My 12 year old seems so angry?

Question

I need help. I had a son who died at the age of 18, 5 years ago my daughter was 7 years old when he pasted away. I had a great relationship with my son he would talk to me about anything and everything. My daughter on the other hand now 12 will not talk with me about anything and always seems to speak to my very rudely and with such sarcasm. I now also have a 3 year old daughter and am raising my 3 year old nephew and she is mean to them as well and will not interact with them unless she is forced to. I love my oldest daughter so much and can not understand why she has become so angry with me and her two younger siblings. I have tried talking with her about her behavior and have now even had to resort to sending her to her room or taking items away from her for speaking to me and the other children the way she does, this seems to help for about a day but then right back to the same old mouth. Maybe this is just the difference between boys and girls and if that is the case then that is alright, but I just don’t want her to grow up mean and angry because I see so many young women like this today. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

I got the same way when I was 13. Puberty kicks in and a kid wants to be independent.

Just keep talking to her, take an interest in what she likes. Maybe you guys could have a mother/daughter lunch/dinner day everyweek.

You're going to have to adjust to her new views, and the way she feels. If she doesn't want to talk, don't pressure her, just let her know that you're there if she changes her mind.

Answer 2

She's a teenager. Find out why she's so angry....if she doesn't want to talk just say, "I feel like you are so angry all of time if you want to tell me you can, if you dont than don't."

Answer 3

try to understand that the anger is a wall for grieving and fear of losing more family members take a grieving support group and both of you will get through this. i am so sorry you went through this. God bless you and your family.

Answer 4

try finding out whether she is just realizing the magnitude of her brother's death. maybe she's going through a "life is unfair" stage as she does. talk to her about casually and do not lecture if that is the case. do mention that being mean to siblings and family will not make anything better. also, remind her that talking to you will make things better.

Answer 5

maybe she feels that you are not spending enought time with her and devoting all ur energy into the younger kids, try to show her that you care very much about her and love her just as much as you love your other kids, bring her shopping, go out for lunch/dinner..just the 2 of you...

Answer 6

I would send her to counciling (alone maybe).   Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone else.

When I was 13 my grandmother passed.  After that things sorta went downhill.  I locked myself in my room & my family ignored me cause they figured I was going through those teenage years.... I even tried cutting myself.. Anyways.. I finally signed up for counseling (on my own) at school.  It started out as group counseling & then eventually I gave up on that & a teacher (bless her heart) suggested I try one on one counseling.  I did.  And things started to look up.  I poored my heart out & it all started with my grandmothers death & went into much much more than that.  Don't get me wrong, I was never abused or hurt in any BIG way.. but I am a middle child (yup!) and I felt everyone was out to get me.  I had nothing major going on but I just needed someone to show that they cared about me.. I was tired of my parents only caring for my little brothers like they were the best thing that ever happened to them -jealousy on my part.  I see that now, but at that time I thought it was the end of the world & no one would care if I lived or ... well you know.  

Trust me...... don't just put it off as she's being a teen.  

I wanted desperatly for my mom to just tell me how much she loved me & WHY...also that because she loved me she wanted me to get help... ----it never happened----- I was ignored some more.  Afterall she had two other small kids to care for.. and my older sisters were "perfect" I was the "weird" depressed & dark child so lets all just ignore her.

.... I love my mom today.. I love her more than anyone in this world (next to God & my daughter) Today... we have a wonderful relationship!  

So trust me, she wont "hate" you forever but the best thing you can do for her right now....... is to HELP her express her feelings in whatever way is best for her.  But don't let her figure it out on her own.  Moms should never give up -our job is never done or put aside.  

Only you know your daughter.... only you know which way is best for her to get that pain OUT and in the RIGHT way.  (group counseling, family therapy, individual, peer involvment, ...)

Answer 7

Very normal, she has the hormones coming out (do not talk to her about this, it will p**s her off) and she feels no one can possibly understand what she is going through. Typical behavior. Just hang on, she will pass through it and be your best friend when she is 20 :D

Answer 8

Seek professional help.

Answer 9

Sounds like normal behavior for a 12 yr old :( Ground her. Take away her privileges until she learns to treat others with respect. You are responsible for making your child into a responsible adult. Never let anything overrule that.

Answer 10

I have a rule with my children. If they come out of their rooms in the morning without a smile on their faces or in a bad mood, they are sent back to their room until they can come out happy.

