My Best Friend's Expensive Destination Wedding

Question

My best friend is planning on getting married 2 years from now: Spring 2010. The huge problem is that I am in law school and at that time, it would be my last semester. The other problem is that she is from Dubai and plans to have her wedding there.

This was all dandy until i finally thought realistically and thought, how the h**l am I gonna pay for this....not to mention it;s in the middle of school (so i will be missing out on a week's class in law school). I asked if she could do it in fall 2010 b/c i will be done by then and would have a job but she's still most likely planning to have it in spring.

The more and more I think about, the more I fear that i won't be able to go. The tragic part is that I will be one of her bridesmaid and we've been best friends for 12 years. it is clearly unthinkable for me not to go. I thought about getting a job part time but it will have to be on the weekends as I most likely will have classes throughout the week. But then that take's out a huge and important time to study and in law school, you have like 100 pages to read a night.

Not to mention that another best friend of ours is planning to have his wedding the fall of 2009 in LA (I live in NY). so that's about 6 months apart from the other one and once again during my school time. This all means that I have to save thousands of dollars to fly and stay at out of town/ out of country places to attend my friends' wedding on NO salary or at best on a part time salary.

I have to honestly say i have a little resentment that they don't care to consider this at all. when i voiced my concern, all i got was that i should save up for it esp since i have such a long time notice. The notice doesn't matter when you won't be making $ for the next 2 years. I'm almost having a panic attak because I fear that I can't make my friend's wedding in Dubai (the one in LA is doable). I am seriously dreaming about playing and winning the lotto.... What to do????

Answer 1

If you plan a wedding far away you have to take into account that people can't make it. You then have two options; accept it or pay for their ticket.

I am opting for the second one for one of my best friends She can't afford it and so I am paying the ticket. I want her there. end of story.

Other friends and relatives from far away (literally all around the world except Africa) are invited and if they do not come I accept that.

So don't fret. Tell her your are honoured to have been invited as a bridesmaid but that you sadly have to decline for monetary and study reasons. If she is a true friend she will accept it.

Answer 2

Don't go.  

Answer 3

Don't do it.

Politely decline your friend and explain that while you are honoured to be invited and be considered as a bridesmaid unfortunately the fiscal and scheduling of her special day could ruin your career and entire life.

Normally weddings are located -- and scheduled -- for the convenience of most invited guests to attend. This will almost always mean someone cannot attend in person; but they may in spirit through their  best wishes.

If she is a true best friend, she must realise after 12 years what is important to YOU.

To make the request of you as she has, then dismissively tell you to save AND tell you you have plenty of time suggests she is entirely too self-centered for your continued friendship.

In view of your life plans, it seems unlikely that you are planning to be married (if you aren't already) in the near future. Past personal experience and numerous observations of others shows that within 18 months of wedding, the married couple re-aligned their social lives with other marrieds and forsake their single friends.

To grossly inconvenience yourself and lose the friendship anyway seems futile. This may well happen if the wedding locale is chosen to be the married life location.

Perhaps it may be wiser to start closing the chapter on this/these friendship/s now.

There are further fiscal and scheduling considerations.

In many cultures the bridesmaid is expected to arrange the creation of -- and pay for -- the bridesmaid dress herself. This uniform can cost several hundred to a few thousand dollars to be worn once (usually never again) and has no resale value.

Together with dress fittings and wedding co-ordination, there can be a myriad of other duties like arranging guest lists, wedding showers, hens parties and social director duties. These consume much time whilst the bride is either slothful or rides rough-shod over others lives.

The awarding of bridesmaid honour can be a poisoned chalice or White Elephant to accept.

For your own sake -- and that of your life's future -- consider VERY carefully before irrevocabley committing to an obligation that could impose time and financial constraints for many years post the actual event/s.

Answer 4

Of course you want to be there but if it's not possible then it's just not possible. It's just a wedding.

Considering she's from Dubai, she probably has loads of family there and realistically she can't change dates for everyone's specific concerns or problems.

They want to get married and have every right to pick the date they like. Of course this is upsetting for you but to waste alot of money to go there for a party is ridiculous.

Just save up if you can (you'd be surprised how much you can save by just eating differently or bringing lunch) and if you can't make it then you just can't and everyone will have to understand.

All the best.

Answer 5

don't worry til the date gets closer

Answer 6

It's 2008.. you have 2 years to save and plan for this.

My guess is that YOU DO NOT want to go and you are simpky justifying the decision 2 years before the event.

Not only that, but you had the nerve the ask the bride to move her wedding date??

WOW you need some lessons on tact and etiquette. If you can predict the future and nko wthat yuo can't go, then tell her NOW and do not wai for the very last minute.

Good luck

Answer 7

For the bride it's not a destination wedding, it's a home town one, but for all of her guests who live outside Dubai, it is a destination wedding.

