Mothers with teeneage girls, I need help fast!!?

Question

ok so i have a 12 yr old stepdaughter that is spending the summer with us, they just recently moved to colorado springs. she also has a cell phone given to her by her mother and stepfather. (i don't agree with it) anyway she is on it 24/7 and i asked her who she texts all day and she is talking to a 16 yr old boy that she used to live by when they lived out there 5 yrs ago. so anyway i was going to clean her room and found a notepad and looked in it and it had all these texts written in there from him to her about kissing and laying on top of each other and that he wants to kiss her and they would take their clothes off and he would rub her shoulders and then move his hands to her hips, anyway thats the jist of it and everywhere it says that she loves him and whatever. so i asked her if her mother new she talked to him and she said yes, but i don't think she knows how much. and also her mother is someone who will give her kids whatever they want so they don't bug her, so i don't ....

Answer 1

Tell your husband ASAP and let him take over for the most part and you can offer kind guidance along with him.

She is 'yours' for the summer and needs to abide by your rules in your home.

The cell phone needs to be gone and I agree with you, a 12 year old doesn't need a cell phone for unlimited use. My daughter got a 'pay as you go' phone when she was 14. We only added small increments of minutes so she could get a hold of us if she needed to but couldn't blab or text endlessly to her friends.

A 12 year old doesn't need to be exposed to the horny - and illegal - desires of a 16 year old boy. Maybe the police in his hometown need to pay him and his parents a visit arranged by your husband and you.

The bottom line is that she is bored, lonely and probably doesn't have enough to do if she is on that stupid phone 24/7. Have you guys arranged any 'fun' stuff? Maybe take her shopping or to local activities like fairs, museums etc?

BTW - my daughter is 22 now and doesn't know that I monitored her 'communication' as much as I did. I had software on our PC that keep track of EVERYTHING and it ran in the background. Most things I found out were pretty typical for her age and nothing very shocking.

Good luck!

Answer 2

You can't put the Genie back into the bottle.  You are not going to be able to make her stop.  She has discovered sexuality, and science says that infatuation is actually a chemical event in the brain, and it is overwhelming.  You cannot fight that.  

However, you can and should set some rules about when texting is appropriate in your house.    Never at meals, and there should be a few hours during the day when she visits with your family without the phone.    You may just have to insist that she surrender the phone at certain times every day, but keep it reasonable.  She's addicted, and will be very uncomfortable without it..

If you want to have a talk with her, then you should just give her the "talk".   Talk to her about the legal consequences for a boy who has s*x with her.  He could go to jail or reform school or be registered as a s*x offender for the rest of his life.   Talk about the consequences of getting pregnant, particularly at her age, when there are serious health risks.  Talk about the emotional pain of abortion and adoption.  It's not an easy fix.  Talk about the discomforts of pregnancy, the stretch marks, the nausea, the isolation from friends at school.    The difficulties in raising a baby, the fact that you must stay home and care for the baby.  You can't be out with your friends.  The unpleasant aspects, spit up and diapers and getting up at night because the baby is crying.   You might want to watch some movies together about teenagers who discover they are pregnant, or movies about people who are experiencing parenthood for the first time in all its glories.  I hear that Juno was a popular movie, but haven't seen it.    Talk about maintaining friendships and how important it is not to abandon or neglect your friends when you have a boyfriend.   Talk about how important it is to plan for her independence, getting a driver license, getting a job, saving money, because if she's goes off with a boyfriend at an early age, which is where she's headed, she'll need a source of income.  

These are actually several talks.  You can't get it all in at one time.

You might end up pretty close to this girl, when she discovers you are speaking to her frankly on subjects she is curious about.

Answer 3

First, you need to talk to her Dad.  While she may be in need of a mother figure, her father should still be the one taking the lead in this situation.  It is perfectly ok for there to be different rules at your house and at her mother's house.  While you may not be able to stop the texting (especially if Mom pays the  bill) you can certainly limit the amount of time she has on the phone each day and keep the phone in your possession otherwise.  It also seems to be time to talk with her about s*x and personal safety over the net or with texting.   This young man hasn't been in her life for a few years and none of the adults really know him.  The age difference is enough to make most parents nervous..there is a huge difference between what a 16 yr old boy wants and expects from a girl friend than what a 12 yr old girl is ready to do and be.  I would certainly suggest that you be there to talk about those issues, but if she refuses there is little you can do.  Control her access to the phone and email, keep an eye on her contact with this boy and have her father take the lead..that is all you can do.

