My Poor Son hates me! Help?

Question

I have a 12 year old boy, and I understand this time of year is hard for him. My husband and I just finished getting a divorce. I knew this was going to be hard for my son to hear, I went through the same exact thing… but I didn’t expect him to treat me the way he’s been treating me. Winston, that’s his name… is one really good boy. He never swears and hasn’t cried since he had diapers. He’s a bright kid, that’s for sure. But now, all of those things are happening. He’s swearing at me, calling me words I don’t even know where he hears them from, and he’s failing in school. When I talked to him last, he told me he’d rather die than live this life. I don’t want him to feel this way and I really want him to feel OK! I don’t know if I should hire a therapist… would should I do, and what should I say?!

Answer 1

You get a therapist for your son and tell them you just went through a divorce. That's ALL you have to say--they will know exactly where to go from there.

Answer 2

wow, i'm sorry that your son is going through that, its quite clear that he is totally heart broken over the fact that you and his dad is getting a divorced and it is very much affecting him in a terrible way, you will need to get him to a therapist and see if they can help, i know it may be costly but u do want the best for your child,i would also talk to him about the swearing and disrespect inspite of his feeling the way he does, he still has that right to respect you.So talk to him and try to get help for him ASAP.Good luck on everything!

Answer 3

maybe he was not prepared to hear that news i think you have to let them know that its not there fault that you got divorced it is important to let them know what is going on and why is it happening. That i think it would help i know its though.

Edit: sometimes a divorced is traumatic for kids to hear that though and i agree with the answer above my answer if you wanted a divorce just because it is not working out with your husband i think you can get some help between your husband and you because if you do divorced but you did i think there would be a different outcome of your childs behavior.

Answer 4

Winston needs a good cry-- it seems like things have been building up inside him. Oh and he doesn't hate you.

Answer 5

Do not buy his love.  Get him help.  Divorce is a terrible thing for a kid.  He needs to talk to someone who isn't in the middle of his situation.  He needs to vent about it.

Answer 6

Go to his pediatrician at once and get a referral to a therapist.

Your son is suffering from depression and anger and needs help.

Answer 7

This will be a very emotional time, but trust me, unless you take care of the basics it will get much, much, worse. Before communications break down, unless you already have done this, you should make a plan with your husband to cater for university etc for your son. In addition unless you have already, put aside money to get him the things he will need to make a success of himself in this day and age, things like a license fund and cheap car for him will go a long way towards reassuring your son that you still love him and want to collaborate with his father to provide for his future. Make sure not to buy him things because of guilt, get him the things he will need to get himself off the ground and he will thank you for it in the near future. In the mean time yes he will hate you and very likely his father too, he will likely rebel, he will do all sorts of things but if you are there to catch him when he falls and to provide no matter what then he will fare much better. He will eventually come to understand that these things happen and will very likely forgive you. Oh and about the therapist thing, if you hire one then make sure he understands that there isn't anything wrong with him, but you would just like to understand him and his needs better, do not under any circumstance let anyone be condescending about the fact that he is "in therapy".

Answer 8

u shudnt have gotten a divorce.. thats the most difficult thing a kid goes through. u shudnt get him spoiled but i think u shud buy him wat he wants so he can be happy. u shud also hire a therapist. it will reely help express his feelings and u cud then find out wats wrong

Answer 9

You should hire a therapist.

There is no easy cure.  When I was 12, my parents told me they were getting a divorce.  I told them that I would kill myself if they did that.  They at that time decided that it really wasn't all about them.  A family is about a whole bunch of people, not just two people not getting along.  (They eventually did divorce, about 20 years later)

Your son sees two people who were selfish enough to tear his world into little pieces.  I don't know how he is treating his father, but he definitely is blaming you.   He will blame you for the rest of your life, and maybe his.  

With help though he can learn to adjust to his new world.  He can find ways of coping other than through outward anger towards you.  

You will never have your old son back.  He was lost with your husband.  You may, with help, get a new son back however, but its not something you will be able to do by yourself.  However thanks to the divorce rate, there are many who make a living helping kids through situations like this.

Answer 10

Try asking him if he wants to see a councilor and give some responsability. Maybe you have been to wrapped up in you own problems that he feels lost and confused and just not wanted anymore he may have loved his dad and just plain missis him and blames you as he is the one who has gone.

Have you asked him what is wrong and spoke to him as a adult and not a child?  He is very bitter and angry at the moment and your the only person he can take it out on. Explain to him that if he saw a councelor he can tell them all sorts of things that he can't tell you and it would only be between them.

Your son does'nt hate you hes very upset and confused you just feel he does. Don't take it so hard even though it does hurt you. Love can be strange and kids have funny ways of showing it belive me.

Good luck hope thinks start to look up for you and your son soon.

Answer 11

... i hope you remember about all this before you decide to have another child ...

Answer 12

Often a child with divorced/divorcing parents will think if it's possible for you to stop loving your spouse, you will one day stop loving them too. This is certainly enough reason for the child to feel hurt and angry. His behavior is the only way he knows how to express these feelings.

Answer 13

Yes, you should hire a therapist or take him to counseling. The divorce can be devastating to a child. If he is saying that, he is likely depressed.

Answer 14

It sounds like he is just going through a tough time. Entering into the teenage years is a difficult time, but it seems as though it is made more difficult with him having to come to terms with your divorce. Although I never swore at my parents, I did act like a bit of a monster for a few years there when I was a teenager. I would tell my parents that I wanted to die because they were so mean to me.... I was just being a moody, hormonal teenager!

Although you still need to show him that swearing at you, etc. will not be acceptable, the best thing for you to do is to be patient and understanding of him. Show him that you still love him no matter what he does. Try to be calm and patient when he does lose it, and try not to react (because in some ways, that is probably what he wants). It sounds like youre already doing a good job of helping him come to terms with everything - just keep it up! He will come out the other end!

Answer 15

this divorce is obviously taking it's toll on your son. he's at a very vulnerable age. you should hire a therapist to talk to your son, and try to explain whats happening. he's confused, and hurt.

Answer 16

His actions are normal.His parents  refused to work things out and divorced  leaving him living with one parent and visiting the other.The child doesnt need a therapist the parents do.

I understand there are times when a person is abusive and danger to the other spouse and the kids divorce is necessary, but is that the case here?

His world is wrecked, his family is destroyed.Let him stay with his dad for now, he needs a guy because he is probably hitting puberty anyway.A dad is better equipped to deal with a young teenage boy because he is still big enough and strong enough to discipline  him and make it stick.A 12 yr old boy alone with his mom knows how far he can push her, and the bigger and stronger he gets the more he will push.

Yes he is troubled, and counseling may help, then again it may not.This is hard for him and he will adjust in time, but the wound is there for life.

Answer 17

Get a good counselor, now.  Don't allow him to treat you this way, no matter what is going on there are still house rules and manners that never change.  He needs to be able to talk honestly, yet respectfully to you.   Let him speak and give him honest answers...still hold him accountable for his actions.  Get him into counselling.