Mummys - are you for or against 'cry it out'? and why?

Question

Just wondering opinions. I'm not here to judge or attack anyone, im just curious what others do and think about it.

Personally, i dont do it. I cant. i think that if my daughter, who is 12mos is crying, then there is something she needs that i havent done for her. even if its only that she wants a cuddle. and i feel like if i ignore her then im failing her as her mother and since she didnt choose to be here then i dont see why she deserves to be ignored.

i know someone who uses CIO, and her little girl is terrified of bedtime. she associates it with a time where she cries and mummy doesnt come. and she has told me of times when she cried so much she vomitted - which i think is just plain dangerous.

i just want to make it clear im not insulting those who do use it and im not accusing anyone of being a bad parent.

Thanks.

Answer 1

Against. It hurts me to listen to him cry. A lot of people tell me that he needs to do it sometime or else he'll be a sissy mama's boy or something.. but i don't care. He's my baby and I'll take care of him the way I feel is right. I very clearly remember my mom letting me CIO as a kid and it's a memory i don't want my son having when he's older.

Answer 2

I'm against it. While I understand that babies only way of communicating it by sometimes crying, they are OBVIOUSLY trying to tell us something therefore they shouldn't be ignored. My Daughter is 3 months old and although at times I wish she would be able to self soothe a little, I have never and never would let her CIO.

Answer 3

All of these new age methods are nice words for 'detached parenting'. There is already too much of that going on.  

Answer 4

Against. It only serves to cause baby insecurity and raised blood pressure, which is definitely not good health-wise. Going to your baby when they cry teaches them trust and security. That, in turn, will create a more secure Independence, as they will trust you to be there for them when they really need you.

Not to mention CIO is completely unnatural. We have our maternal instincts for a reason. To ignore those instincts, and ignore a babies only form of communication, is not natural at all.

Answer 5

I'm not a mother (much too young!) but I had this discussion with my own mummy earlier (she has five children, but we're all pretty much grown up now, between the ages of 22 and 14). There is a difference between ignoring your baby and trying to settle them down to bed by putting them to bed and checking on them periodically. My mum is of the opinion that as long as you check that everything is ok before you put them to bed and check on them at intervals there should be nothing wrong with letting them cry a little. It's not going to traumatise them and it's ridiculously hysterical to regard it as "abuse".

I read something the other day that said babies learn to lie from as early as six months, in various different forms such as laughing or crying to get attention. At a very young age they only cry for basic needs but it doesn't take long for them to learn that crying is useful for other things.

My aunt has two little girls and I remember that if we went to their house, she had to go upstairs for an hour or more to hold their hands as they fell asleep because they wouldn't fall asleep on their own. It was ridiculous and just as bad when we babysat them for a night and I had to lie with the youngest as she fell asleep and couldn't even sneak off just as she was starting to drift off. I'm not saying that this always happens or anything, it's just an example of how my aunt fussing over them every time they cried meant that they couldn't fall asleep unless she was there.

I know I'll get thumbs down for this, partly for daring to give my opinion on parenting when I'm not a parent myself and also because I seem to disagree with almost everyone else. But to me this is slightly like the whole smacking debate. People seem to have different perceptions of what people mean when they say "smacking", some people think it's a proper whack, whereas I consider a smack a sharp tap on the bottom. It seems similar with this, where some people seem to think that the whole "COI" thing is parents abandoning their babies and ignoring them when they need something.

Answer 6

With you on this. Baby's cannot fix things for themselves..they don't even know WHY they're crying most of the time. To leave them is cruel in my opinion...

Answer 7

My bubba is only 4 weeks so unless I have popped to the loo or to the kitchen to fetch a drink, I don't leave him to cry - my partner doesn't like this but hey!

4 weeks is far too young to leave a baby to cry it out, having said that, on one occasion knowing he was fed, winded and clean, I did see for a few minutes and he was fine, went right off to sleep but if its clear he's not happy I'll do something, sometimes he just wants to settle on me before going down and if he sleeps better for it, I am happy with that.

Answer 8

I don't do it. I want my daughter to trust me, not be miserable because I am leaving her to sob alone.  

Answer 9

I'm neither for or against the CIO method as its not my business what people choose to do with their children to get them into a bedtime routine...

However like you i choose not to do it, agree that they only cry for a reason and to me a cuddle is a reason too...My daughter does have a routine but cuddles at bedtime are part of it and i love it!

Answer 10

I don't do the cry it out because they are crying for a reason and they telling us something. I just can't stand and listen to my children crying and crying. I don't do it with my kids at all. I hold them or give them hug and they usually stop crying. My four year would be sitting on my bed beside me sitting their crying. He stop if I let him lay right beside me with some skin contact and cuddle and he goes back to sleep. he been doing that for while since he are having some problems with his tonsils. Which he going to have surgery Sept 2. We be cuddling a lot after that to make him feel better.

