My Mother's guest list

Question

My fiance and I have made our guest list to include our immediate families and closes friends which amounts to about 125 people.

My mother wants to invite an additional 60 people who I have not talked to or seen in years and friends of hers that I have never met or know. I have expressed to her how I feel about keeping our wedding day special with just the people who have been with us over the years and that we have that special bond with.

He and I are paying for this wedding with my parents contributing to the photography and video. My mom keeps making sarcastic remarks because I want to keep this wedding under control and not pay for people who I don't want there.

Advise please?

Answer 1

"Nova_que" gave you the best advice.  I just wanted to add what happened to me.  We paid for our wedding and my mom, on her own, gave us $500 to help out.  Then she wanted us to include my relative's kids.  Like 30 very small kids, and we said no.  Then she said, well use my money to pay for them.  But that wasn't the point, of course, it wasn't just about the money.  A similar thing happened with my in-laws, they offered to pay for the open bar (well, they were some of the biggest customers of it, but I digress) then they wanted to have control over some of the decisions.  It's crazy but when you accept financial help you give away control.  So my suggestion would be to pick up the tab on the photographer/video dude and then stand tall in your own decisions.  It's cheaper in the long run!!!  That's what I wish we had done.  

But, in the end, it all turned out fine.  People get mad leading up to a wedding but on the wedding day everyone gets happy.  You'll have a blast!

Answer 2

It's funny, I'm in almost the same predicament, we wanted just family and friends, it totalled out at 115, then I gave my mom the guest list to edit the addresses, I get it back and the total is now up to 180... except that she is paying for everything, so I didn't say anything. I'm her only daughter, and this is probably one of the only times she and I will be able to talk with her old friends. I don't mind. But if I was paying for it, I would just poliety tell her that I couldn't afford it, and would rather have nicer flower/better photographer than paying for people I don't know to eat and be somewhere they could probably care less about. I like the idea of giving them a certain number they can work with.

Answer 3

your wedding, your choice.  you should have those there you are close and comfortable with.  And if your mother is not paying for the location or food she has no say.

Tell her you will fit who you want, but the others will have to be lest out.  

Answer 4

If she is contributing time or money to the festivities, even giving you a party is a contribution, you might have some obligation. She is your Mom, she should be allowed some guests there for her own purposes, be it bragging rights or her own comfort at the wedding and reception. Ask her to cut the list to a few couples, and bite the bullet and let them come.  

Answer 5

stand firm or tell your mother that she has to pay for the guests she wants to attend.

You remain polite, respectful but firm.

If you let your mother steamroll you now, she will continue to do so your entire married life.  This is you setting the tone for her to deal with you as an adult and someones wife, not her little girl.

Congrats and good luck.

Answer 6

That's a tough one. I think that you are right by stating you want to keep it more personal especially when you already have 150 guests. I would ask her to cut the list in half that way you are compromising with her. Chances of those people showing up are slim anyway. Remember that she is proud and wants to show you off that is why her list is so big!

~MLF~

Answer 7

Be firm, this is your wedding.  This happened with my in-laws and we just had to tell them that we didn't have the money or room for that many people.  Remember though, less people will show up than you invite and even that RSVP.  We thought we'd have around 170 (# invited) and had about about 100 RSVP yes, and had 82 (that showed).

Answer 8

Mothers can get so annoying when you are planning your wedding.  They think that it is all about them.  I can relate.  My husband and I paid for our ENTIRE wedding.  We paid for everything.  We had 100 people and it was perfect.  Both our moms wanted people at the wedding who we didn't want.  I wanted people who were special to me.  I wanted to know every single person who was at my wedding.  My mother in law kept adding business associates who I had never met.  She just wanted to show off because we had it in a nice place.  My husband and I finally had to tell her to back off.  She tried to plan the whole wedding.  Telling me I should get a pink wedding gown, telling me that I should have a flower girl, and telling me that I should have silk flowers instead of real flowers.  It got really annoying.  You finally have to say nicely that it is our wedding and we are paying for it and if you want to have these people who I don't know at the wedding then you have to pay for them.  Tell your mom to keep her sarcastic remarks to herself. This is your wedding, not hers.  We let my mother in law invite a few business associates and it was really awkward when we went over to the tables to say hello to our guests and we had no idea who these people were.

