My Fiance says He is inlove with me, yet he tells me sometimes he is still inlove with his ex girl friends?

Question

My Fiance and I have been dating since May of last year. He has slowly told me about his past and his past relationships. When I have asked him about two ex girlfriends in particular, and ask him if he has regrets about their relationship, and how he feel about them, since he is still in contact with them... He has told me that he will always be in love with them both in some ways. This upsets me, and I have told him this a few times. He has told me he cannot help to still care for them. I am not as jealous as I am hurt. I feel sometimes that I can't compare to them, since he has also mentioned to me that I am the most normal Girl he has ever dated. Am I right to feel this way? am I worrying to much on something left in the past.. I just don't know how to feel about it any more.. I would really like some advice here.. please!

Answer 1

Please get some pre-marital counseling, for both of your sakes. It was unwise of him to say that he'll 'always be in love with them both in some way' when what he probably means is that they'll always hold a special place in his heart. When you have relationships with others, there's a reason you were together. At one time, that person was very important to you and that part never fades completely, even when you've moved on.

I didn't meet my fiance until we were in our mid-30s. Of course we've both had previous relationships. We're both curious about what's going on in the lives of our exes, but not interested in rekindling a flame with any of them.

Pre-marital counseling will help you both learn how to communicate more sensitively. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

In my experience, Ultimatums work the best.

Tell him straight up that you can not be with him if he still has feelings for/contacts that other girl. And leave. Be stern and be strong. You can not go on with the rest of your life being second best!

If you love someone, let them go...

Answer 3

I give him credit for admitting his past relationships. At least he's not trying to hide it.

I think if he were still in love with them, he would be with them and not you. You need to focus on the here & now, not the past. Now that you've cleared the air,  let it go. It's time to move on.

Answer 4

I was composing this answer before I even read the rest of your question.  Think very hard about spending the rest of your life with someone who is still in love with other women.  

Answer 5

Yes you're right to feel that way.  You're a woman.  No offense.

And he's an idiot for actually wanting to talk about his ex girlfriends...not to mention the fact that he still has some love for them.  What kind of c**p is that to tell your fiance???  What a moron.

As a wise pimp once said, "Some things are best left unsaid."

Answer 6

How you feel is not abnormal at all. Before my husband and I were engaged we actually broke up because he told me he still loved his ex. After he begged me to come back and chalked it all up to nostalgia and we got back together. We have been married for four years now and have a beautiful 1 year old boy. But in the back of my mind I can't help but feel settled for, she broke up with him, she didn't want him, how do i really know if he just knew that he had already lost his #1 choice and didn't want #2 (me) to get away as well.

I would recommend counseling, either couples or just for you, so you can see if this is really something that you want to live with for the rest of your life. You will always remember him telling you this and it will be a ghost in your head, do you want to live with that?

Answer 7

It sounds very much like your relationship has not yet reached the maturity level to merit a healthy marriage.  Why don't you wait on getting married until you're both certain your relationship is solid.  It sounds like you two already have relationship issues you don't know how to resolve in a healthy, mature way.  Getting married will not make your ability to communicate better.  Believe me, there will be plenty of learning you'll have to overcome as you proceed as a married couple without these misunderstandings.  Without healthy communication you'll be fighting an uphill battle and setting the tone for a difficult and unhealthy marriage.

You should not rush into marriage.

Answer 8

I am the wrong person to ask dating advice from. But it souds like to me, that he just can't be true to any girlfirend. But it is not like he cheated on you, he just can't stick to one girlfriend, and one girlfriend only. I bet he doesn't knw which one he really wants, you or either one of his exs. And you know your boyfriend better then I do. It might sound like you need to dump him, or at least make him choose who he wants.But you sill have a right to be upset, but it is time for him to choose who he wants, and that person only, even if they don't want him anymore.  

Answer 9

I am sorry, this one is easy...he doesn't really know what love is!

I "care for father of my children, I always will...but I am NOT in love with him...there is a HUGE difference and he can  not filter that out.

I think you should move on and look for the man who will love only you.

Answer 10

I would be trying to find out if he and his ex-girls are not back together b/c they don't want him anymore so you are essentially the "back-up" or next  best thing.  No offense.  I mean, it is one thing to admit the feelings you had but if you are with someone else and are ENGAGED, I don't think you should still be in love with your past.  Personally, I think that is a disaster just waiting to happen later on.  

Answer 11

I would hold off on marriage until this bump has been smoothed out, and you are no longer insecure about this. Maybe he worded it improperly, but he shouldn't be in love with anyone but you. I think it's okay to think fondly of your past relationships or even to care for them in some way because of the history they had together, but there should no longer be any emotional attachment (i.e. he shouldn't still be in love!!).

Answer 12

RUN RUN RUN RUN!!! you do not want a divorce in a year because he "loves" some one else

Answer 13

I agree with jowensod. Sounds like you two are either too young/immature to be getting married and/or haven't dated quite long enough yet to actually get to know each other. Why the rush? When you accept a proposal (which should NEVER happen due to an ultimatum!!!!) you should be 100% sure of spending the rest of your life with the guy. If there are doubts, work through them first.

To me, your boyfriend telling you he's in love with his exes means that he's trying to get some emotion out of you.. maybe hurt you?..  I'm not a fan of playing games, so if that's what he or you guys are doing then you're definitely not mature enough for marriage.

Answer 14

I don’t think you can ever stop loving someone you truly loved. I can think of a couple of guys from my past that I would absolutely say I still love. I’m not in love with them, and I would never want to trade my husband for them. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them.

It sounds like you initiated these conversations and you’re mad because you got the truth. I think it’s really unfair to expect someone to be dishonest. Don’t ask questions when you don’t really want to know the answers.

What is there to be hurt about??  He doesn't feel the way he does to hurt you. You're choosing to be upset over feelings he can't control...and to make the point again, because he *didn't* lie when you asked questions.

And remember, he loved them before he know you. It's not like you two got together and then he decided to love someone else. Do you think it's right to punish him for feelings that pre-date you?

Answer 15

He shouldn't be getting married, in my personal opinion, if he's carrying that much baggage around regarding other women. If he keeps bringing it up, he's got to be the one to let it go, and not just you. A marriage is something that should be complete and total commitment between two people. If it can't be that, I would say the wedding should be put off until he can recognize it. This is especially important because it isn't as if he has stopped speaking to them and tried to move forward. If he is still in contact with old flames that he still has feelings for, you aren't being put first. He is not respecting your relationship. This is my personal opinion, so take it or leave it, but I have only seen this sort of thing crash and burn...in my personal life, and in the lives of others I know.

If he can't give himself totally to you, he shouldn't have given you that ring in the first place.

He should probably look into becoming a man sooner than later and remembering who's going to be his bride.

That is all.