My 17 year old daughter doesn't know she was adopted, does that make me a bad father

Question

me and my wife swore we would never tell her because its not like she could find her biological mother because she's dead i'm not trying to justify my decision i just believe now its too late unless i wanna risk destroying our almost perfect relationship.

Answer 1

if you tell her she is going to hate you

Answer 2

i think you should have told her, even though you are her family now, she needs to know. she really does....

Answer 3

It's too late, don't tell her.

You should have told her when she was younger.  

Answer 4

most people would say "tell her & be honest" but honestly its not like lying. you are her family now and that is all that matters.

Answer 5

no.

You are a good father. You took her into your family when she was in need.

I would wait a little longer. Atleast till shes 18.

Answer 6

I think it's good that you don't tell her now. That could cause her some emotional scars if she tried to find her real mother and found out she's dead.

Answer 7

That does not make you a bad father,your just looking out for her and being a GOOD father.I wasn't adopted,but my mom was 16 when she had me and my mom couldn't take care of me so she asked my grandparents to take care of me until my mom got a steady lifestyle going on.It never happened so I ended up living with my grandparents from birth and I always called them "mom and dad" and i'd call my mom my sister and when I was 13(now 14) they told me cause they knew I deserved to know about it,my mom wanted to wait til I was 18 or even older! But my grandparents knew it wasn't fair to me not to know about my own life.Maybe you should sit her down and tell her just so she knows,but it's YOURS and YOUR WIFES choice to tell her or not.If she hasn't seen her birth certificate,and it has her mothers name,then i'd suggest maybe telling her,but if it has your wifes name then let it be.You wouldn't be destroying your almost perfect relationship,you've brought her up for 17 years and im sure you've done one heck of a job,and if she got mad if you ever told her,she shouldn't you've been her parents her whole life,you've brought her up basically as your own.I don't consider my mom my mom I just say it but my grandma is basically my mom and my grandpa is basically my dad since they raised me and took me in and made sure I had a good life and im thankful for that and I could never ever be mad at them for telling me about my situation.Im very sure your daughter will always love you no matter what and im sure if she knew about this and knew what you have done for her she'd be so thankful for giving her a good life that she deserved.You seem like a great father,so just think about your descion,no matter what she'll always love you even if you told her about this a bit to late.

Answer 8

she has a right to know i understand your protecting her but u should definitly tell her before her 17th b-day. if u treated her right and there's love im sure she would understand.

Answer 9

for medical reasons she needs to know you aren't her biological father so she knows her medical history. but dont make a big deal out of it.  

Answer 10

I think she miqht like to know. Just sit with her & your wife & carefully discuss it. I don't think you quys are bad parents because what you were probably tryinq to do was keep her from feelinq hurt or unwanted by her bioloqical parents. The sooner you tell her the better. I hope you quys stay as close as you are now... or that you'll qet closer.

Answer 11

personally i wouldn't tell her if it's been a secret for 17 years. I'm 14 years old and was adopted as a baby, but i think it may be the reason my mom and i don't have a such a good relationship, she has always wanted her own kids and we're just not as close as my friends are with their mothers.  I always think about how i'd probably have a better relationshiop wiht her if i was her own kid, so by telling her now she could feel betrayed that you kept secrets from her and wonder what else you're hiding, she could also chnage her view point on you seeing as your not her actual parents and that you kept sokething so big form her. If you tell her it oculd tunr out ok but chnaces are your relationship will change. good luck

Answer 12

I think she needs to know. Why did you hide this from her?  She should be told, and should HAVE been.  I'm an adoptive mom myself. My little boy is only 16 months old, but when we look through his special lifebooks and pictures we tell him even now that we love him very much and that his first mother loved him very much, she just wasn't ready to be a mommy because she was young. Hiding it from someone who is adopted makes them feel like their entire life has been a lie and that you have lied to them.

Sorry, but I think this is pretty lousy what happened here and as an adoptive parent myself I'm a bit appalled that someone who has adopted a child could think this was the appropriate thing to do.

She should have been not only told about her adoption, but she should have learned her adoption story- even if her first mother is now dead.  It's part of who she is as a person and part of her personal history. It's wrong to keep it from her. You're right though about one thing- she will probably be angry, hurt, mad and even confused as to why you hid this fact from her all these years. It's better she find out from you then someone else who let's it 'slip' or if she were to find something on her own.

Answer 13

alot of people say if i was adopted i would want to know but in my personal opinon i would not ever want to know if i was adopted

Answer 14

Eeeeshh.... that sounds pretty difficult, but I think your daughter has the right to know. I know you are trying to protect her by not telling her, but she's bound to find out sometime, so I say you should do it while you still have a good relationship, so she can't be mad at you for too long.

I hope I can help :D

Answer 15

Well, you should of told her that a long time ago. By waiting this long your almost 'perfect relationship' isnt gonna be so almost perfect...The longer you wait the worse

Answer 16

The longer you wait, the more upset she'll be that you did not tell her sooner.  You should tell her at some point, because it's something she needs to know even if just for the logistics of it (i.e. if something happens to her and she needs a transplant, etc.)