Moving away.... need ideas on how to stay in touch?

Question

Well we got the news this week, Hubby is getting a new job!!!!

In another state :( We'll be about ten hours by car from our current home.

We need some good ideas about how to keep in touch with my son's mom. He's almost ten, but hates to write letters. they're "boring." He currently sees her at lest once a week. That is obviously going to change.

How do i foster this relationship long distance?

Answer 1

Does he like computers?  Maybe he can keep  in touch through the e-mail.  How about taking pictures?  Is he creative?  He could take pictures and make mini scrap books to send her way.

Answer 2

10 hours by car.  What about TRAINS and PLANES?  

How does his mom feel about this 'opportunity'?  

Moving for a ten year old is typically a very big deal, leaving behind friends and familiar activities.  Leaving behind a mother is a lot bigger.  

Fostering a long distance relationship will take a lot of investment.  Since you'll have a greater disposable income I hope you can do it.  As others have said, you can make movies together, provide movie making equipment and training for his mother.  It might become a creative family expression and outlet for all of you.  Be sure they both have cameras on their computers.

Maybe we'll see you all on youtube soon!

Answer 3

get a web cam for your son and his mom

Answer 4

He may want to write letters later (especially if he is now ten hours from her).  But I would also make sure you have a good long-distance plan (or get a cell phone with lots of minutes).  You should also probably look into a computer set up that allows for video/audio chat.  That way they can at least "see" each other.  

But there seems to me to be a bigger issue here.  Your husband applied for a job out of state?  Did you have an agreement with his mom?  That seems to violate at least the spirit of any agreement you might have had to an open adoption.

Edited to Add: You COULDN'T afford not to move?  So you couldn't afford to live where you are?  If that's really true, then it was irresponsible of you to start a family.  I suspect that it would be nice to move, for the money and nicer environs, but I bet you CAN afford not to move.  So the question becomes, SHOULD you move?  Sometimes, being a parent, means giving up things you want for the good of your child.  How does your son feel about this?  How about his mother?  Are both on board?  If so, then their relationship will go along fine.  If not, then it still seems like you're putting your wants ahead of his needs.

Answer 5

It is going to be a HUGE disruption to weekly visits to living 10 hours away.

The best comprimise seems to allow extended visits with his mother. The upside is your cost of living is down and your income is up - spring for plane tickets to keep you son and his family in touch.

Maybe a long weekend together each month or a couple weeks together quarterly.

hopefully you son won't grow to resent you too terribly for this lifestyle choice you made

Answer 6

Kids love tech.  Email or better yet those camera things for emails.  Audio recordings can be sent thru the mail. You can make a daily "diary" of his events (soccer scores, Christmas wishes, crushes on teachers, and so on) to send monthly as well as a couple of his school projects (I bet written essays or art work would be most appreciated), pictures of him, and of course, phone calls. If I think of more, I'll post!

Answer 7

I'll focus on your real question:  how to stay in touch?

Kids don't like to write letters because they are long, should be grammatically correct, spelling counts...basically all the reasons they don't like to write paragraphs in English.  So, change the "rules" a bit.  Have him write postcards...short and to the point.  He even might be able to squeeze in more info if he writes in fragments, gets creative with punctuation.  OR Have him draw pictures and send those.  OR Give him a hand-held tape recorder and lots of blank tapes.  Once you get over the initial shyness of talking to the tape recorder, get into a routine (I always recorded while driving to/from work), it is really easy.  And the tapes (20 years later) are GREAT fun to listen to.  OR phone  OR e-mail  OR Ask him for ideas, ask his mom for ideas.  Also, accept the fact that you're going to have to make some trips/accept house guests now and then.

Answer 8

Congratulations on the new job, and I hope the move goes well.  Your son may find that letters are boring now, but at that age of ten, he is quickly maturing.  Perhaps, it is time for him to make some decisions.  How does he want to keep in contact?  He has options: letters, email, phone, video phone, summer/winter vacations.  Maybe he will come up with other ideas too.

What about his nmom?  Maybe she can devise some options.  Would she be willing to do a bi-monthly drive half way?

The options themselves are not so paramount.  The important thing – I suggest – is that everyone affected have some power and choice in the matter.  Moving is a part of life.  After all, in eight years, your son may decide to move to Paris whether you want him to or not.

Side note: modern culture has a habit of infantilizing older children and adolescents.  Historically, they have worked along side adults, had significant autonomy, and knew how to care for their younger family members.  Think of yourself at the age of ten.  You probably were quite a capable young person.

Answer 9

I have a GREAT idea!  The area that you are moving to sounds wonderful.  If I were you, I would move heaven and earth to help your son's mom find a job so she can move to the same area.  Moves are very disruptive to children.  If his first mom were to move as well, I think that it would help to smooth his adjustment to new friends, new school, and new community.  I am sure that you will work this out.

If a move for your son's mom is not possible, what about "Myspace"?  My husband and I sponsored a French student in our home for a summer.  We just fell in love with her.  After she moved back to France, it was a struggle to stay in touch (email and letters did not work).  We discovered her "Myspace" page and have found it very effective.  Your son is a little too young for Myspace but maybe his first mom could set one up.  Just a thought.

And kudos to you for supporting at least once a week visits, for caring about the effects of the move on your son, and most of all for describing the first mother of your son as "my son's mom" and not his birthmom (gave me tears).

Best of luck to your family - ALL of your family.

Answer 10

Phil's right.

If this were a divorce situation you might not be allowed by law to move more than 30-50 miles from the other parents.

This isn't about what's good for you and your husband.  When you took this on, you should have honestly commited to what is best for this child.

You're defaulting on an agreement.  Period.

Answer 11

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for this move.  If you are living in an area of high crime and cost of living, then you have to wonder why people can't see how this is a good move for the child.  It's not like you want to remove his biological mother from his life, because you are asking how to keep the connection going.  Perhaps she can also move some day.

Others have good ideas and technology is great for staying in touch.  Get a webcam for communicating and they can see each other more than still pictures.  There are talking frames that can be sent and re-sent with new messages.  But, what would probably help most is to plan the first visit before you even leave, then the next before that visit is over, etc.

Good luck!

Answer 12

I would suggest that you first get a great long distance plan! LOL! I would also buy him a personal recorder (you know the small hand held ones) and he can talk to his mom like he would in a letter. He can send her the tapes through the mail. (i wouldn't know how to download them online, but I'm sure that it's possible). What about adding a webcam to your computer. If your son's mother doesnt have a webcam, maybe it would be good Christmas gift for her?  Good luck!

Answer 13

Whatever anyone else has said, the fact that you're trying to create a better life for YOUR son and still ENCOURAGE him to maintain a relationship with his birth mother means that you are being FANTASTIC parents.  Just because you want him to still know his birth mother doesn't meant you're not his parents.

Have you talked to the birth mother about her thoughts on maintaining contact?  Maybe she'd be willing to come visit.

Answer 14

You could get a webcam if other people have it they could talk to him over it and see each other. Talks on the phone, email, letters or postcards(they can be short) , youtube videos visits when you can. (That can go both ways too) That’s really about all you can do.

Don’t feel bad about moving.