Answer 11

I believe in it. to a point. I did it with my oldest, who is now 2 years, 8 months. I started letting her cry it out when she was 1 year. I will add my daughter is very stubborn, bull-headed. After I made sure she was ok and had everything for bed (clean diaper, paci, blanket, pillow, stuffie, maybe a book in her bed) my husband and I gave her big hugs and kisses and told her good night. We would check on her periodically, let her know we were still there and everything was fine. She would try every trick in the book to try to get back out of bed just because she didn't want to go to bed. It wasn't that there was anything wrong, she just didn't want to. after time, I knew she was doing it to just see if she could get her way...It took me and my husband a long time to get her to stop crying, she didnt stop these fits at bedtime until she was almost 2 1/2 years old. Everyone who we know who has kids older than her told us 2 weeks it would take. Now I am to the point I am weaning my youngest off of breastfeeding, and she is going to be a challenge at CIO. I haven't started it yet, want her to be pretty much done breastfeeding, but when I do do it, it wont be pretty...she is 11 months old and STILL wakes up 2 times a night, needing me. So I know when I do it there will be many sleepless nights due to letting her cry it out and waking up our toddler, but I think its all worth it.....

Answer 12

I don't believe in this method either. My baby has yet to be born, tho and I may change my mind but I'll try everything before I get there. It's not about giving her what she wants at all time, it's just about showing her I'm there.

Then again, as I said, I have no real experience.

Answer 13

Well, personally I have never needed to use CIO as my daughter has always been a good sleeper.  I give her a bottle and then cuddle her to sleep and that's it! She has her dummy if she wakes in the night and I only really have to get up to her if she is teething because she cries a lot then.  I know I am very lucky though, so I can't really judge what other mums do as I am not in their position.  It may work for some and not for others.

Answer 14

it depends on the circumstances.

if they are under 2 then I wouldn't let them cry it out because they could be crying for something or desperately need something. If they are older then it depends why they are crying. If they are crying because I wouldnnt buy them a ice cream or chocolate and they are throwing a tantrum or if theyve been misbehaving and they are crying because I made them sit down I would let them cry it out. But obviously if they are crying because they hurt themselves obviously I wouldnt let them cry it out.

Answer 15

I NEVER will let my 2 month old son just cry for hours on end and leave him to cry it out.  If he is crying and bawling ther eis somethign he needs andi am the one to sort it.

I left himt o cry once the other night for about 3 mins and he bawled and it sounded horrible.

I could not leave him. Allthat night he was niggly and moody cause i let him cry.

He is such a happy baby and always smiling and hardly cries andi think that is because i never leave him to cry and get stressed out.

What is the point?

Answer 16

While it is true babies must learn the skill of self-soothing, they don't need to learn this by crying it out. It's ridiculous. Babies don't cry unless there is a reason (being too tired can be one of those!) - and they don't learn anything but fear and neglect if parents allow them to cry it out.

It is fine for babies to cry - they need to. But, when putting them down for a nap, to bed, etc... it is insane to just lay them down and let them cry for 5-10 mins. It's not teaching them anything except anxiousness because help isn't coming.

My babies were happy, well-adjusted and felt secure. Now, maybe at 18 mos, it's something different to let them fuss a little longer if they are cranky - but not before this. Not necessary.

Answer 17

I'm so with u!! I have tried it ONCE with my 7month old son and I'm sorry but whatever he needs (that he is obviously crying for) I will give him. I just cant stand the thought of him crying for a reason and me ignoring him! I don't want to judge anyone but I could never do that to my baby, I hate even leaving him crying for 2secs while I go get his bottle. For those that say children are spoiled coz they cry when they want picked up well is it such a bad thing for a child to want a cuddle? They cant tell you in words they only know to cry when ther is something worng.

It gives me the shivers to think of my child crying and me ignoring him.

Defo defo against!!!

Answer 18

i"m in the middle on this one, i don"t think leaving a baby/toddler to cio for a short while doesn"t do much harm, but if they end up getting hysterical or been sick then obviously you need to calm them and give them a cuddle.

on a toddler, if the crying is due to the child not getting his/her own way, i would normally try to divert their attention to stop the tears rather than let them get themselves more upset, my 4 year old has the most awful screaming and crying fit"s when i"ve told her no to something, so i tend to ignore her sometimes (if the diversion trick isn"t going to work), and when she knows she"s not going to win, she"ll stop the tears after a couple of mins..then i"ll give her a cuddle.  

Answer 19

If my wee boy cries for any length of time he is sick as well which is very upsetting and makes a bad situation worse so i always go to him when he cries thankfully he isn't clingy at all.

