My *Adopted* Son Is Having Nightmares....???

Question

We have been granted 12 months Guardianship of our Godson (4yo), after that we may proceed with our adoption of him.

My little boy has been threw so much in his life, and basically of a night we hear his pain in his dreams. He doesn't wake up, but will scream the house down, numerous times.

He has started talking of a few things, with us & his counsellor. His biggest fear is going back to his parents. We reassure him daily, at least 5 times daily that he will never have to go back. It just isn't sinking in.

For the most parts he is happy, he started Pre-Kinder a couple of weeks ago, and loves it. He loves our other son's, and us.

I just don't know how to tell him, that he will never have to go back.

Does anyone have any advice??

Please no nasty comments.

Answer 1

You're already in counseling, so you've begun the healing process.  Just continue reminding him daily that you love him and you want him to be yours forever...this (even more than having to return to his previous guardians) will help get him established as a part of your family and give him a solid foundation to grow from.  Eventually his fears will begin to soothe.  Try watching what he is eating/drinking before bed...this often contributes to nightmares and night terrors in children of that age.

Answer 2

Jennifer is completely right.  As an abuse survivor, it wasn't until i felt loved and safe that i could revisit my past emotions and work through them.  You are doing a wonderful job.  You are making a big difference.  Your son does feel loved and secure or he wouldn't feel safe enough to work thru his pain.  You are doing awesome.  Just keep up the love, reassurance and hugs.  Lots and lots of hugs:)

Answer 3

Tell him that you will do the best you can to protect him.

Does he have a special toy or blanket that comforts him? or you could give him a gift like a watch and tell him that as long he's got the gift you gave him he's protected.

All you can do is comfort him and let him know you are there for him.

Answer 4

Poor baby :-(

Josh goes through this nearly every time the kids have access with their parents.  It's hard, but it's good that he's talking to you about it.  Even though it seems like you can't do much, a big part of his 'therapy' is having you listen, validate his feelings and offer him reassurance.

Just keep reassuring him as much as you can, and let him get his feelings out.  If he's scared of going back to his parents, you could try giving him a special soft toy or teddy bear you can look after him while he's living with you.  Teddy won't let anything bad happen to him.

Otherwise it's time and healing.  It's so sad, I hope he picks up soon.

x*x

Answer 5

Just continue to give him love, support, and consistancy.  It will take time.  He's been though a lot for a child so young.  He has to learn to trust, after being hurt.  It will take time.

You may want to talk to him about what it is he is dreaming.

And then also recommend as he is in school to see a counselor, so he can talk, and get advice, and such, from a person that is not biased in any way.

Just don't lie to him, and say things that you can't be sure of.  This will hurt him.  The scars will always be there, but eventually the pain will leave.

Answer 6

Stick with the counseling.

Depending on what the parents did to him he may need a lot of "de-programming". But your love is stronger than whatever evils they did to him. So just keep re-assuring him. He may believe you when you tell him he's not going back. But the damage they did is in his subconscious, ans it may haunt him in his dreams for many years to come. The fact that he is so young can be both good and bad. You can help reverse the damage by getting him at such an early age. But sometimes damage done so young can never be erased.

I reiterate, stay with the counseling for as long as possible, even for years to come, it may seem like he does not need counseling anymore, at some point, but he probably still will.

Answer 7

Hi there.

While night terrors aren't unusual in children about your son's age, this sounds more like a PTSD issue.  And if he's that afraid to go back to his biological parents, it probably is.

I think your reassurance IS kicking in for him.  When children have suffered trauma over a long time, sometimes it isn't until after the children are in a safe place and start to feel secure about their safety, that the fears and anxieties of the past start creeping to the surface.  It's like he's safe enough to allow himself to actually experience the emotions that went on when the trauma was occurring.  

I would keep with the counseling.  If your counselor doesn't do it already, look into play therapy for his age.  Play therapy helps children express quite a bit, in a realm (toys, dolls, costumes) where they are comfortable.

Keep doing what you're doing!  Be attentive to him; he may not always be able to tell you what he wants.  

Good job, Mom!

Answer 8

He is still a little kid he is worried about returning to a bad life.  Continue to reassure him, at night keep a small nightlight on in his room, ask him what would make him safer? He may have some good ideas that you could do like looking under the bed or closing the closet door.  Soon it won't be like this but until he is totally comfortable the nightmares will happen.

Answer 9

It happened to be coincidence, but a friend of mine had been through a similar situation with a foster child they adopted.  When the adoption was over, they ended up moving closer to her mother's house, therefore the child could be nearer to grandparents, and the school system was a lot better as well as he got a promotion within his company.  

By moving, it seemed to solidify the fact that he wasn't going back.  He'd seen his first parents in the house they lived in, and he knew that they knew where it was.  When they moved, his nighmares ended immediately.  It took the parents some time to figure out what it was.

Answer 10

The most formative years in a child's life is between birth and 5. If he has had a lot of family problems and been let down a lot then he will have trust issues. I don't think it isn't sinking in about being able to stay with you forever, but if you are constantly let down you never fully believe that things will come to pass. He also might be happy about pre-kinder, but sometimes issues come up in sleep and it is another change he has to endure, but it will pass, I think just being consistent with this little boy will be the best medicine. He is going to have to see for himself that he never has to go back....nobody can tell him that, probably because lots of "other" things have never happened like he was led to believe.

This is so sad that a child of 5 has no faith in anyone.

Answer 11

Much love and respect to you darl...is not an easy path you have chosen...

Your little boys fears will eventually subside, given time...it is actions that will speak louder than words, as I'm sure he has been told many things in his young life already, that a 4 year old should never have to hear...

To survive abuse and come out the other side whole is difficult at the best of times and trust is always going to be the biggest issue with him...he hears what you are saying, but things have been said to him before...

Over time he realise that you arent going to send him back, and he will realise that you love him and its with that love that you will gain his trust...

All you can do is love him

In the end love is the only thing that matters

Because at the end of it all, Love is the only thing that will heal him...

Answer 12

I think this is common if the child was abused or neglected. My son used to  have the worst nightmares and he would make the movements of fighting someone. (pushing, kicking, hitting) When he had these nightmares, My husband or I would wake him up, hold him and talk to him in soothing tones until he fell back to sleep.

Keep up with the counseling also...Counseling is still helping our family.

I am glad to see the home study came out OK. I remember your question because of the chaos when the worker came to complete it.

Answer 13

It will sink in.  It took us almost a year of trying to convince our son that when we took out a "bag to pack up toys" to go to Grandma's / Uncle's or whoevers house, that we weren't packing because he was moving again!  His fears are very real, but with a good therapist he will start to understand that he isn't going anywhere...good luck