Answer 4

Well, I'm 13, and have a cell phone, andd talk to guys too. My mom once found like basically the same exact kind oftext messages on my phone. I got my phone taken away for a month, and got grounded for another two weeks. & yeah that basically helped lol. Tell her pops or somethinn. And you are her step mom too so I mean if she's staying with you then she has to listen to your rules. THat's how it is with my step mom & step dad. It's sucks too cause I get grounded from both , I get my cell phone taken away from both, I get my computer / t.v taken away from both, but idk it helps I guess. lol. It sucks big balls but whatevaaaa. I knwo where they hide maa stuff (:

Answer 5

when she's in your house it's your rules. if having a cell phone bothers you because of her being on it all the time, take it away. give it to her when she goes out. just because it was given to her by her mother doesn't mean it should affect your time with her. she's only 12 for petes sake. it's your home with rules. you run it not her

Answer 6

If you do not think her mother will care (though I think you are wrong -- I have a 12 year old daughter who is very precious to me and I try to be involved in her life as much as possible and she will not have a cell phone until the Fall for 7th grade and then mostly to call for rides with after school activities)  then you MUST get your husband -- her father -- involved.

If it was my decision I would take her cell phone away for the summer and if she HAS to have one to call for rides from activities etc. then get her a prepaid one which you will have access to check for texts and called numbers etc. Get her involved in activities that will increase her self-confidence instead of having her hang around the house all summer with nothing to do but text older boys.  

I do not think you have to punish her for having the thoughts she has about this boy and obviously the boy is trying to take advantage of her by making s*x seem appealing so that when and if they do get together it will be that much easier for him to get somewhere with her.

I think her father has a very important role to play here in taking the cell phone away for her protection and saying that boys wanting to do that with her is a sign of something very inappropriate -- that at 12 a boy should maybe want to hold hands at the movie or slow dance with her-- that 12 year olds might have thoughts beyond that but should not be translating those thoughts to actions -- that s*x is something for responsible adults and not for young girls.  I do not care if he feels awkward about it. This is IMPORTANT. This may save his daughter`s life.

At 12 she has seen all the media hype about sexual relationships but she has no frame of reference to know the consequences of it.

And I think you should send the texts to her mother -- but find out what your husband`s opinion is first.

How to make sure she does not get hurt feelings about it or think you were snooping maliciously?  I am not sure. I guess try to explain that you and her father are being protective because she is precious to you and you cannot in good conscience let her do whatever she wants because she is not an adult and does not have the life experience to know what the consequences are of contemplating a sexual relationship.

Who knows -- it could open up a conversation about how s*x and love are not the same thing.

She could be in a snit for the rest of the summer visitation unfortunately. But you will have given her something  of more long term value.

Answer 7

erm im not a mother but its sorry to hear that her mother wont care much. wow there is no reward for doing good things these days. well it depends how much you dont agree with it. talk to the mother and father together and tell them how much you dont agree with what she is doing all day

Answer 8

While you can't control what your stepdaughter does at her mother's home; this is your house.  It sounds like you and your husband need to make a united front and try to explain to her why you are bothered by this and then lay down some rules.  If your 5 year old looks up to her, then her doing these things in front of him/her is not a good example.  Will she be mad at you?  You bet!  Will she thank you for it one day?  Perhaps.  From what you said, it sounds like her mother is ignoring her.  If your household is stable, she will come around more and more as she gets older.  Discipline is never easy (especially when you love someone) but it is necessary.

Answer 9

...okay i would try to talk to her and say that this is wrong...but you can't really say no either since they haven't had s*x..as far as you know that is..just be reasonable with her and say that as long as she doesn't have s*x its okay..but if you find that out in some way you will need ti contact the police..

Answer 10

Since you are her step-mother, I would tell her dad what you saw, then have him contact her mother.  You are right to worry and be concerned for her but I think it's best handled by dad getting into contact with mom and figuring out what to do.  You can make suggestions to them but I wouldn't get into it any further.  Good luck!

Edit: If her mother doesn't care like you say, then I think it's ok if you step in a bit more.  Hopefully if they don't have contact the whole summer she is with you then your step daughter will forget and move on.  If not, you guys may need to help her mother understand how illegal this situation is and that her daughter is in danger.