My 17 yr old is out of control. Any ADVICE?!?

Question

I have a 17 yr old daughter. She's adopted. She was put in foster care at the age of 12, and is now 17. I adopted her this year. She has severe autism, ADHD, and other medical problems.

Over the last couple of months she has gotten horrible! I have tried putting her in timeout. It doesn't work. I have taken stuff away, and that only makes her angrier. She has awful tantrums. I have tried telling her that her behavior isn't okay. Her behavioral therapist doesn't even know what to do any more. When my wife or I tell her to go to bed she starts having a tantrum. She will whine, cry, kick the wall, and scream. The only way she will sleep is if she's laying on her stomach. It's getting her to lay on her stomach that is the hard part. She will push us away and scream like we're doing something to her. Once a neighbor came over and asked us what we were doing to her. We had to show our neighbor that we weren't doing anything to her. Sometimes she will wander outside, and not even realize it. The simplest task with her turns into a battle. My wife said she thinks she should spank her. I don't know if that's the best idea. Any suggestions? Please!!

Answer 1

Please don't spank her.  With all of her medical problems, this will make the situation worse, perhaps because she won't relate the punishment to her behavior.  If her therapist is saying he/she can't help anymore, it's time to get a new therapist.  A health professional should help parents that have less expertise in this kind of situation.  Also, sometimes autistic children and adults do not fare well with change.  Has there been a lot of change in your household within the last couple of months, or at school?  That can really affect someone with autism.  It sounds like you are trying to offer this child a wonderful home.  You should really consider getting a new therapist that can offer you more behavioral strategies.

Answer 2

I think that will all these medical issues she, and your family, should be seeing a therapist AND a counselor.

Does she attend school? Maybe you can speak with the special education teacher and see if they have any recommendations.

Answer 3

One thing you're going to have to do is to keep those boundaries for behaviors extremely firm.  Don't give in to the tantrums, whining and misbehaviors.  She's figured out that causing a scene will make you back off.  Don't back off.  

Answer 4

WOW. This question is too serious for a board like this. 1) you need a new behavioral therapist who specializes in autism PRONTO. 2) you need to find an autism support group to answer your questions.

Answer 5

OK......your behavioral therapist doesn't know what to do anymore so you come on Y/A for help? Doesn't that seem like a bit of a stretch to you? Have you ever read any of the advice some of these parent dish out? While there are many, many great parents on here who truly think with their brains, there are far too many who do not have brains to think with. Sorry.

Answer 6

Do not spank her an autistic child will remember it. Have you made any changes to your family live or way of living? She must be going through a lot right now. Take her to a doctor and see what the say. They might giver her something to calm her down. She could be trying to tell you something and doesn't know how to tell you so she freaks out because that is the only way to get attention. Set up a baby monitor in her room and just put her in her bed and put a hook and eye on the outside of the door so you can hear her and open the door just enough to see her. When she freaks out or has a tantrum give her her space and move stuff in her way that might cause her to get hurt. Don't go to sleep before she is asleep. Maybe she had a dream that scared her and is afraid to sleep alone. Get her a nightlight in her room. Try sitting with her until she falls asleep and ask her if she wants her back to be rubbed. Autistic children want their space and don't like someone invading it without first asking. She might also be bored. Have you tried getting her new games or stuff she can occupy herself with and include you both in with her. They live on the attention that they get. In her case she needs more because she has been bounced from place to place. Take her out to do something that you think she will like to do. Such as for walks. Don't give up on her she needs you guys right now. Hope I could help!

Answer 7

Spanking, time-out and taking stuff away is rarely effective with autistic individuals. They don't always see the connection between the behavior and the punishment and just perceive it as their parents being bad to them. Using some kind of a reward system is usually more effective and you need lots and lots of patience.

There are many things that could be triggering those tantrums.

- Did something change in her life a couple of months ago? Changes are difficult for autistic individuals and must always be prepared well in advance.

- Does she have a routine? Autistics need things to be as routine and organized as possible and breaking the routine or something unexpected happening can be upsetting.

- Does she have some sensory issues? Is it possible that her environment is overwhelming her senses in some way? Too bright lights, certain noises, too strong smells etc. If she does have sensory issues then things that you find normal can feel really uncomfortable or even painful for her, because she senses it much stronger than you. Many autistic individuals find it soothing to feel pressure on their body, so maybe getting her a heavy blanket to lie under or something like that could be helpful.

- Is she non-verbal? Is she able to communicate in some way? Can it be that her tantrums are due to frustration with not being able to express her wants and needs? If she doesn't talk, you might want to look into all of you learning signs or getting her some communication device. If she is able to communicate, you could try asking her what's wrong and what you can do to make her feel better.

- Has her diet changed in the past couple of months? Some autistics have problems with certain foods and don't feel good after eating it, so there may be some types of food that you need to avoid giving her.

Those are some things that come to mind that you might want to think about and check out if could be among the causes of her tantrums.

Since her behavioral therapist has given up and doesn't know what to do anymore you need to look into finding another therapist for her and you need to find one who specializes in autism.

Good luck!

Answer 8

I am sorry but i have to agree with one of the answers that is already posted.

You came to Y!A for advice, because your behavioral therapist does not know what to do any longer?!

You need to get a new therapist. ASAP.

You mentioned that she has medical problems, and she is adopted, so that would lead me to believe that there is more than just an out of control teenager. You need to understand that while you are getting frustrated and reaching the end, she may also be rebelling; not because she is out of control or hates you and wants to make your life difficult, but rather perhaps she just does not understand what is going on in her life.

You mentioned that she has autism. I don't know how severe it is, but in my work with autistic kids I have foudn that eliminating dairy from their diet and flour and and keeping it just to soy and wheat REALLY improves the symptoms of autism. For just this reason alone, I think you need to seek better medical advice.

Furthermore, you mentioned that she is adopted, I am sure that you do everything in the world for her, but I think you need to think about her feelings and how difficult it must be for her to even sort through them much less yourself.

The worst child I have ever worked with made the best break through through just a simple hug. He was kicking and screaming and completly out of control, when I wraped him up in my arms and told him everything woudl be ok and jsut did not let go. Progress was slow, but that was the turning point.

You need to seek better medical attention, I can not stress this to you enough.