My 9 yr. old daughter just called and said her step mom said she could dye her hair!?

Question

I have primary custody of my 9 yr. old daughter. She is staying with her dad right now and just called to ask if she could color her hair and get bangs. (She spent forever growing them out, her choice). I told her probably not on the hair color and she said her step mom said it would be okay. Her step mom hates me, and I'm sure is doing this just to get back at me for making them pay med expenses and pay for a sitter while they have the kids (she wanted her 12 yr. old daughter to watch all 5 of their kids). They are white trash. I cannot talk to my ex as he is mad at me as well. My only recourse (that I can think of right now) is to tell him that if she dyes her hair while she's there, I will start billing them for the kids' counseling (which I've paid for on my own, because I make more than my ex). I could also threaten him with filing a judgement against him for not paying debts he was ordered to in the divorce. I need options! Help!

Answer 1

It's her hair, let her make the choice. Hair dye is not permanent nor is it harmful in moderation, so what's the problem?

Answer 2

i would definitely threaten him w/ those things if he lets her stepmom dye her hair! she is your daughter and you have primary custody! the stepmom has no right! you are her mother!

Answer 3

You have a right to be mad. But I'm not answering your question because I'm offended, white trash? Thanks.

Answer 4

When my parents separated I really wish they would keep us kids out of their mess and arguments.  Really has affected my brother and I.  Using kids against one another too is horrible.

Threatening with billing them for the kids counseling?...I mean oh no it may be expensive but your kids mental health is more important than a fight over stupid hair dye.  It sounds you are using this small incident to make way for bigger ones.

Talk to your daughter and tell her how you feel.  She may be only young but I'm sure she understands when her mother is upset.  Threatening doesn't get you anywhere in separations/divorce.  I wouldn't let her get the bangs because of the time it took to grow them out and how you change your mind heaps when you are young :)..Just explain to her why you don't want her getting them.  Ask her why she really wants them too?

Answer 5

Reality check here.  You're talking about threatening your ex because his new wife is going to allow your daughter to dye her hair?  Do you really think that this will strengthen the communication between you and your ex?  Or lessen the burden your daughter already has because she is stuck in the middle?  

Grow up and stop trying for retaliation.  If you want to retaliate, why not try to be the adult in this situation?  And you call them trash but here you are talking about getting revenge over your daughter's hair?  It's only her hair, the color will come out eventually.  Wake up, you need to realize just how ridiculous you're sounding.

Answer 6

First, you need to be a little less offensive. What was the need to use the term "white trash" anyhow?

Second, i would personally go over there and collect my daughter. The step mom has no say on what happens to your daughter. She does not have the right to give her permission to dye her hair.

If going over there and getting her is out of the question, then threaten him with those options.

Answer 7

While she may be putting ideas into your child's head, she did make her call you to ask first.  Remember that.  She could have just done it without asking permission.

Answer 8

You should have an agreement with you ex on what your child child can and can't do.  And the step mother shouldn't be the one to make decisions on that level.  The step mother probably told her that to p**s you off.

Answer 9

yeh you are right. how are she! she is only the step mom she has NO say in what those kids do! that was so wrong of her on every level! i say definatley threaten her with those things and when your daughter comes home, tell her that YOU are her mother not the step mom and any decisions like that will be YOUR choice and NOT the step moms! say that dying her hair will not only damage it but it is not for children.

watta b*tch!! i had a step mom like that. i ended up hating her and she hated me because she wanted me to start wearing g-strings at 13 and wear S****y clothes and i didnt want to. Other **** as well..stupid s**t. but yeh you need to tell your daughter what is and isnt acceptable.

btw.. were not all white trash! :)

Answer 10

my mother use to go through the same thing with my step mom she was CRAZY . and would always put my mother down and do things to make use not like her and try to get my nails done and hair dyed all kinds of things . first thing u need to not let ur x's wife know it bothers u because they get pleasure out of seeing u get all upset . and then u need to stand ur ground .. i dont think hair places let young girls die there hair or when i was younger they didnt unless they has started there period or something . but i would let them know i was serious rather its billing them or take him back to court

Answer 11

When it comes to a child that has yet to go through puberty dying their hair can damage it way worse than that of an older child(15 or 16) they still have 'baby hair". Another thing is they would be altering her looks and if something god forbid were to happen to her you would not have an up to date picture of the child to give to the police. I would stress that he not do this. She is too young to decide if she should change the color of her hair.

