Mothers guilt?

Question

My son is 18 months old, my best friend Danielle looks after her neice Belle who is just 4 weeks older than Zane. Belle is such a good talker she has over 30 words she can use where as my son doesnt say one word not even mumma (I am not worried because he folllows instructions very well and can point at objects when I say their name). TO get to the point Danielle is always telling me how Belle and her do all these fun things like finger painting and they go to Luna Park and do all these fun things! I dont do any of these things with Zane and I feel so horrible I tirhnk it is my fault he doesnt talk but talk to him as much as I can. I can do finger apinting with him because we dont have any doors on our laundry and I wouldnt want the pain to get all over the carpet. I am married and am always to busy folding washing and doing house chors to take him to fun parks and things like that. WHat do you think I should do I feel sooo bad for my baby, really guilty and mad at myself

Answer 1

i wouldn't feel bad. boys develop a little slower than girls to begin with. why dont you go with your friend and her neice for a big day out or something and forget about doing the chores for one day or stay up late one night and do it all then and find a way to catch up on sleep if you can. whats more important..........chores or a day out of fun? i usually do a choice on going out for the day with the kids or do housework etc. in the  end, it all depends on what they are up to. if they want to go to bed, i do chores, but if they look like they could do with a day out, i take them out and catch up on chores later or get my husband to pitch in and help with them

Answer 2

You have had some excellent responses.

My son is three and he started saying small words about six months ago (yes we were worried) now he speaks full sentences and we can't shut him up.  Your son will talk when he want to and boys do generally take long to say those first few words then girl - but they catch up!

I did spend time 'playing cards with him' which were pieces of cardboard which we drew pictures of dogs and cats are cars on  and played with saying out the names.

When it comes to spending time with your son I know how much there is to do - and as everyone said it's important to spend time with your son.  Although I agree that the chores can be done later if you leave it - it will pile up and you might find yourself in a mess!

I had the same issues when my boy was around the same age.

I set a routine which included Mummy cleaning time where my boy knows that he either plays quietly by himself while I clean - or he helps me (he loves vacuuming while I am folding clothes etc.) and also Mummy and him time - 1 hour a day (he won't care if it was at Disneyland or in our backyard because he is just happy to spend time with me) and also family time - no TV time with Me and my hubby and him.  The times were at the same time every day and he got used to it very quickly and now knows what time it is.

You sound like a great Mum and all Mums have doubts - but as long as he is loved and happy then you are doing your job just fine.

Answer 3

Seems that boys tend to learn to talk slower than girls. But doing things together...you have to make time for that. Just do it. Set aside 20 minutes a day to do a creative, fun project together. Its worth the effort...memories are what is important here. For painting, layout newspaper on the kitchen floor and your supplies and go at it. Or go outside and do it. Same with coloring with crayons or markers. Also sidewalk chalk is fun too. I'm a single working mother and on the 2 days we have together, I make sure we do some sort of project together. I stop the millions of chores I have to do and do a project with my child. I also set aside some time to read a book and discuss pictures. Between loads of laundry...their attention span doesn't last longer than that anyway. Just prioritize. Though its important to me to get everything done in two days before we return to work...its not as important as spending quality time with my child. So long as I can get the basics done, and spend some time with my babe, then its a good weekend. I also hang our artworks on the doors and every morning when she wakes up she likes to look at them and we run through each picture...she points and I tell her what it is. Tree, truck, flower, house, heart...because I always color on the same page as her, you can somewhat tell what these things are...lol.

And "Guilt" comes with being a good parent. No matter what you do for your children, you will always wish you could do more or better.

Answer 4

relax a bit about the chores.  You'll wish you spent more time with hime now when he's all grown up.  Start making memories x

Answer 5

No I don't think you should feel guilty at all. But if you would like to do some of those fun things then maybe you all could do them together.  You do have time -- you just ignor the laundry until later on.

Also - our girls talked a storm at 2 - complete sentences the whole thing, Our boy didnt say anything until he was 2 and he was three before we got sentences. So don't worry your little guy will get there!!

Answer 6

I decided not long ago to stop using the phrase Mothers guilt as it so negative and just gives you a reason to make you feel bad. Feeling bad does nothing for your son!

So instead of wasting energy feeling guilty, feel proud. Write a list of all the good things you have done or do for him. (Even if they are small.) Think of yourself as a good Mother and when you do something good, feel proud of it.

Remember that you are the only person who can change this attitude in yourself.

It will only make you feel better, and be a better Mum.

So really we all owe it to ourselves AND TO OUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN to stop this stupid Mothers Guilt attitude.

good luck and be happy.

Answer 7

The best thing to remember is that every child is different. Espcially boys and girls, boys tend not to talk as much as girls do. Girls honestly do mature faster. As for not playing with him enough...if you dont remind yourself that you are much more than just a mother you will always feel guilty. Children need time to themselves too and you dont have to always "go somewhere and do something" to be a good and dependable mom. You will be able to look back and say "I was there for my son" wether it was at the park or little moments in your living room! Lots of moms feel this!! Dont feel guilty..and if you feel like you are spending too much time doing chores, just remember housework NEVER ends! So take 5 mintues to sing a song or read him a book. It goes a long way!

Answer 8

First thing that you should do is talk to his Dr. He should have at least 10 words that he uses.  My son was a late talker, and here in Nys we have a program called early intervention where someone from the county comes and evaluates their speech, social, and motor skills.  My son qualified for a speech pathologist, and a special ed teacher.  And just so you know, not taking your son to the park or finger painting with him will not delay his speech, it is probably a processing delay because he knows the words and can point to the objects but he can't process them and say them.  Also there is lots of fun things that you and him can do while you clean the house be inventive make a game out of it, but also know that a clean house isn't everything.  Good luck, I'm sure you will be fine a little Zane will be talking in no time!

