My 9 year old daughter and her best friend of 4 years are fighting because of a third friend. Please help!?

Question

I am very good friends with her mother also, so we do a lot of stuff together. I have seen my daughters friend in action. She is the "alpha" friend I would say. Her mom and I got into it today because she says her daughter doesn't like how my daughter treats her other friend. This is coming from a girl who bosses everyone around including my friend (the mom). Her daughter calls the shots. She is nine and my friend doesn't think her daughter can do any wrong! She says her daughter is the first one to invite others to play with her and if they don't play with her then it is their own problem. She doesn't feel bad about anything. Very scary at such a young age. I don't want to ruin my friendship, but I can't stand watching this and our kids are in a very small school. Please don't give me one liner answers just to get more points. I really want some exercises we can do to work through this.

Answer 1

Well how exactly does your daughter treat the other child ?

Answer 2

I went through this a couple of years ago.    It's absolutely heart wrenching.      

As a general rule, 3 best friends NEVER work.    2 friends are always getting along when they are being mean to the 3rd friend.      Your daughter is probably suffering the most because the girl with the weight issues tries to please the alpha friend so that she doesn't get on the hit list.    

My daughter was in the same position as your daughter--my daughter was strong willed and wouldn't tie the leader's shoe lace and silly stuff like that.    Anyway she suffered the brunt of the abuse.       The other girl was really sweet when the leader was home sick or not around.  

I told my daughter that "Toni" was behaving that way because she had poor self esteem and treating her badly was the only way that she could feel good about herself.     I told my daughter that no matter what Toni said or did, she should try her hardest to not let Toni see her cry or become upset because that would only make it worse.  

Maybe invite the 3rd friend over for a slumber party and other outings.    It's kind of under handed but, if your daughter makes better friends with the 3rd girl, then the 3rd girl won't be as likely to turn on your daughter because they've developed a deeper friendship.     This might help solve some of the problem.      If no one is going along with the alpha friend then she mellow some.

I think that you should encourage other friendships.     Have your daughter pick another girl, invite her over for a slumber party.   Help your daughter develop some new friendships.      Let her know that  she and her friend just need to take a break from each other at this point.      Let her know that the harder she tries, the meaner her friend will be.      Let her know that true friends don't boss other around and they care about each other's feelings and she's not acting like a true friend.  

I think that you should discreetly talk to the teacher about your concerns so that she can monitor the situation and intervene if necessary.    If the teacher knows there's a problem, I would almost guarantee that she will be more than willing to help you with her observations and some suggestions.    

Try showing up a lunch time and having lunch with your daughter.    The friend might not be so likely to be mean if there's an adult present.  

For next school year, try requesting that you child be placed in a different classroom than this girl.  

For the summer months, try to involve your daughter in some summer activities so that she will have a chance to make some new friends.    

I think that you are wasting your breath on the mom.    She has raised her daughter to be what she is and obviously doesn't think that it's a problem.       Be polite and sociable, but I wouldn't even try to discuss the daughters.     She will never admit that she's wrong or that her daughter is less than perfect.  

Good luck.    It gets worse.

Answer 3

I think you and her Mom need to stay out of it.

You're acting like they are it sounds like.

I remember I had this friend in 3rd grade and we got in a fight. And I didn't want to be friends with him anymore but our Mom's were friends. So they tried to make it work out and they made us be friends when we didn't like each other. Then she stayed out of it and we weren't friends anymore and we were both happy because we couldn't stand each other.

If its been going on for a year then they obviously probably don't want to be friends.

Stay out of it. Yes, she might lose a friend. But she doesn't sound like a real friend anyone.

Let her choose her own friends unless they're dangerous or something.

Answer 4

I'm sorry this is happening to your child.

Friendships are not forever.  People grow and change, and the types of relationships they have change as well.

If this friendship is hurting your child....it is time for her to move on.  

Of course, you cannot force her to give up this friend.  You can, however, explain friendship changes to her, suggest she move on, and refuse to listen to complaints about the other child.

It would also help tremendously if you would view the other child as someone who just isn't right for your daughter at this time, rather than seeing her with such a critical eye.

Answer 5

With kids this young they will fight today and swear they are never going to play with eachother again. The next day they don't even rember they were fighting. I wouldn't worry about it to much. Let them work it out on their own.

Answer 6

I have this happening too but with my son. The difference is he can see what this "friend" is like and has decided to stop hanging around with him. You need to find another girl that is nice and encourage the friendship. Get her to bring her home once a week. Rather than discourage the other friendship find a better friend for her and let her realise that real friends treat you better than this girl.

This boy my son has trouble with is the same, her baby can do no wrong and NEVER lies. He is one of the biggest liars going and tells him mum all this stuff my son does to him. She told me my son pushed hers down. I asked my son later later what happened. He told me this boy called him a loser and pushed him to the ground so he got up and pushed him back. Weirdly the other boy forgot to tell his mum that part.

Answer 7

These are the times you need to let the kids work it out on their own. It will happen again as well. As long as they are not getting physical or really mean, stay out of it. Of course talk to your daughter and help her but you and your friend needs to let the girls work it out themselves. If you friend say things that bug you just tell her that you do not want to discuss it, if she carries on get off the phone. They are too old for you two to be stepping in and acting like the 3 of them are. It is one of the hardest things I have done as a parent is to let them work it out on their own, but she saw the girls for who they really were and I was there to comfort her every step of the way, but I did not get involved.

I just read your edit and if the girl threw your present like that I would just tell my daughter they can no longer be friends, because it sounds like your daughter will continue to take this abuse. She may be mad for a while but she will get over and quit getting walked on by this girl. And I would have definitely said something to the friend (the mother your friend) over the present in the snow thing as well. She may be your friend but your daughter comes first, period. And if the mother sees nothing wrong with her actions it is only going to get worse.

Answer 8

Girls that age do fight a lot - and generally I'd agree that it is best to let them solve it themselves.  I think the way she treated your daughter with the gift was over the line though and her mother should realize it.  If this is happening in school you should talk to the teacher and get her input.  After that the best you can do is support your daughter as you have been.  Talk to her about needing to learn to stand up for herself and how someone who acts that way isn't a friend.  I wish I had a better answer for you, but this is something she'll have to learn to handle on her own.  As for your own friendship I think taking a break from that as well wouldn't be a bad idea as well.  Your daughter has to come first.