My Fiance doesn't want a wedding, What should I do?

Question

My relationship of 8 years, I was told last night that he doesn't want a wedding, says just want to go to Justice of Peace. This isn't what I want. He doesn't have a good reason why he doesn't want a wedding. My best-friend says he is speaking in code, to where if i say if i can't have a wedding then I don't want to get married then that his way out. I don't believe he is that type of person to string me along all these years and then say no marriage.

I have planned everything to come out to very low cost because I don't have a lot of family or friends.. It's not about the money. Can't be.

What should I say or do

Answer 1

He is obviously a person who does not like much show, you should know if you have been with him 8years,

you can compromise by still having a jp and wearing a lovely out fit

with a small reception after, it sounds like its that or no wedding be happy  with what you have

Answer 2

The topic of marriage and weddings can be sensitive, so try not to ambush him. I would give him a few days notice so he has time to think about things, say "Hey since we have different ideas for the wedding, how about we talk about things this weekend so we both understand each other on this?" or something.

Then, have the talk. Ask him why he wants JOP, or rather why he doesnt want a more public wedding with reception. Tell him how much it means to you, and why. I think you will both learn a lot by having an open, non-threatening conversation.

Answer 3

If having a wedding, even a very small one, is important to you, you MUST discuss it with your fiance.  If he is unwilling to budge or discuss specifics as to why he doesn't want one, then you guys have bigger issues to deal with.

I didn't want a big wedding either, but I did want to go to a beach somewhere.  It was important to my now husband that we do the whole she-bang, so guess what?  I did...simply because it was important to him.

Answer 4

Talk to him and explain that this is VERY important to you and you've dreamed of it for years. If he loves you enough to marry you, it won't matter how you get married, just that you do!

Answer 5

Well, the ceremony he wants IS a wedding, just different from what you had in your head.

You two have to have some serious talking, obviously.

Answer 6

You cannot force him to participate in a wedding if he just plain won't...perhaps he feels after 8 years of co-habiting, a wedding as if you two are blushing virgins is silly..any rate you may have to decide what is more important here, a wedding or a marriage.....good luck.

Answer 7

Firstly--don't go around listening to your friend who says that he's speaking in code.  Listening to that will only confuse the situation and make you over-analyze this.

Secondly--speak to him about it.  Just because he doesn't want an actual wedding doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married.  Maybe there's a reason for it and you simply don't know.  Some people don't like the attention or maybe he finds that spending that kind of money is wasteful and would rather spend it on a house or something.

The only thing you can do is to really sit and talk to him about this and not jump to any conclusions without hearing his thoughts.  If you can both find a compromise, then it'll be okay.

Answer 8

Let him know of your feelings on why you want a wedding. Try to compromise with him. Maybe he doesn't like being in front of a lot of people. Maybe it could just be a small wedding. At any rate, you two should try to compromise on this, because it makes a relationship a lot easier if you both try to accommodate to what you both want.

Answer 9

Here's the question for you: What type of a person is he? Is he an extrovert or introvert?

Does he like big crowds and parties usually or is he more of the laid back type who wants to stay in all the time and watch a movie?

If he's an extrovert, then he's obviously got other reasons for it. If he's not, then he's telling you the truth.

Either way you need to discuss this with him properly and set a real date. That'll be another cue for you to figure out if he's just stringing you along or serious. He'll be really anxious to set a date if he's not serious.

If he honestly and truthfully loves you and just doesn't want a wedding, then he may have a different concept of a wedding and think of a huge show and alot of posing. You know him best and you need to compromise with him and he needs to do the same.

Communication is key in every relationship. Without it, love, respect and trust will wither. Talk to him, ask him questions, give him an opportunity to tell you what's on his mind and you do the same. Then come to a compromise.

All the best and good luck

Answer 10

Going to the Justice of the Peace IS a wedding. A wedding (which literally means "joining") is the ceremony by which two people become a permanent family. The celebratory party afterward is just that -- a party.

