My Boyfriend recently entered Detox and Treatment How do i Cope..?

Question

About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend entered a detox unit in Northern California where he will be undergoing treatment also for 30 days.He was addicted to using oxycodone and when he tried to come off that he was given methodone and for the past year has been taking this every day along with other pills here and there. About 2 weeks ago he really hit rock bottom and everything really went wrong. We checked him into the hospital where he resided for a week helping his family as well as me get our bearings together and bough us a little time so we could find a facility to put him in. He is 23 years old and willingly agreed to undergo treatment is he went away. We found a great facility in California and his sister and i actually flew him in to drop him off to start the process. I have been with him now for 2 years and our relationship as been great. he is an amazing person and im so afraid of losing him. Im scaird to be without him and these past 2 weeks have been compete torture for me being that i cant speak to him directly while he is in detox.I am recieveing updates here and there form his family when they speak with the ocunselor but its not enough. This i sall i thinka botu day in and day out and i just want to know that when he comes out he will need me more than ever before becasue i want to be there to support him any way i possibly can. I love him and care about him so so much and can possibly see my life without him in it and before he went in he made sure to tell me how much he loved me and thanked me for everything i had done and he understand why this was all done now but when someone is away from you for so long after being with them all the time your mind starts to play tricks on you and you start thinking about things you never have.I keep doubting our relationship, im scaird that when he comes back he may not want this and i dont knwo why all these thouhgs are running though my mind. I guess becasue i have no contact with him im thinking of the worst possible scenarios.I Know he has to focus on him right now and im so happy and proud of him but i just hope he knows how much i have done for him and will continue to do...

His detox is hitting its 2 week mark and he will start treatment this week.Being that i am a plane ride away from him voisting is going to be a little bit of a challege. I was told that he is allowed visitors every sunday and i was thinking of visiting him the first sunday of his rehab...

I have been writing letters constantly also. Im going back to school in the fall which is why i though it would be a good idea to go now because i dont know if its going to be a possibility if i wait.

Please give me some imput on this or advice.Also if anyone has been through this or has had an addiction themselves please comment.

Thanks...

Answer 1

I think the best way to cope is to be extremely grateful that he is there and is trying to help himself.  Right now, that's what is important, more so than visiting or worrying about your relationship, cause if he wasn't there, he eventually won't be capable of having one.  Remember that addiction kills, and be patient and supportive.  Let him know you're proud of him.  This will be the hardest thing HE will ever go through.  

Answer 2

its a hard thing to say but if he gets off and stays off then great stay and be happy ... but if he goes back to his old habits get out before you  end up stuck with kids hung .. believe me its no fun  to watch the man you love destroy themselves and they do ..i  ended up with 5 kids 15...1/2 years and perpetually skint finally got the courage to leave him and with in 3 years he was dead  at 38 years his heart Finlay gave in 1-1-01 my kids still miss there dad   he was a great person but for his habit and that changes then  and you learn to despise them  

Answer 3

this is the toughest thing you will ever experience. lost my stepson 5 months ago to oxy. he was only 19. find an al anon meeting in your area. you would be amazed how many people are going thru the same thing. it really is a great support. wish you the best.

Answer 4

My 28 year old brother is going into a 30 day program also and I'm nervous as h**l and I know I'm going to miss him. I also have a boyfriend of a little over a year who I miss even when he goes off to work. I can't imagine what you're going through and it must be incredibly hard. All i can say is that your boyfriend is going to get better. He needs to be in this program to save his life. I know it can be hard but i'm sure it's extra hard on him because not only is he going through a lot with the drugs but he knows it's because of him you two are separate and i know he misses you too and he made it a point to you that he is grateful and not only does he need to be strong but so do you. Drop the scenarios. There taking good care of him, he's getting healthier every day and there are no rehab s***s there lol. He probably thinks of you every second of the day. Take it one day at a time. keep writing him letters, visit him on sundays (cuz i'm sure he really wants that and would lift his spirits) and go to school and be as happy as you can. I hope I helped and you're in my prayers. good luck and I hope your man gets better and you both live happily ever after ;)

Answer 5

Find a support group like al Anon to understand what you are both going through.  Call AA and tell them what you are going through and ask where you can get support.  They will be happy to help you.

It is true...that it takes two years to get through a recovery.  It also changes the person that is going through it...and the relationship will change because his focus is going to be on him and staying sober and clean.  It HAS TO BE!  If you are strong enough to know that and take it...then you will have to work hard at it.  

