My Sonnet Number 4. Please Critique. (It's a holy sonnet) thoughts and comments are warmly accepted. Thank you

Question

*****

Sonnet IV

When did tearful chastity part with you?

To leave behind a prowling soul in loss,

Of pious roads, converging to virtue

Alas, his chaste-white face was stained by us.

When did we shed that light-weaved cloak of ours?

That embraced us by heaven's sacred grace

How did we enchain our godsend powers?

That left our hearts, never to show a trace.

Oh you, unheard echo of Eden's sigh

You earthly mold, fill with angelic faith

Let love lend you wings, lend your wings to sky

And make pilgrimage for whom had you made

Eden' great masterpiece that lost his rank

Light your heart and attain that long-sought rank

*****

Answer 1

A lovely sonnet that lays bare the fallen state of mankind and the toll of Edenic transgressions.  You have some metrical shifts that are distracting, but they are easily fixed.  Are you aware that your couplet is not rhymed, but instead that lines 13 and 14 end with exactly the same word! You may need to rewrite the couplet to address this issue: "It's through your choice that all mankind is lost/Could any just through love redeem the cost."  Best wishes, and please keep writing.

Answer 2

i only have problem with line 12 ithink it is . we were created not made other then that pretty good

- to the person under created as in created out of nothing made is made out of something like a artist makes pottery there is a difference if he or she is trying to be correct in the wording as of the bible if not then its very well written

Answer 3

to first answerer: there's a difference between created and made? created doesnt scan...

to poet: pretty good, have you posted your others on Y!A? are they all holy? i praise anyone who completes a sonnet.

but i do have my own note for line 12...to me, it scans like

-//---/--/

when it ought to be -/-/-/-/-/

maybe have a look again? i haven't tried scanning the other lines...

Answer 4

I am not a critique of poetry, I read it and then see if it sounds ok, still learning!  The last line doesn't fit to much , the idea is good maybe a changing of the wording , as  I said not a critique of poetry, so just take what I am saying with a grain of salt!  Cheers!