Go to the Justice and formalize your marriage. It will clarify your legal status in the event of an emergency, since right now you are not a legal "family member" if your husband should be hospitalized, you do not have the default powers of attorney that you would have as a legal wife, and your inheritance rights are ambiguous or compromised. But, anyone who has been living together for eight years *is* married by any definition that matters, and it is hard to see how merely legalizing that status warrants a big celebration.

On the other hand, of course, hospitality is a good thing. Everyone who has the means should entertain from time to time. "Remember to practice hospitality" the Bible says -- that's good advice even to people who don't read the Bible.

So: go to the Justice of the Peace. AND work gently on your husband to make him more comfortable with the virtue of practicing hospitality. And hold a party for friends and family any time you are both up to it.

Answer 11

If this person doesn't care that this is something that you really want (and it is important) then do you really want to be married to him? Marriage, aside from birth and death, is one of the biggest and most defining events in a person's life. For a woman, her wedding is something she dreams about from a young age.

If he won't compromise, it sounds like you need to find someone who is willing to at least consider what is meaningful and important to you.

I somewhat agree with your friend. But, I would try to talk to him and come to a compromise before throwing it all out. If he won't budge, you deserve much better.  

Answer 12

Talk to him some more.

I've never wanted a big wedding and for him he was wanting in the beginning to go for the big wedding because that's what his family expected.  Finally, he agreed with the small wedding and later told me that he really just didn't want to plan the wedding.  It wasn't that he didn't want to get married, he just didn't want to have to deal with all the planning.  I did most of it all by myself.  I just needed him to help with a few things.

So that could very well be your fiance's problem too.  

Answer 13

I being married really that important? are you not happy at the moment? he has committed to you by getting engaged! if it aint broke dont fix it.

Answer 14

It's very simple. If you want to marry him, agree to the JP. If a big party is more important to you than him, break up with him now.

Answer 15

My husband didn't want a wedding either.  Not because of the cost or the people but because it just isn't his thing.  Alot of men dont grow up thinking/dreaming about their wedding like females, they think about the person they are marrying.  That may be what the issue is for him.  So to compromise we did a JOP wedding and had a nice reception.  Not too big, not too small and not really formal to ensure that he was comfortable

Answer 16

have you communicated to him how you feel! and if he is ever going to consider your feelings??? if he don't then maybe as hard as it would be you find someone who might!!

Answer 17

like you said, why on earth would he string you along after 8 years??

... like someone else said, maybe it's just a bout needing to find compromise... for example in my case, my fiance was a little less than enthused about the whole wedding at first, but now that it's only a few months away he's kinda admitted that he was afraid it would end up "out of control" (little did he realize i'm as cheap as him LOL). My fiance does also hate being in front of alot of people... and wel me I don't love it but it wouldnn't have bothered me as much as him. So in our case we compromised on a church wedding (we're both catholic anyway, and it's sad i know  but i even pointed out to him how the catholic church is like 5 minutes away from our house but the JOP office is over 30 mins away LOL)... so yah church wedding and small 25 person reception coming over for dinner and drinks at our house... So in the end I get church wedding, but he gets some of the intimacy he wanted more than me.

Don't keep these feelings inside, they'll eat you up. 6-8 months ago I was asking my fiance if he really wanted to marry me?!?!... now after some open discussions and telling him how his behaviour gave the impression that he didn't want to get married... well he was like "no of course I want to get married".. then the info. about how he wanted something really low key came out.... and now I even got him helping choose how to decorate and stuff LOL

Baby steps, baby steps... I hate to stereotype but some guys just don't see the hype in the actual wedding ceremony...doesn't mean they don't want to get married, they're just guys and need to be told direcltly our feelings sometimes. Their mind is based in concrete facts... like when we called for an insurance quote the other day, the woman told us our quote would have been lower if we were married instead of common law LOL... that's a perk he can relate to...

Take care  

Answer 18

look if you're together 8 years, you've found someone who can tolerate all your annoying habits and you his, I say if it ain't broke don't fix it.  marriage is overrated, and I don't know why people need it on paper when in reality you truly do already have a committment right?  on the other hand, if he's not willing to compromise and do something you want, that says a lot about the state of your relationship and the give and take dynamic that needs to exist before you can marry someone.