Answer 9

Well I think that guilt just comes with being a mother LOL.  I think every mothers feels some guilt about what she feels she is or isn't doing!

Is your son happy, healthy (apart from the normal stuff little kids get), growing well, sleeping OK most of the time?  Do you have plenty of cuddles and some special time, say at bed time when you read him a story or sing him a song?  Does he enjoy interacting with you and your husband, and anyone else special in his life (even if he doesn't talk yet)?

I'll bet he does all of those things, and I'll bet he's fine!!  He's only 18 months, and honestly doesn't need a huge amount of excitement to be happy.  Could you try going for a walk every day, even for just half an hour?  Is there somewhere nearby where you can go and feed some ducks?  Are there any playgroups around your area?  These are a great place to meet other mothers and for your child to play with some different toys and interact with other kids.

It's SO easy to be hard on yourself as a mum!!  We rarely get any feedback about what sort of job we're doing, unless it's a disapproving nana at the supermarket when your child throws a tantrum, or your husband if he comes home to a messy house or runs out of clean socks.  So remind yourself every day about what an awesome job you're doing, and look at small ways you can do more with your son.

As for the talking, I wouldn't worry, because there is such a wide range of what's "normal".  Maybe see your doctor or your early childhood nurse for some reassurance about this if you're worried.

Hang in there OK xx

Answer 10

As long as you play with him and have regular interaction with him he is fine.

Bonding with him helps him learn and feel loved. Thats all he needs.

Some kids talk later then others. He just learns different.

I do think you could use the excuse of house work a little less and try to do a little something once a month. I am a mother of 4 little ones. We manage to get stuff done and get out. So what if there are a couple dishes in the sink or one load of laundry left. Kids are more important.

Try and see what is fun, close and free for you and him to do. Look at the library and other places you got around you.

Good luck

Answer 11

Hmm... maybe the guilt is coming from you thinking that your friend is a better mother than you.  It doesn't make you a bad mom, but when someone is so involved with their child, it's easy to feel inferior.  My mom does it to me with my daughter.  My girl is 8 months old, and is perfectly happy playing with toys in the living room.  But my mom needs to step in and say, "When you were her age, I had you at the park!"

As far as not talking, maybe you're not encouraging him to talk.  That is a problem with my nephew.  He can talk, but no one makes him, because they understand his gestures.  From now on, try making him verbalize what he wants.  If he points to a cup, make him say cup before you give it to him.  Not trying to sound cruel, but it may motivate his vocabulary a little.

Answer 12

housework can wait when it comes to the kids

make sure you set aside some time everyday to do things with him

when i get paints and messy stuff out for my daughter i put it all on a big sheet so i doesnt matter if it gets everywhere and if you use poster paint then it just washes off the walls

kids arent kids if they are not getting stuck into mess and grime my daughter turns the bath water red by the time i have finished cleanin her up

you will regret it in the end when he has gone off to school and is not home all day

Answer 13

its not you fault, kids just talk at different times thats all... danielle needs to get over herself and you need to realise that you don't need to take your kid to luna park, he isn't even 2 yet for crying out loud!!! why can't your husband do some stuff with him? if you spend as much time with him as you can without cutting into all the other stuff you need to do, then you're not being a bad mother. and the fact that you're feeling guilty makes you a great mother, in my opinion.

Answer 14

There is one very important thing you have not mentioned that you do with your baby.  Read to him!  Go to the library and check them out if you can't afford to buy any. The public library usually has story telling at certain times too!  The most important tool for a child's vocabulary is reading.  Check out picture books and you point and read it to him.  You say he follows instructions well, then you point and ask him to say the words. (But you read & point first.) Many children love for you to read the same book over and over to them.  I can't stress enough that he needs to be read to daily, no matter how busy you are!

Now, don't feel guilty because you can't do finger painting, draw and use crayons.  This is not messy!  Also have you ever considered letting him finger paint when he is in his high chair?  

Children develop at different stages, and boys can be boys, so Belle is older and can do more things.  Don't worry about it, your son will get there!  But research says the reading is the best thing you can do for him.   Read to him before he goes to bed each night. This is a great way for him to relax before bedtime and established a great routine.

It's OK mom, he will be fine!

Answer 15

The speech is nothing to worry about. My son didn't start talking until over 2. As for everything else, I feel you are putting your needs before your babies.

yes housekeeping needs to be done, but for crying out loud, you son is not going to stay a baby forever. Housecleaning can wait until hes in bed. Get him out and enjoy spending time with him. You will regret it if you dont!

Who cares if your house is a little messy. Spending time with your son should be no 1!!

Answer 16

Firstly, remember that Danielle is AUNTY Danielle, and people who aren't mummy (like aunts & grandmas) always get to do more fun things, because they don't have the day-to-day stuff on top of that! For them, the fun stuff is ALL there is. I really think 18 mths is a bit young for Luna Park lol, so I wouldn't worry about that. When the weather warms up, take Zane outside to paint :) It is harder to entertain kids when it's cold out. Try the yellow pages & see if there is an indoor play place nearby. I take my 9 mth old to story time @ the library each week, perhaps there is something similar near you. If you feel bad that you don't do enough 'fun' things with him, make the time to do some :) The washing & cleaning will always be there, but your son will only be little for such a short time. Sometimes you have to let the less important things slide. Think about it - even if you fold the washing, it's only going to get worn & dirty again anyway lol!