My 12 year old daughter has a crush on a college man!?

Question

Okay. My daughter is 12. She is very smart and mature for her age. She has told me she is not interested in boys or dating because she is too busy with her friends and books and activities and she realizes boys her age are immature and older boys might not have her best interest in mind. She is not allowed to date until age 16 and was okay with that. Yay! I was celebrating the next three years because of it! That is a lot of stress off us!

Now I go into her email (she knows I do this though I usually only see who she is writing to and do not read the notes.)

She confided to her friend ``I got back from camp [it was a Christian camp] and now it is SOOO annoying. I am crushing on someone from there. Problem is he is in his 20s so it is never gonna happen. What do I do?``

Now I know who this person is based on her excitement to start going to outreach nights in the Fall at the camp. He is a 23 year old about to graduate from college and he was one of her group leaders. MORE BELOW.

Answer 1

its harmless, as long as you know the guy wouldnt take advantage of a young girl there is nothing to worry about, all  young girls get crushes and  most of the time it is on someone older, its not unusual for a girl to have a crush on an adult man. dont forbid her to go back to camp, youll only make her sulky and droopy for the next few months, let her go, it will all pass just fine as soon as some cute boy from school says  hi  lol.

Answer 2

She isn't doing anything wrong , even by your standards!

She isn't dating him, she just has a crush on him. I had loads of crushes on people three times my age at 12 and nothing ever happened.

Just relax and stop reading her e-mails!

Answer 3

I don't beleive this is inappropriate or bad parenting. Um wouldn't it be okay if she had a crush on a celebrity. How is this any different. At that age, girls don't distiguish that they just mean the guy was hot. Nothing would ever happen, obviously, and I think if you're really this concerned you should talk to her.

Answer 4

Don't freak. Its normal for a girl her age to have a crush on someone significantly older. Its no different than girls who watch tv to have crushes on people like Orlando Bloom or Heath Ledger (rip). If she doesn't come in contact with him alot it will pass very quickly. If she continues to see him it might only last for 1 or 2 years at most and then she will start noticing boys her own age. She is still very young, you got to remember that. And you should probably be less strict on her. I agree with not letting her date til she is 16, but thinking she is strange for liking an older guy and perusing her email inbox is a little much. Let of slightly and just don't worry about it. It isn't a problem until the 20+ guys start liking her, because everyone knows what they are after. Thats what you have to watch out for.

Answer 5

It's pretty normal for teenagers to crush on older men. For example, some teenagers have a crush on one of their teachers/an older cousin...

I don't think she'll do something wrong since you said she's mature for her age. Just stop worrying =)

Good luck xx

Answer 6

when my cousin was 12, she said she was gonna marry kenny chesney.

Answer 7

It is just a little crush.  It means absolutely nothing.  Don't punish her for this, don't even acknowledge it.  To do so would be telling her that having perfectly normal feelings for a girl her age is somehow wrong and shameful.  In the future, she'll get a very bad idea about relationships and probably fall into the wrong kind.  In addition, she'll work extra hard to hide her personal feelings from you (and probably everyone else too) because she feels ashamed of them.

Answer 8

Refrain from grounding your daughter for being a typical twelve year old. The last thing you want to do is stifle her emotional growth. It's one thing to discuss the dangers that are out there and it's another thing to become Margaret White. It's not anything you've done, either! She's growing up!

Answer 9

When I was 12 I was deeply "in love" with Kevin, who was very active in our church. He was about 22 at the time. I never told my mom either. Part of why I never told her was I was embarrassed. He was also one of my first crushes, a crush that was more than likely never ever going to reciprocate my love. I also knew that if my mom knew I'd be reminded that I wasn't allowed to date til I was 16.

The crush passed soon after. School will start and she'll probably stop thinking about him. At least you know that if he is a counselor at her camp he's a good Christian guy and you know that he's not some pig that will take advantage of her.

I just wanted to add that punishing her isn't a good idea. She's not keeping something from you that she has done wrong, she just hasn't shared that she has a crush on someone older. I think that telling her that you know will also violate any trust she has in you. Then she'll never confide in you. I once found out my mom read my diary. Not only did I hide it from her in a place should could never find, but I didn't trust her. I felt like I couldn't tell her anything. It took years for that to change.

