Motivating a 12 Year Old to Do Well in School?

Question

My stepson is 12 and in 6th grade. He lived with his biological mom until he was nearly 9. She did not stress to him the importance of doing well in school, studying or doing homework - - basically school was free daycare to her. She was and is also a terrible liar. As a result, we have struggled continuously with him regarding his homework, studying for tests, etc. Since he is now in middle school, teachers don't check his agenda and hand hold as they did in elementary school. He lies to us about his assignments, tests, etc. We have tried every kind of action and punishment (talking to him, asking him how we can help, taking away computer privileges, grounding him, even spanking him) and nothing seems to work. Additionally, he has ADHD.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I know it's hard to change behavior that's more than just a bad habit, but it's been more than 3 years of constant struggle and I'm at wit's end as to what steps to take.

Thank you in advance!

Answer 1

I'm glad you posted this. I was just sitting here trying to word a similar post.  Except for the "stepson" and biological mother, we are in the same boat. I just can't get my son motivated to do his assignments. He doesn't lie, but he "forgets" he has assignments. (Yes I do believe him, it's a long story).

My son is 14, 8th grade, made the A/B honor roll last grading period, but not without a struggle and constant watching by me. I'm divorced from his dad, and his stepmom doesn't think it's a big deal for him to be getting C's and D's. (Thankfully, his father knows our son is much smarter than that). I looked at his midterm progress report last night ,,,, B, B+, C, D+, F, and F. The D+ is in algebra, and my son is a genius in math.

I've been in contact with my son's teachers throughout the year. Even his teachers have noticed a huge change since the beginning of the year. They've said the same thing I've said - he just won't try. So while I can't give you an answer, I can commiserate with you and HOPE that someone else has an answer to help us both.

edit:

My son also has ADHD. He was on meds from age 5 to age 9, and most of his problems vanished. But it also caused him to lose his appetite (and weight). He didn't have the weight to lose, he was already the smallest kid in his class. His doc told us he might outgrow the need for the meds, and for the most part, he has. This particular situation doesn't mimic how things were before he was on his meds. It's a TOTALLY different situation.

Answer 2

I can relate to this. But when I read ADHD, it kind of stopped me in my tracks. He probably needs medication in order to be able to concentrate. My youngest brother is now able to concentrate at much longer intervals now that he is on medication. My parents were dead set against medication back when he was in school. They didn't understand.

If he really has ADHD then the only thing that will help him greatly is medication.

Can you bring him to a specialist for testing? He may need to try different medications to find the right one.

My brother is taking college classes and doing well. He's almost 30. He tried before and always dropped out. He's staying with it. It has to be the medication because that's the only thing different.

edit: My brother did all of what you are saying and more. He drove my parents crazy with his lies and acting up. Now he's much more mature and able to be more responsible. Before the medication, he was on a dangerous path. He got 2 DUIs, for example.

Answer 3

My son was/is the same way.  These are things we did:

1. Get him evaluated and on medication if necessary.  Finding the right medication was half the battle.

2.  Have a routine where you check his planner, backpack, etc. right after school and make sure everything is in for the morning.  He can't do it himself if he has severe ADHD.  Pick him up from school if you can for a while so he can go back in for the things he will inevitably forget.  Ask him if he has homework for each class.  "Do you have science homework? How about social studies?" not "Do you have homework?"

3.  Contact the school and set up a monitoring plan (informal, with his counselor) or formal (IEP-must have diagnosis for this).  My son's plan is that he has to have everything in his planner signed by each teacher so that he and the teachers are on the same page, then his counselor signs it at the end of the day, then we sign it at night.  Then we all know what is going on.

4. Make him do assignments and turn them in even if he gets no credit for them.  That is a lesson in responsibility.

5. Keep in constant contact with his teachers.  Most are willing to do this by phone or email.

If he has ADHD, you have to accept his limitations.  Kids like that are a couple years behind in their development, but can make great strides with assistance.  You will be able to back off a little when he regains his confidence (which he is lacking because everyone, including himself, is frustrated by him), gets into a routine, and grows up a little.

Good luck!

Answer 4

As the bad behaviour is already the default, try rewarding the good.

When he is honest about what he has to do, then he gets a small reward.

When he does his homework, he gets a large reward.

He's obviously used to the bad things and sees no reason to comply. Give him one.

Good luck.... Bet it's not easy any way.

Answer 5

Wow! I really feel for this kid. Sounds like he didn't get a fair shot. On one hand poor role modeling and a selfish mother, on the other punishments for not being able to conform or perform. My advice would be to re-connect with him. Focus on his strong points, and congratulate him on the good things he does or any improvements - even if they aren't what you expect them to be. I would quit the physical violence and being so punitive as you also need to get better tools to accomodate his ADHD. Learn more about his condition from his counselor, get him a counselor if he doesn't have one. A child diagnosed with ADHD requires a much different work environment that  a child without it. Be realistic. Hold him accountable without be-littling what little confidence he probably has. I'm sure he knows his deficits and exploiting them will only lessen his worth in his mind and yours. Keep it positive and be willing to accept you don't have all the answers, but can try harder to get them and other tools to help you parent.

Answer 6

you can write a note or call your childs teachers and tell them that you want them to check your childs assignment note book, andto  sign so you can make sure your child has all of his assingments written down, when your child brings the assignment notebook home you also need to sign it.