Answer 9

Your mom should not be inviting her friends,first of all,how rude.Shes being very ignorant.Make sure those extra 60 dont get an invitation.Thats horrible.

Answer 10

I think it is respectful to offer your parents a small # of invites for anyone that they may want to be at the wedding.  60 is way too much.  I would try to keep it to 10 people (5 couples) or less as a compromise to her.

Your parents are proud and want to show off a bit on your wedding day - that is understandable.  But 60 is too many unless she is picking up the tab.

My fiance & I completed our guest list - including family & friends - then offered 10 seats to each of our parents to do with as they wish.

Answer 11

You're paying for it, so there's absolutely zero reason to let your mother control the guest list. If you want to be nice, though, have a look at who the sixty extra people your mother wants invited are, and pick out maybe up to five people from the list whom you wouldn't mind inviting.

Answer 12

While I agree with Nova's suggestion about offering your mother 10 seats I can also see that getting out of control if she is the type of lady who will take that opening and run with it.

I don't think it is unreasonable of you to stand your ground on the guest list (it is YOUR wedding, not hers) I think it would be nice of you to offer to let her invite 10 people.  Just make sure that you are firm on the number.  "Mom, we can afford 10 extra seats for you.  You may invite 10 people."  If she tries to invite more ("What about so-and-so?"), restate the offer.  "We can afford 10 extra seats for you."

Good luck!  

Answer 13

You must stand your ground on the guest list. This is your wedding, not hers. You'll have to be blunt with her regarding this issue. She will get over it. Petty things will come up when planning a wedding. Best wishes to the both of you.  

Answer 14

Bottom line: if you're paying for the wedding and reception (ar at least the bulk of it) you and your fiance get the final say over who is in attendance.  However, if it's going to cause a major rift between you and your mother, how about suggesting a compromise, such as having a small reception or brunch to celebrate with some of her friends about a month or so after the wedding.  This will show your mother that while you care about her and her friendships with these obscure people, you are not bending on your vision of a smaller wedding with only those you truly love there.

Answer 15

Tell her that your budget allows for 125 people.  You can allow her to invite a set amount of people or give her a price that it will cost you to invite all 60 of her guests and tell her that if she wants to pay for them she can invite them.  Then get a check from her if she agrees.

Answer 16

You pay, you have the final say...

tell her if she HAS to have these people there, then she has to cover the extra cost because you can't......or allow her six close friends (3 couples) and tell her you have NO money in the budget for anymore..she wants 60 extra, she pays for 60 extra.....and ignore the snide remarks.

Answer 17

stick to your guns.  tell her you only want people you can introduce to your husband at the wedding.  Tell her you have to stick to a budget. Or hit below the belt and tell her you are eloping to avoid this entire mess because she's ruining the fun of planning your wedding.

Answer 18

This is a tricky business, I don't know how serious she is about these extra people or how important this is to you? I'd say it's YOUR wedding, especially as you're paying everything, so it's completely normal you want the people around you that have been there through the years, but I don't know, is it worth a serious fight with your mother?

Try to see her side too: maybe these people she wants to invite are expecting to be invited, and will be hurt/offended if you don't ask them, and it'll be your mother who's in trouble!

But I'd say, take your own decisions, I think you'll have more fun if  you invite the people you like at your wedding, then having 60 guests you don't really know/like, just to please your mother!

Good luck and have a nice wedding!  

Answer 19

Talk to your mom and tell her you have a budget and you can only afford the people you invited. Another 60 people at x amount of dollars a plate include tax will be this many more dollars. She might want to change her mind unless she could afford the cost. If she wants to pay for them get the money up front and let them come. You will so busy that day you will not even notice if there is 125 or 185.  

Answer 20

your mom is being selfish ,is your wedding and u should let her know how you feel or else you will not be happy. why don't you tell your mom to invite 2 people she really wants there and thats all, tell her how u feel about seeing people you don't know. good luck and tell your mom its your wedding without hurting her feelings. i think your mom is so happy she wants everyone to be there.