She should understand that if it's out of your means, it's out of your means, especially since it cuts into your schooling-which must come first for you because it's your future, her wedding is not your future..... and as your point out saving for two years when you are making nothing to save is just two years of saving nothing.

be honest-tell her any monies you have must go to law shool & your living expenses.....a part time job will take away valuable study time and your preformance academically will suffer greatly...and so will the investment in your future life...attending or missing her wedding will affect your future....compromising your studies will. Then gracefuly bow out of the wedding and tell her it's just not possible for you to attend-if she's a good friend she will understand...if she thinks her wedding is more important than anything else in anybody's life, she won't.

As far as the Ca wedding-how is that doable? You have the same problems with money & school, just not as costly....and if I were you I'd not attend that one either...here again a true friend will understand that your future is yours, not attending the weddings will not make or break their marriages, but missing school and dipping into tuition funds will for you...sad but that's life. If you do attend it wil also look like playing favorites, and the declining of the Dubai wedding was all drivel (well, you went to so-and so's, didn;t you? You managed to find the time and eat up the expense for his wedding, why not mine) so,Time for all to be adults and suck it up. Good luck.

Answer 8

Hi.  As I read this, there really is no problem.  It's unfortunate, but you simply cannot go (to the Dubai one anyway).  I can understand if she is from that country and wants to go home to that country for her wedding, but it is not feasible for you to go.

I hope that this will NOT end your friendship.  Sometimes brides get so caught up in their weddings that they fail to see how anyone could miss "their special day."  Blah!  You have legitimate reasons (financial and school) to not go.  Perhaps try (if possible) to do something special with your friend before her wedding.  And, it doesn't need to be expensive.  Have her over for lunch and get her a gift that you can afford.  That is it.  

When a bride has a destination wedding (even if this is her home country), she CANNOT expect others to drop everything (school), and run off and spend thousands of dollars to witness this event.  Unfortunately, many brides fail to see the logic of this.  Don't let her tell you that you have "two years to save up."  Poo on that.  You are going to have to admit it to yourself, but it IS unthinkable not to go....you simply can't afford it.

Please don't stress about this.  It is simply not possible so let her know NOW that you cannot do it.  I mean really......Dubai?  

The LA one might be possible, but again, if you cannot afford that one either...then don't go.  Who knows what the airfare will be in 2010 from NY to LA....quite a bit I would assume.

So....concentrate on school....not on saving for a friend's destination wedding.  You could try to the Lotto....but I have been trying to win for that for years!!!  No luck.  Although I did win 20 bucks once!  Ha.

Answer 9

Either you start saving or you can't go.

I also have a destination wedding (in another country) in 2010 which I am a bridesmaid. I wish my friend would have her wedding in a closer location but the thing is it's her wedding so she can have it where ever she likes.

I am also in Law School. It's not impossible to work and study. I do it and I am planning (and paying for) my own wedding early next year.

Get a part time job and start saving now if you want to stand beside your friend on her special day.

Answer 10

If I were in your situation I would not go to the wedding.  If your friend is a good friend, she should understand your situation and not give you a hard time about it.  I would never think to pressure my friend to save up money and miss school.  Doing poorly in school would really mess up your career.  I would never want that for my friend.  If your friend really wants you there, she needs to change her wedding date.  Please be firm- and do not give in- your friend is very selfish if she still continues to encourage you to come, knowing how difficult it would be for you.  

Answer 11

Hello.  You don't have to go to LA or Dubai . . . . and I think it is unreasonable of your friends to expect it.

If your being present at the wedding was truly important to them they would

1.  Have the wedding locally.

or

2.  Pay for your travel and hotel expenses.

So . . . politely decline.  Tell both friends that you will be unable to attend their weddings.  When the time comes, send each friend a card and a nice wedding gift.  Then let this go.  Relax.  Concentrate on law school.  Concentrate on law school.  Concentrate on law school.  And yes, I wrote that three times cos that is what is most important here!

When people have destination weddings, they have to expect that some guests will decline.  It simply is not possible for everyone to attend . . . and would be rude for bride and groom to expect it!  So decline to attend both.  Take care of yourself, and concentrate on law school.  If you lose a friendship over this, then it was not a real friendship . . . and so, no great loss.  A real friend would understand.

Answer 12

Youll get over it if you miss her wedding. If she is a true friend, she will understand that its too much stress and money on you to be there. Let her know in the best way possible, that it just cant work for you because of your schooling. education is extrememly important, dont forget it :)

Answer 13

That is the thing about destination weddings. Each couple must cater to the guests and realize that not everyone is going to be able to attend. It is a weird thing to me for couples to think everyone feels their day is so special that they should drop everything and jet off to a foreign locale for tons of money just to be a witness to it. My sister was planning a destination wedding until she looked into the costs and realized it is simply too high a cost to pay for many of the guests. It is highly unreasonable and you should not feel guilty not attending. You have an education and a career to think about and cannot jeopardize this because your friend is being selfish and unrealistic. If your friend gets mad that is simply her problem. In most cases, couples will have a destination wedding and an event that is local to cater to the persons who could not attend out of town. Look out for yourself and do not attend. You cannot afford it and also do not need the added stress.