Maybe spend some time praying about it. I'm sure God can speak to your heart and heal your hurt and help you understand.

God Bless!

Answer 10

She cant help that she has a crush. If she knows that she cannot act on it and she crushes from a distance then no harm done. There is absolutley no reason for you to punish her I don't think. She didn't do anything wrong. You cant tell me that you NEVER had a crush on an older guy....? Its a young girl thing. Leave it alone, just be aware of it.

Answer 11

its NO big deal

she just has a little crush on him

its not like she wants to ask him out or anything

Answer 12

She's normal - and she knows it's never going to happen. Really don't worry about it. If he's good looking, probably half the girls at camp have a crush on him. My twelve year old has a crush on Eli Manning.

Answer 13

dont punish her!

girls will like boys, no matter how old they are, its a natrual instinct

i mean, i am 13 and have a crush on my sisters choir director and he is in his 20s.

dont blame her for not telling you--i mean, dont you remember when you were younger and had crushes?

would you ever tell your mom or grandma or something?

get off her back and move on

Answer 14

Talking to her about it is a good idea... But talking to the young man and confiding in him in confidence is a GREAT idea... He needs to be made aware of it so that he can be sure he doesn't innocently doing anything to provoke these feelings she is having..Keep in mind, that if you talk to your daughter about it, she is gonna wanna know how you found out... so, you might have two issues to deal with instead of one... I for one would not add that I invaded her privacy... it proves to them ( only ) that there might be trust issues... I have a 12 year old daughter myself and that is exactly how i would handle it...

Answer 15

Hey, I had a crush on Cheryl Tiegs when I was 11, and she was probably in her late 20's at the time.  It didn't scar me for life, and since I never told her, it didn't matter much to her either.

Don't worry about it, its not wrong, its not weird, its perfectly normal.  In fact a Christian counselor is probably a pretty good choice of older men to have a crush on.  At least it isn't the garbage collector, or the school janitor or someone.

Having a crush on someone is NOT like going out on dates.... its just liking someone.

Answer 16

its just probably a phase shes going through

Answer 17

I just wanted to say that I agree with the majority of the people here. I'm 20 and also wasn't allowed to start dating until 16, and I can pretty clearly remember crushes on older guys (my math teacher for example) when I was your daughters age. Nothing ever EVER happened, they never even knew about it, they were really just somebody to goggle at and blush about. Nothing serious. Like others said, its pretty much the same thing as "crushing" on celebrities. Your daughter even stated in the email "problem is he is in his 20s so its never gonna happen", and I believe she also claimed it to be "annoying". Sounds to me like the "what do i do?" was more concerning how does she stop crushing on him.

I understand it's really tough to be a mom and watch your daughter grow up so fast-- I remember several arguments with my mom that stemmed from me "keeping" things like crushes from her. I'm sure it hurts, but reading her emails will look to her like youre prying into her life and don't trust her, which will only cause her to attempt to be more secretive. Trust me. Until she gives you a reason to worry and snoop into her things (and this isn't one) really try to trust and believe in your daughter's decisions and maturity.

Calm down.

Answer 18

Relax, I had a crush on an older man when I was that age.  I think everyone does.  As long as you keep an eye on her so it doesn't go any farther, don't worry about it.  Just drop a hint to her that she doesn't want to say anything to him about it, because it will just embarrass her when he tells her nothing can happen.  However, I don't agree with the others who say to stop reading her emails.  You are her mother and have the right and the responsibility to monitor her behavior.  What if this guy was not on the up and up?  You wouldn't have had a clue and she could get into trouble.  I know a lot will disagree with me on that, but I bet most of them will be kids who have something to hide.  She lives in your house, you have the right to know EVERYTHING that happens there.

Answer 19

I am not surprised she did not confide in you.  Kids know us better than we think they do.

Your daughter is having perfectly normal feelings, which you are labeling as wrong and inappropriate.  She knows you, so she knows you would not accept her development as a young woman.



Like it or not, kids have sexual feelings.  Since she cannot confide in you, she will confide in someone else.

I would suggest - seriously - that you learn more about adolescent sexual development so you can understand your daughter's feelings.  You might also want to explore why her developing sexuality is so frightening for you.

All the best.

