Mothers that put their child up for adoption?

Question

My son was adopted. He turned 13 today. Will this void ever be filled? Or will I feel this emptyness/saddness forever?

Answer 1

I personally have never giving up a child for adoption, but I'm sure that if I did I would be feeling the emptyness also.  It would because I know that I am missing what my son/daughter has done in their lives.  I hope that the emptyness/saddness will go away or dull for you.

Answer 2

My daugther just turned 5, so I'm behind you by a few years.

I still hurt, I still cry, I still feel empty.  BUT I've learned to see things from the brighter side.  My daughter has a great life, and a great family.  And one day I will have a family of my own...when the time is right.

Hang in there, you are an amazing person for making the choice you did.

Answer 3

according to my wife,it never goes away,but she's still waiting...born a Devon on5/2/91 now called George

Answer 4

In life, sometimes we make mistakes. But then we also try to set things right so that no further damage is done. Yours is one such mistake but which you sorted out by giving your son a better life - a family and a name.

Your loss and the void will be there but then we go through such pains in different relationships of our life too I suppose.

You must feel assured that you did the right thing for him and come to terms.. When and if you feel strong enough, adopt a child yourself or be involved in some activity which could reduce your pain like working with children in different fields..

Answer 5

You are still a mother and the void means that you loved him enough to give him a life that you could not. You also gave someone else a chance at being a mother.You did a beautiful thing and sometimes doing the right thing hurts. That doesn't make it any less right.

Thanks for giving the gift of life and motherhood.

Answer 6

No, your son was a part of you and regardless of circumstances you gave him away. You gave a piece of yourself away. Chop ur legs off, Your brain remembers them and thinks it can feel them but you'll never walk again... unless you get them prosthetic limb things and learn to walk again. But you'll never get ur legs back. Same with ur boy,, if he decides to come look for you, and wants to build a relationship with you, the emptyness might go, but you'll never have those memories of his childhood. You might be lucky and be a mother to him in adulthood, but you'll never be his mommy. It sound harsh, but its true. U made a big mistake and now you regret it. But its a mistake that you'll never be able to fix. I hope one day you see your boy again and have a really good relationship with him. I dont wish that kind of pain on anybody. Good Luck honey xxxx

Answer 7

My mother left when i was 10 and i was adopted  at the age of 13 , as soon as i could i found my mother shortly after i turned 17. (Real grandfather helped me locate her)  My mother has told me that it was hard for her and at times she felt a mixture of guilt, emptyness and sadness.  I think what did help her was knowing that putting me up for adoption was the best thing for me at the time.  Its been 10 yrs since we reunited and we have become close, i think the recent birth of my daughter has helped with that.   I hope in time that the feelings that you are experiencing will become less intense and that when he is of age he will come find you.

Answer 8

You only need to remind yourself that what you did for your son, giving him up the way you did, was the greatest love possible.  So wash away the sadness and pain and remember how brave you were 13 years ago.  Some of us took an easier way out and live with a deeper shame, emptiness and regret.  You did the right thing.  God bless you.

Answer 9

to me, it's the same thing.  i never stopped missing or needing my mother.  it sucked.

Answer 10

You may always feel an emptiness because it was a loss for you. Always remember though, that you did what was best for your son. You were completely unselfish. You did nothing wrong.

Answer 11

I don't think even if someone puts their child up willingly and not coerced, that it will stop the grief that comes with the pain of separation of Mother and Child.

My mother was not coerced, she abandoned me, but she never went on to marry, she never went on to have a relationship, and she never had more children

She has a very lonely and sad life

(((hugs)))

Answer 12

Just be happy that you gave him a chance to live. Some women dont even consider adoption and just get abortions. Im sure you will always feel like something is missing, but you did the right thing.

Answer 13

I am so sorry for you.  I understand your emptiness.  My son is approaching his first birthday.  Just remember, it isn't necessarily sad.  You did a very selfless thing.  You gave the most precious gift anyone could ever receive.  You could try to fill some of that void with this knowledge.   I'm sure the adoptive parents love you for that. Plus, you will always have a connection to him like nobody else.  If he doesn't know that now, he will someday.  I hope you feel better.

Answer 14

Are you sure there is a void or is it just because you have not moved on?  Someone comes into your life no matter how brief and it can leave an impression. You miss them and long to be with them. I don't know your reasons for giving him up but if they were because you felt it was right thing to do, then hold fast to that. Otherwise, maybe consider counseling

Answer 15

Happy Birthday to your son!

Losing a child to adoption is the same as losing a child.  You need to allow yourself to grieve and to understand your loss.  This should help but as to whether it will fill the void, I don't imagine that anything will completely.  Having said that, by allowing yourself to feel the loss and appreciating that it is normal and allowed, and by focussing on the good in what you have done ( I am presuming this was done for good reasons) hopefully the emptiness will not seem so bad.  

Birthdays are hard, for the natural mother as well as the adoptee.  Remember also that with each year that passes your son gets closer to 18 when hopefully he will come find you!

All the best.

Answer 16

well this is hard stuff, but why was he adopted and does he knows that you are his mom. but there is going to be some kind of emptiness in you all the time but don't give up try to talk to him good luck

Answer 17

Happy birthday to your boy!

As a birth mom, I feel your pain.  My baby girl will be 14 on Mother's Day this year.  Talk about pain, right?

I struggled with emptiness, too, for along time, but what helps me tremendously is the fact that she lives a life that I could not have provided.  I'm grateful for our open adoption, I get to hear about her from time to time.  She actually just found me on myspace!  (Kids today)

It takes time, no doubt about it.  And it's your time, handle it however you like.

Answer 18

Your pain will never be gone until you can reunite, only then will you have peace. The pain will lessen in the years to come, but never go away, you might even find a time in your life where you question whether you actually had a child and did you really give him up, I know that sounds crazy, but it happened to me. I finally had counseling and that helped and then I found my daughter when she was 30, she forgave me and then I could start to forgive myself and go forward with my life.

Answer 19

As an adopted person with a very close relationship with my first father, I can tell you that he said he always felt it until we reunited.  He, of course, was still able to function throughout life, but what he called the "hole in his heart" was there.  

One thing I would suggest is finding a group of other first parents, such as Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) at http://www.cubirthparents.org and Origins USA at http://www.origins-usa.org .  You can join and communicate with others who understand in these groups.

I'm sorry that you are separated from your child.  Your grief is normal, so don't let anyone tell you it's not, or that you "shouldn't" feel it.  Hopefully, you can reunite one day.

Answer 20

My son turned 13 in November, marking 10 years since he was adopted. Thirteen was a very hard b-day for me, 13 was an amazing year in my own life and it was very painful to look back and think of all I have missed, am missing and will miss. I'm not sure when or if the pain will go away but I like to think that someday it will be duller.

Hang in there! B-days suck, I know.