Anger is merely an emotion and we are capable of controlling our emotions (yes, even teenagers can control them). Tell your teen that you are going to make some changes and tell her in advance that you will be changing the rules.

Decide what is acceptable and what is not in your house. If you don't want her to be angry in your house, tell her that it needs to change. Then enforce it. If she becomes angry simply banish her to her room until she chooses to be happy.

Answer 11

Take her to a counselor she seems depressed.

Answer 12

Perhaps the new addition of caring for your nephew, coupled with her hormonal changes have brought about some anger & grief over the death of your son.  Have you spoken to a therapist?  It sounds like your daughter would benefit from therapy sessions - grief commonly takes the form of anger & impulsive behaviours in children, as they don't have control or, nor understand their emotions.  Best of luck to you & your daughter.

Answer 13

First, I am very sorry for your loss.  I couldn't imagine losing a child.

I can't speak for every twelve year old on the planet... but I do know that twelve is a difficult age.  You're just about to become a teenager.  There are new "protocals", new clothes, new conversations, new respect, new problems, new responsibilities... etc.  She is probably struggling with these.

By all means, don't let your daughter talk or treat you and your other children badly at all.  Maybe you should even beef up the consequences of her actions.  Is sending her to her room really doing any good?  Does she have things in her room like a computer, tv, video games, or whatever.  You aren't really punishing her if that's the case.  You really didn't do anything at all, but give her space away from you.  Perhaps you could try grounding her or something.

Is there other things going on in her life?  Try leaving it open for her to talk.  Let her know that you are there, but don't push.  Do you talk about your son a lot?  Maybe she feels as if she will never live up to him.

It sounds to me like she's either jealous of her younger siblings (maybe even her older one) and she's acting out for attention.

I had the same problem when I was about her age.  To this day I half wonder if my sister is the favorite.  I pulled stunts and was really pretty mean just to get my mom's attention.  Now I know it was wrong, but then all I knew was that I wanted my mom's full attention.

Answer 14

it sounds to me like a typical almost teenager. however maybe you should get her some counseling, so she has someone she can talk to..  my son wont talk to me either but he;ll talk to other people.  it wouldn't to talk to a counselor and ask them if this normal behavior for a 12 yr old.

Answer 15

Open the talk to her during dinner time when everybody was around including her dad. Watch her reaction, may be your husband must say something. In this case she may speak out but you try to talk to her nicely.

Answer 16

hug her and don't let go as many times as you can in a day and don't say a word, if you start to cry then let the flood gates open w i d e , your emotions will do it words and discipline will not.  good luck and I love you

Answer 17

Your daughter may have seen that by your son talking to you ,he died, so maybe she thinks that if she doesn't talk to you, or tell you about her problems, she won't die. I have been through this myself. I had lost my Grandmother whom I used to talk to all the time. After she died I had a lot of resentment towards others. Sometimes I think that if I hadn't told her about all of my problems she wouldn't have died. So maybe you just need to explain to her that his talking to you had no effect on his death. I hope this helps somewhat.

Answer 18

Heey, dont worry about it! Shes just an average teenage girl, im a 14 year old girl and i remember ever since i hit 12 or 13 i was like completely different and i talked sarcastic all the time, becuase its easier to be sarcastic then to be serious and happy. I dunno why but i reckon its just a phase, and TRUST ME theres nothing (absoloutley nothing) wrong with her not wanting to interact with her younger siblings! I have an 8 year old brother and hes so annoying espesh when he wants me to play games with him etc. ... i'd rather be playing guitar, singing or on MSN or listening to music on my iPod or watching TV. Its just a phase, i mean seriously shes a teenage girl! I used to tell my mom EVERYTHING, now she doesnt know the names of my friends! Dont get me wrong, shes the BEST mom in the world and always lets me invite my friends over and she doesnt let me go to the mall thoe whcih im pretty mad about so i dont talk to her a lot, but i LOVE her and shes the best! She probably thinks the same about you. DW she'll get over it. ;) Hope i helped. : )

Answer 19

I think it has a lot to do with hormones,But also it might have affected her when her brother passed away.Maybe seeing a councilor might help her having someone to talk too.You sound a great mom  who's been through h**l ,As she grows into a women you ll become best of friends im sure, goodluck to you all xx