My Cook’s Bunions?

Question

The acoustics of my dumb waiter mean I can often overhear what is going on in the kitchens.

Of late I have noticed that my cook, Smith, continually complains about her bunions.

Now, I know for a fact all the bunions used in my kitchens are organically grown on the estate and my man, Higgins, is a top-hole gardener. He grows Kamal, Lisbon and Express Yellows as well as Eschallots and his efforts always win the ‘Best Onion in Show’ category at the annual Agricultural Fair. This means that Smith’s complaints about bunions are a load of tosh.

Additionally, I have heard Smith complain that her bunions are ‘giving her gyp’. Whereas I am all for charity, encouraging travellers onto the estate is just not cricket!

What do you suggest I do?

Answer 1

Well m'lady, I think it's time you got yourself a new cook. It is obvious she doesn't appreciate the hard work Higgins puts in to ensure prize winning onions are ready for the top table. In my experience as a spiffingly good gardener, I can tell you that Higgins deserves praise not complaints so do both him and your good self a favour and ask that awfully nice chap Gordon Ramsay to take over for you, what!

Pip pip.

Answer 2

Invite me over for High Tea, and I'll take care of any pesky Gypsies with hairy cheekbones and toothless, gurning faces.

They'll be yowling for cover, as I unleash the Warrior in my

English Blood and set about them with my trusty old Elephant Gun.

I would however state I would never open fire on such Majestic Creatures as the Elephant. But am more than happy to unleash h**l on these foul Varmints. By God.