Answer 20

i would stop worrying. this sounds like a typical case of a young girl finding an older hunk attractive. you said the guy would never do anything...and im sure he wouldnt...and u said shes smart too so why worry? everyone has a crush!

i also agree that reading her emails is wrong in every way. theres NO reason you should read her emails. thats such a sign of mistrust. let her be a kid and have a little faith in her.

Answer 21

I think it sounds fine. So u think shes too busy with frends to think about boys???....i wouldnt be too sure.Im 'smart and mature' and  My rentz think i dont like boyz yet either tho im datin and texting 15 yo guys (im 13) and its fine. Sneakin around at the mall too.

Answer 22

So it's not her fault she has a crush!

Answer 23

she would never have a chance he's 20 like come on jus stop worrying sit's ok for her to like him but he doesnt like her so chill ok

Answer 24

take a deep breath...

ok.  when i was little I was crushin on an older boy, even said i was going to marry him, (didn't happen).

I think this is a great opportunity for you to talk to your daughter.  You have a week to figure out what you are going to say.  Let her know that you read what she wrote and it wasn't right of you and that you are sorry..she most likely wont like you very much.  but also let her know that while she is crushin' on this guy that maybe she should think of what she likes about him and look for those qualities in someone more her age.

maybe allow her to go to some of the outreach nights...or go to them too...but don't ban her from them...i mean if you trust both of them there is no reason for her not to go.

if she is as smart as you say she is maybe talk about purity...I think this is a stepping stone for you to talk to her...

good luck

Answer 25

lol, i just got home from a christian camp today and all the girls from my group (there were like 14 of us) were in love with the bass player. he is in his 20's and the girls' age range from 13-17.  It's completely NORMAL, what's is wrong with a crush? She knows she isn't going to date him, "Problem is he is in his 20s so it is never gonna happen". I just don't get why you are freak9ing out so much.

I also don't think it's right that you read her e-mails unless you feel there is something inappropriate going on. But i do think it's good that you check who she is getting e-mails from as long as she knows about that. Just don't read them!

Answer 26

Do not punish her but speak with her about the situation and let her know you are upset that she did not mention this to you. Talk calmly and respectively to gain the best results. She may surprise you and do the right thing. If it continues, talk with the man about the situation ONLY IF you really think he will not exploit her in any way, and explain that this would be unexceptable in many ways. Maybe he will tell he the same if she continues on. Most of all let her know you trust her, she will feel awful about doing something to change that, and it will give her a concience. If she is not going to tell him that she has a crush, then I would ignore it as it will likely pass. Nothing can happen if it is not known

Answer 27

How did this happen?  It's called PUBERTY.  Why is she allowed to be on the internet without supervision?  Who knows what she has been doing witout you supervising her.  Should you let her go back to the camp?  I don't know has HE done anything to encourage your daughter?  If not the it's just a "school girl crush" however you need to supervise her activities online otherwise another school girl crush may turn out tragically..

Answer 28

When I was her age, I had a crush on a 43 year old guy. Brad Pitt is HOT!

Answer 29

If she was my daughter i would tell her i know, otherwise she will think you dont know anything about the situation. The longer you wait or if you dont do anything, the problem is going to get worse. Its not innapropriate for her to like this guy, she just cant go out with him. And DONT let her date yet she is to young to be "going out" with boys. Make her wait untill she is 16, let her know she needs to be focused on school and God right now. She will think you later ... Hope this helps...

Answer 30

OMG no have you never had a school girl crush? Its like crushing on a celeb. I'm 15 and i've liked older guys, but its just a crush and its probbably never gonna go farthar then that. It doesnt have anything to do with how you raised her believe me it wouldnt go away and when she gets older she's just gonna find new crushes. Girls like crushing on cute guys, but we know when its a little over board. Like i like John cena(31) and i'm 15. Or i had a crush on this guy who was a DJ at the p*****n dances i use to go to and everyone knew and i use to hang out with him there and stuff, but honestly he's like 4 years older than me. He's a nice guy and knows i'm too young. So dont worry about it you said yourself she's a good girl.

Answer 31

Oh please.  Kids have crushes on older guys all the time.  Doesn't mean she's going to go pursue it! My 7 year old has a crush on a Jonas Brother (Joe, I think) - what is he like 20? I went to camp at that time, and us girls ALWAYS had crushes on the guy camp counselers.  Didn't mean we'd do anything about it!!  Didn't you ever have crushes?