My Attempt At A Poem?

Question

And was wondering what you guys thought of it:

Beauty

Beyond such grace as I've never seen,

Ensuing with such passion once lost, overdue.

Alas, it feels so close yet so far,

Undiscovered and unknown; this emotional bayou

That seems indescribable as an enigma,

Yet feels so far beyond blissful.

It was inspired by a person I had feelings for at the time. It has an odd structure, reason being is it's holds two acronyms; "Beauty" on the left side, from top to bottom, and the name of the person who inspired this poem on the right side, from bottom to top.

I think this is my first attempt at writing serious poetry (at least as far as I can remember). I already submitted it to poetry.com and got it copyrighted, which is great and all, but I was curious as to what other people and poets thought of it.

So, what do you guys think? Yay or Nay?

Answer 1

Its alright....

I just dont like the topic though, thats all.

This is my poem, yours is most likely better... tough.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 2

It feels a bit forced, for example the 'alas' is an unnecessary us of an archaic word, as if you thought that is what poetry should look like rather than going for honest emotion.

'indescribable as an enigma' is a weak metaphor and doesn't read well.

What is the meaning of 'ensuing with such passion once lost, overdue?' I don't understand the meaning behind those words. Remember, poetry is more than just writing flowery, pretty words.

Answer 3

Yay.. itz good (Y) good work  

Answer 4

I think it's excellent great word  choice and it flowed like a poem should.

But.....I write poetry myself and what drew attention is that the average reader would not get what you mean because of following:

This poem is based on every single word,every word is loaded with emotions.

The average reader doesnt read it more than twice and most people never get the real sence of it because it's more complex than just reading it as a whole,every line is a poem itself,that is what is complicated with your style of writting.

As for me I liked it 9/10.

P.S do you like mine?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 5

Great job, you should really submit it to http://www.papertank.com and see what they think!

I bet you could get a high rating for it on there!