My New Poem.....WHAT DO YOU THINK!!!!!!!?

Question

Hey, I'm 15 and I worte this poem about my mother. She has breast cancer and i wanted to write out my feelings as a little child, not as 15.

It's called:

The Letter

My mommy has a scary thing.

It’s not a scratch, it’s not a sting.

She looks the same, but wears inside.

Her smiles fade though I know she’s tried.

She can’t play hide and seek any more.

She says her arms and legs are sore.

I really want my mommy better.

Maybe I’ll send God a letter.

Dear Lord Almighty God above,

Please listen to my call of love.

My mommy’s sick, I need her well.

That is what I’m trying to tell.

I miss her laugh, her spirit, her fun.

It went so fast, that’s it she’s done.

I want my mommy to have back her joys.

I’ll give up my dolly, my dresses, my toys.

Oh please dear Lord, make my mommy better.

That is why I sent this letter.

What do you guys think?

Thanks for all replies. :)

Answer 1

strait from the heart -loved this one

Answer 2

You have done a good job addressing the feelings

even having gone back to a younger time I can still

read this and feel it.

I like rhyming poetry, I find it is much simpler to read and one has to work diligently to make a rhyming poem more than just a rhyme and you have done a good job.

Cancer is something that makes me very angry with the way it rips people out of our lives prematurely. I hope your mom can beat it and stick around to see you finish growing up and much longer!

Answer 3

Loved it. The view from a child is what truly made it so strong. Great read. The second last stanza is my favorite, offering the dolls, dresses, and toys for your mothers health to return. Incredible...you're talented with your words.

Answer 4

It's very sincere, and you captured the innocence of a child very well. The rhythm can be a little off sometimes, but it was very good! It gave me chills.

Lines that are off in rhythm:

Stanza 2, Line 1

Stanza 4, Line 3

Stanza 5, Line 1

But that's just because I'm an analytical perfectionist. It's really really amazing.

Answer 5

wow! thats really great!!!! i know a lot of ppl on here say that about all the poems, but yours is genuinely good.

it captures all the feelings, and the innocence of children, and the rhymes are sweet. also, its really easy to read and has a clear rhythm.

i hope your mom gets better :( good luck to her

Answer 6

The last line of the third stanza isn't as strong as the rest. Great flow, try rewording that line, Stay strong.

Answer 7

great poem! its very touching n almost made me cry