Everyone has different ideas on parenting and they should do what works for both them and the child and ignore peoples nasty comments.

xx

Answer 20

Wow. Leaving her child so distressed that she vomits. Not a good idea. Well, my husbands Aunt is a midwife told me from the first day my daughter was born to just put her down asleep and to leave her. (As long as she was fed, dry, had no wind) So we tried it and she screamed and screamed. We couldn't leave her to cry so we kept picking her up until she stopped and then putting her back down again. In the end, she would have been crying for so long she would need to be fed again. So all she was learning was that if she cried for long enough, she would get fed eventually. So we have never EVER tried that again. Babies aren't meant to be left to cry. Not when they are tiny thats for sure.  

Answer 21

I'm with you, completely.

My son has never cried it out, he's almost 7 months old & he's the most relaxed baby i know, everyone tells me how theyve never seen a baby that smiles that much, if a complete stranger looks at him he'll give them all a big teethless smile... He's a blessing, sleeps through the night, plays on his own, loves being in his swing, falls asleep on his own.. He's just a wonderful little guy.

My BIL has a 7month old girl who was left to CIO from the day she was born.. YES! the 1st night of that baby out of mommy she was left to cry ALL NIGHT LONG, her mother told me that she checked her & she was just wanting to be held but she didn't hold her!! OMG i almost fainted, how can someone leave their 12hr baby to cry alone ALL NIGHT???

Needless to say, she's a little wreck, incredibly fussy, wants to be held all the time, she's very active, whines all the time, can't stay in 1 place for more than 15min.. Oh you should see her, poor little girl, she is just a difficult baby but it's not her fault at all, she was left to cry so now whenever she's left alone she thinks no one is coming to get her in 10hours.. oh & i've never gotten a smile out of her, everyone in the family talks about how she never smiles & how my little boy smiles all the time...

Another proof of why CIO is harmful for babies

Answer 22

I leave my elder to CIO - he's 17 months, and he isn't scared of bedtime at all. He has a routine, and I know he's tired, if he's crying, it's because he's tired. Unfortunately, he's a sly little monkey and he knows it would make Mummy come and he would just play and laugh. This doesn't amuse me half as much as it amuses him! If he really needs me, then I can tell by the way he cries - I don't let him work up to that at all, it just starts differently, and he knows that I'll come if he really needs me.

My little one hardly ever cries, ever, and at bedtime he has a dummy. The only time he'll cry in bed is if he's lost it so I go and pop it back in and he's fine.

I do think that a lot of kids wise up very very quickly and play on it just to get attention, all that does is create even tireder children I think, I don't agree with them getting so tired that they go down straight away after being grizzly for ages just to make Mummy's life easier.

Answer 23

Absolutely against it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people take the lazy way out, instead of actually parenting their children.

And I am comfortable saying that because there is nothing so terribly difficult about going in and picking your child up and soothing them.  To deny a baby the basic comforts in life is just cruel.

CIO causes harmful changes to babies’ brains

CIO results in decreased intellectual, emotional and social development

CIO results in a detached baby

CIO is harmful to the parent-child relationship

CIO makes children insecure

CIO often doesn’t work at all

Even if CIO does “work”, parents often have to do it over and over again

CIO is disrespectful of my child’s needs

Deep sleep from CIO is often a result of trauma

Answer 24

Well i am not a mammy but I have allot of experience with minding kids and I would think that if you have made sure everything id done for the child like before going to bed i.e.: Feed, Changed nappy, Burped if needed, bit of a cuddle or if needed a story. Then I would settle the child .I of course would check on the baby when I would hear he or she cry and would make sure there is nothing sharp or anything digging in to the baby and I would give the baby another cuddle and then after that if the baby continued to cry I would leave them for spaces of about 15 mins to try and settle themselves ...But no I would not let them cry themselves to sleep. In other situations if it can be done in a safe way then yes for very short periods of time I would do it

Answer 25

Why would anyone let an infant 'cry it out'?  I don't understand the reasoning behind it.  I think infants need to feel loved and secure.  It would break my heart to see my daughter that upset and know all I had to do was pick her up and love her to make her feel better.  Why on earth wouldn't you do that?

That is my opinion.  

Answer 26

Personally, i couldn't listen to my baby crying without going and cuddling it and making sure it was okay...

how can i leave my baby crying all alone?

I would feel so cruel, and i wouldn't want my baby to think i don't love it...cuddling and giving your baby attention is NEVER a bad thing so personally i don't believe in the whole neglecting 'cry it out' thing.

Answer 27

I think Mystic's comparison of letting a bedridden elderly person CIO is an excellent explanation for why I don't like letting a baby CIO. I see no difference whatsoever. This whole emphasis on making our children "independent" is a little over the top, in my honest opinion. I think that there was just a question the other day about "spoiling" a six-week old by going to him when he cries - crazy!

