My 10 year-old-daughter writes note about hating me, what should I do?

Question

I keep finding notes in various notebooks, not by snooping just seriously on accident, written by my ten year-old daughter about how she hates me and she loves her dad more. (her dad left me when I was preggers and re-entered her life when she was about 4, she sees him about 5 times per year) I'm sure this might be normal, although I never even felt this about my mother at this age, but my parents are still married. I don't know how to approach this. I certainly don't want to turn myself into a victim if she needs help. I also don't want to make a big deal if it is normal development. For now I just throw them away and say nothing, but it is breaking my heart, what should I do???

Answer 1

she dosnt hate you...she was probably just mad @ the time....she may be angry with you because her dad is not around..even though its not your fault..but ten year olds need someone to blame..

EDIT>>>dont sit her down and make her read them to you, just put the letters back where you found them..she needs to vent her anger and if writing things down helps her let her continue to do so...you can work things out with her without letting her know you read her letters

Answer 2

It kinda sounds like she wants you to find the notes. Maybe she wants you to say something about it, you know like acting out for attention. Sit down with her and tell her you found the notes and ask her why she hates you and what she's going through. Maybe she just wants to know that you will acknowledge her.

Answer 3

Please please don't worry about this.  She's 10 and 10 year olds get mad when you tell them to clean their room, when to go to bed, and to do homework.  When she gets angry she writes these.  How is your relationship most of the time though?  Is it a normal healthy relationship, if so leave it be.  

Do not mention anything to her regardless, this is her private property, and her way of getting her feelings out.  If your relationship can use some work then spend some more time with her,  I'm sure you are a wonderful parent!

My child has told me that she hates me when she is angry.  I know it hurts, but I know it is because she is angry.  We all say (and write) things we don't mean when angry. It does not even phase me.

Answer 4

She may feel that way because he's not there. It's easy to love some one who isn't there yelling at you, giving you chores, and punishing you for doing bad. I would let her know you found the notes and wonder why she feels that way. You may find that she feels that the rules are to strict for her age. This happens a lot. It's hard to know when to get rid of some rules and change others. So, I would talk to her and figure this out.

Answer 5

u should truly look into it and have her tell u .. whatever it is u need to do a lot of explaining .. casue u said u entered her life at 4 well......shes pretty lucky casue my mom entered my life at 14.. and im 17 now.. tahst only 3 years, but shes explained a lot of things and now .. i feel liek she is the only one i can trust.. u need to conect with her.. and show her u to are alike and show her that her voice counts

Answer 6

OKay ,

When kids are ten, they say ALOT of silly things!

Like, My brothers daughter broke up with her friend because the other friend wouldnt hold the door while she went to the loo!

just sit your daughter down and speak the truth, its better than breaking your heart.

Believe ME!

Hope I helped

Good Luck x

xx

Answer 7

I woulnd't avoid the the situation, you must have done something that she disagreeded with which might have made her angry at you?

Answer 8

Well, when i was younger and particulary mad at my mother i would sometimes write them. But they never really meant much. She might be missing her dad and is taking it out on u that she doesn't see him a lot. Talk to her. But dont annoy her about it. It might just be nothing. It could be a phase shes in.

Answer 9

If she is behaving normally and not all mouthy with you. And not saying that to you then it may be just her way of dealing with certain stresses she has. It may make her feel better by acting like all is horrible - she may use to realize how good she does have it. It could be just a great imagination.

However if she starts to have behavior problems then I would talk to her about those notes. Or if she says things that make you worried. All girls hate their mom once in a while - at least for a little while.

Answer 10

She is 10 so I would stop throwing them away and sit her down to talk about it.  Tell her you found this and ask her to read it to you.  It's going to be embarrassing for her but you can ask questions after wards, like why she hates you, and what you can do to change it.  I don't think this is "typical" behavior.  She may need some counseling, but you must discuss the issue with her now.

Answer 11

Don't let it get you down. I am 25 now but when I was 4 my parents got divorced and my mom got remarried. Whenever she wouldn't let me do something or have something, or just made me upset in any way I would, sometimes tell her and sometimes write it down, how much I hated her and things would be diffrent if I was with my dad. I think if I had lived with him I probablly would have wanted to be with my mom. I think having parents split up gives kids an escape if you will, when things are bad with mom, they think and dream about living with dad. and visa versa. If your parents are not divoced they generally agree on what to let the child do and are a team so the child is mad at both of them and has no "perfect" parent so to speak to imagine running to. She will eventually get over it, although she might be in college before this happens, just be patient with her, and remember she really does love you.

Answer 12

If she's leaving them in places where you can find them, not keeping them private, then she needs to take responsibility for the hurtful words that she's saying.  

Next time you find one in a publicly shared place, write a note back to her, telling her that you found the attached note & how it made you feel.  Let her know that you love her and always will.  Then, let her know that it hurts you to think that she is not happy in her relationship with you.  Ask her to write back to you, or speak to you directly, regarding anything she's unhappy about, so that the two of you can work back to having a mutually respectful & loving relationship with each other.  

Then, while still maintaining your role as the responsible adult in her life, work together with her to try to reach a mutually respectful & empathetic relationship.

Answer 13

My ten year old frequently hates me too.  I say this, not to be a snot, but, partly to state the fact that many ten year old girls are starting to feel a bit of change coming on. They may be having a hard time dealing with their emotions and budding hormones.  I think talking with her about her feelings might do both of you a bit of good.  You may want to get her a journal where she can write out her feelings and discuss them with you when she feels ready.  If you think you might need a mediator, a therapist can help get the communication process going in the right direction.  I hope this helps.

Answer 14

Don't take things so seriously ( nobody needs counseling)

Because she lives with you, you are the disiplinarian...

When she wants to do something, sometimes she gets to, sometimes not...

When not.. " I hate Mom.. she never lets me do nuttin...."

Dad however sees her five or six times a year, buys her stuff, and they have a good time.... from his point, it's not very often, from hers.. he's always like this....

Answer 15

Hi.

     Since she doesn't know that you know about the notes, try to care for her even better than you've been doing lately.  Try to be friends with her, spend quality time with her, take her places she finds interesting etc.  Believe me, things will get better.

     Take care and good luck!