Usually the facility offers support to family and friends because they  know dynamics will change.  Call the facility and see what kind of support they offer.  They might tell you....like most facilities and recovery programs do...to not commit to a relationship for two years if you are not married.  There are reasons for that.  His focus and his strength have to be for him.  He has to be selfish for two years to get a good start!  It is not easy.....

It is rough.  But call and see what kind of support you can get too.

Answer 6

Firstly, there are support groups for the family of people in detox. Check with a social service worker where you live and ask to be put in touch with a group near you. If that doesn't work out, you can always check in with alcoholics anonymous - I know, you aren't an alcoholic, but addictions are addictions, and AA does have a very large program for the family of people who are in the AA program - both to help them support the person who is doing AA and to support the family members as well, because the whole family is in crisis when something like this happens.

Should you fly up to see your sweetie? Probably not. One of the important things about detox is breaking old contacts and helping to set up new routines. That's why visits are so strictly limited. Your plan to focus on your own future and go back to school is a positive step for both of you. You need to become more independent and by doing so, will help him as well. Being a clinging vine at this point won't do either of you any good.

So - continue to be supportive, continue to write letters, continue to get on with your life, and hopefully, when he returns, you'll be able to plan a life together.  

Answer 7

My family has a huge history with dependency.  My parents were raging alcoholics.  My ex-husband was an alcoholic and a drug user.  My current husband is a recovering alcoholic.  He has been sober 12 years next month.  My parents became recovering alcoholics 34 years ago.  I have lived with this disease all my life.

I know you want to be there for your bf and help him deal with this.  Keep in mind, he is going to need to do alot of things for himself.  It will be part of his learning and healing process.  He needs to learn how to function in the real world, without depending on drugs.  You have to be strong and not continue to be an enabler.  The road ahead is going to be a long and hard one.  He will also have alot of anger to work through.  It is also possible that he may not be up to you visiting right away.  He is going to feel like c**p at first.  If he does not want to see you right away, do not feel as though he doesn't love you.  Being as he will only be at the facility for 30 days, he really needs to focus on himself.  He has to learn to handle ALL of his emotions in a healthier way.

I BEG YOU TO CONTACT NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS or a similar organization.  They, like AA, have services for the family and loved ones of drug users.  There are group meetings and I think they may offer online help as well.  It is absolutely essential for your relationship!!  You can help him by getting some counseling yourself.  This organization will help you understand why he did the things he did, how his mind works, and, most importantly, what you can do to help him.  There are also other people there who are going through the same thing you are and sometimes it helps to be around people who are feeling the same way.  You can talk about your feelings, knowing that other people in the room know EXACTLY the way you feel.  People who have been in the program for awhile can offer you advice, if you want it.  There is no judging at these meetings.  Only acceptance.  I think it will really help your bf if he knows you are willing to participate in his recovery, by going to these meetings (or doing them online).  He will see that you love him enough to work with him so that you can both have healthy and realistic attitudes about sober living.

I wish you good luck and much strength and years of happiness.  Keep a positive attitude!!  :)

Answer 8

well, I am an addict myself, and I highly commend you for sticking by him... something that should help tremendously is going to Al-Anon meetings... it is designed for people who have addicts in there life - it will help you get out all the frustrations and help you understand more how to deal with the addict.  You also have to understand that just because the drug is gone doesn't mean that his behaviors will change - thats where the 12 steps come in - they teach you a new way of life... I HIGHLY Support you in checking out meeting for yourself, it will give you some peace of mind as well as be beneficial in your relationship. Another thing is to get a book that is called "Codependant no more" it is such a good book!!  feel free to email me if you have nymore questions...

Answer 9

if you really and truly love him you will wait. you're doing good sending him letters he probably really needs all the support he can get. Just keep supporting him and everything will be ok. encourage him everyday.

Answer 10

I have been through it but I got a violation notice from telling someone to e-mail me when I was willing to help them so it is called solicitation. So I can tell you that you ought to go now cause he needs all the love he can get. Don't judge him if he acts funny cause he moods could be going up & down just love him unconditionally. You have to be the solid one so there is not point of wondering if he is changing his mind about you. This is a great maturing experience for everyone. 30 days is not enough. He should be set up to go to a long term facility after this.I would try to have him someplace where he can stay for alteast 6 months cause he has to learn how to live differently. There is so much to learn. If you can get videos you should try to watch them to understand this cause there is so much to it. Relapse is part of it all. As far as you coping, you have to take the best care of yourself. I didn't do that. My son was an addict & I only wanted to make sure he was OK. He died 8 years ago & I was left with poor health & a ton of debt. So it has been hard for me so eat right, exercise & do everything you can to take good care of yourself.