Answer 12

She should NOT do it. You have primary custody and you have the final say so in what goes on with your daughter. The step mom should no this and no matter who well you get along, she should respect your decision. As for them having to pay for a sitter, life's a b*tch. If they want to go out, get a sitter. A 12 yr cannot handle 4 other kids. Someone older than 15 needs to be there. If he isn't paying what he is suppose to be paying on the debts, small claims court is your best option or civil court. As long as he is paying his child support, the judge will not mess with the other items. If he is behind, include it with the violation of the decree.

Answer 13

It's just hair, jeez. It grows out, it washes out, it CUTS out.

Let her dye it now, so it doesn't become a power struggle when she's a teen.

Answer 14

the bangs I would say no, especailly if she jsut spent alot of time growing them out, if you want her to have bangs, then you would want ot take her so you can agree on what you both like.  As for the hair color, I would have to say it depends on what color and if it is the kind that washes out in a few weeks.  From the sounds of it, it seems like the stepmother would be ok with green or blue or pink or something, and thats prolly not how you want your daughter to look.  If it is like blonde if she is brunette, or vice versa, I would say if it is the kind that washes out in 2-3 weeks-let her, but if they are planning on going somewhere to do it or stuff that is permanent, I'd say no b/c that takes a lot longer to grow out.  You have the right to tell the step mother to leave your daughters hair alone, or tell your daughter the 2 of you need to discuss this more before she does anything, and if you can come up with an agreement, maybe she can get her hair done at a later date. if no agreement can be made-ask her if she would rather a perm or highlights or layers or something before school starts---that way it will look nice and she will still kind of get something she wants, maybe even throw in going to get ur nails done together--make it sound like you 2 can do something even more fun for her hair later on.

Answer 15

First discipline your daughter if she dyes her hair. You told her no and no matter what her dad says you have already told her no. You need to some how have a normal conversation your her dad and set some ground rules at each house. You need to make decisions together. Trying to punish her dad is not the answer, because it's your daughter who is trying to play the 2 of you off of each other. You have set down a rule for your daughter and you need to follow through with discipline if she disobeys you.

Answer 16

A 9 year old should not dye their hair. The fact that you have primary custody she mean that you are the parent who makes decisions for her including her hair, clothes, makeup, bangs, etc....

I dont know what else to say except I think I would tell her (stepmom) to f@*ck off and have her own daughter. She is probably trying to be the Good mom. If you know what I mean. To whoever said just let her do it. Are you crazy 9 years old and already starting to let them make decisions will not turn out good in the long run, ever!!!

Then again, tell your daughter you will take her to dye her hair, this will bother the step mom more in the long run. Because you flipped it over on them.

Answer 17

Get over it. Getting all worked up about this is only going to show them they are upsetting you. How about trying to be an adult for once and talk to your child's dad about how his wife should mind her own p's and q's since she has no say in your child's life regarding issues such as this. Also, make it clear to your daughter that just because her "step-mom" says something is OK, doesn't mean it is. Only you have the final say. If her dad really wants to be a part of his daughter's life, he will shape up. Otherwise, in my opinion, he can ship out.

Answer 18

I think that if it makes her happy you should just let her dye her hair.

It's only hair, it's temporary, and she's already been through so much.

Just my opinion, though.

Answer 19

Dont tell your daughter about your white trash theory. It will confuse her. No from you should mean no. Somehow you need to achieve some mutual respect with this woman for your kids sake. Calling her white trash (which is racist by the way) is not getting you any closer to mutual respect.

Answer 20

if your daughhterr is stuck in the middle of this let her do what she wants. who cares if they hate youuu its her choice. if they start yelling at youu just say "it was what she wanted, everything she has been through i think she deserves to express herself."

Answer 21

it's just hair.