Answer 28

I am against it personally but I understand that it is each parents own choice.  I tried it at 6 months with my first son because he would only sleep with me there and the pediatrician recommended trying it.  Well the first night of doing it he cried so much and so hard that he literally had an asthma attack and when i walked in the room after letting him cry for 20 minutes his lips were blue and I had to take him for a breathing treatment.  Never again did I try to let him CIO it wasn't worth it.  I am ok with my decision to not do CIO, my son trusts me and just feels comfortable with me around and I am ok with that.  For about 2 wks after that he wouldn't let me leave his sight even for a second.  

Answer 29

Babies used to be left to cry it out, my mum used to put me in the garden under the trees and this was fine.... I have turned out fine. If the baby is clean and fed I would not worry. The only thing maybe it did to me is make me feel I do not need people... I am nearly 40 and very independant with no children and have never felt the need to be that close to family... I don't feel that not wanting family around is a bad thing, that is just how I am.  

Answer 30

I find people implement this wrongly which causes all the distress.  If you want your baby to be able to go to sleep by themselves thereby giving you sleep, your family sleep, your bed back, your relationship with your partner back then there is a way and it is NOT by putting your baby in a crib and ignoring them - that is cruel.  At the same time we are not all martyrs who can be glued to their baby 24 hrs a day - personally at 36 I would never have the energy!  However I do believe that feeding, burping, cuddling and singing to a baby - setting them in their crib - kissing them goodnight is very kind and loving.  Then going in every 5 minutes (or sooner) to soothe them and kiss them and let them know you love them is not cruel.  Picking them up for a cuddle (and checking for wind) is not cruel.  Giving them loads more kisses and stroking their little head is not cruel.  Letting your baby learn to fall asleep without you is not cruel.

Answer 31

Its not just wrong -its abuse.  But to clarify that doesn't mean I think it is abuse if:

*you are in a car and can't comfort your child until you find a safe place to stop

*let a baby cry because you have to tend to another child with a more serious problem

*let a baby cry after you have tried everything and you need to step out for a few minutes otherwise you will hurt the baby

I am only referring to deliberately letting a baby cry alone, including for a predetermined amount of time before providing some predetermined amount of comfort and then letting the baby cry some more.  Out of the believe that this will benefit the child.

If it is abuse to do it to an infirm senior then it is abuse to do it to a baby (And vice versa, I certainly despise the rules where I live about not changing seniors until their diapers are a certain percentage wet)

SPOILING

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T10020...

New parents often ask, "Won't holding our baby a lot, responding to cries, nursing our baby on cue, and even sleeping with our baby spoil her?" Or they ask if this kind of parenting will create an overly dependent, manipulative child? Our answer is an emphatic no. In fact, both experience and research have shown the opposite. Attachment fosters eventual interdependence. A child whose needs are met predictably and dependably does not have to whine and cry and worry about getting his parents to do what he needs.

Dr. Sears suggests: Attachment parenting implies responding appropriately to your baby; spoiling suggests responding inappropriately.

Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies

http://askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.a...

http://www.naturalchild.org/tine_theveni...

We are born needing. We have need for air, food, sleep, and shelter. We have need for intellectual and physical stimulation. We have a need to be loved and touched.2 If any of these needs goes fully or even partially unattended, the person hurts; and in the case of an emotional wound, the person may spend the rest of his life struggling to soothe the initial hurt.3

Gesell argues that a child passes through predictable stages of development at predictable times.4 Thus what might seem to become a habit, may be simply a gratification of a need.

Hymes, in his book Child under Six, describes a habit as an action which can easily be broken. "If you run into any major difficulty at all," he writes, "Beware! You are probably not dealing with an old outworn habit. The chances are that you are tampering with a human need."5

If the body indicates a need for food, treating it like a habit and disregarding it will not make the hunger go away. Ignoring the sensation of wanting to lie down and sleep will not cure one forever from having to sleep eight hours a day.

[...]

I remember carrying my first infant throughout the day. Then she began to crawl and I no longer needed to hold her so frequently. I remember nursing her fifteen times a day. Now she is weaned and eats and drinks what we eat and drink. I used to take her with me wherever I went. And if I could not take her I stayed home. (Except if she was asleep.) She was happiest with this arrangement. Then when she was about three years old, she took another step toward independence-, she looked forward to the occasional babysitter to read her a bedtime story and put her to bed.

A child who has his needs fulfilled will become an independent, secure person. But independence cannot be forced upon someone.7 It takes time and growing at the individual's own pace. The more secure he is in the knowledge that he can always come back to his parents, the more independent he will become. We will only create problems if we regard his needing us at night as a problem which should be "cured."