stay the same. I hope your husband will support you and be with you. mother in law would need professional counselling, except if she keeps resisting in her mind, then nothing will help. but if things wont get better, then you know what to do.

Answer 27

Lay down the law now! Call her and tell her either you treat my two childern equaly or you can have anything to do with either of them! Period  End of question End of story!

They are both her grandkids!

Answer 28

OMG, it sounds like my life...  a little bit, see my Dad's mother thought I was not his biologically and treated me differently then my sister and brother all teh way up untils he died.  As it turns out- after a DNA test, I am biologically his but she's gone now, anyways.  

(On a side note, my Dad IS adopted.  And doesn't want to share his bio info with me so I don't know my bio grandmother on his side.  Bummer)

Anyway, my Mom went to battle for me and put her foot down behind the scenes (I learned this later).  I definitely felt the difference between a loving grandmother (my; Mom's side) and her.

Please take a stand now.  Your children will notice.

Answer 29

Stay on your position. You are a great mother. Your mother in law is just stupid.

Answer 30

If it was me- I would tell her she is not to get the new baby a darn thing unless she wants to be part of my sons life too.

Edit- as I re-read that I'm confused. You said your son is not being treated differently? Before that you siad she said the baby is her FIRST grandchild and she wouldn't want a tattoo of your son and everything.. That sounds like being treated differently to me..

Answer 31

You don't need advice. It sounds like you're going to handle it just right.  What a great mom you are - don't let anyone hurt your children. Emotional damage caused in that way can stick with your kids for life.