A month ago my wife says she doesn't love me the way I deserve. I didn't get angry, I was stunned. My wife took my not being angry as my not caring. Later I came to find I was just really disappointed. I was so devastated that I could not be angry. I was completely blindsided and didn't see it coming. Was I to blame for this?
As it turns out, we immediately went to singles and marriage counseling. The marriage counselor said John give her space. We separated, I moved out. It was hard. I emailed her, I went to our house not 5 days later and spent the whole day there. Then 4 days later is her birthday and I went all out. I bought flowers, I wrote all kinds ot things about my feelings for her. I did everything I thought was right.
Both therapists say I'm trying too hard and that I'm actually pushing her away. My individual therapist says I'm putting too much pressure on my wife and that I need to back off.
I also learned that I am hard on myself, am a bit of a perfectionist, am impatient at times, and I don't let out my feelings.
So, I have to make my outside the same as what's going on inside. I have to stop sweating the small stuff. I have to not contact my wife whatsoever for the next 10 days which is when our next session is. I have to do things that make me happy. Which is going to be hard, because I am happiest when I'm with her, but what the h**l, I'll figure it out. I also have to stop perceiving things as if they are posessions. I've just got to be me whoever that is.
So, is it to late for me to change and save our marriage? Have I pushed her too far?
I am 29 and she is 26. For a few days after she told me she didn't love me I tried to rationalize things. I tried to tell her that love was more than a feeling that it was a culmination of many things. I just didn't validate her feelings or want to hear it. Who wants to hear that they aren't loved by the one to which they are married.
What's odd is we like a lot of the same things. We do a lot of the same things. We take care of ourselves. We work out together. We like stupid comedies. But we're different enough to keep it interesting. She is guilty of holding in her feelings like I am.
One month after I proposed to her my father was diagnosed with cancer and one year to that day we burried him. My wife felt it would be terrible to bring the news of her doubt to me during those days. I understand that. I don't like it, but I understand it.
Now, I pray every morning and before I go to bed. Heck, I sleep with Bible now. I pray for guidance, and what I must do to make the situation right. I'm also working on my flaws about which I am learning. I'm being more assertive, I'm doing things I enjoy. I am at the same time missing my wife.
Yesterday I agreed fully to make no contact with her so she can think. For the past month I have been in denial. I didn't want their to be the possibility of a break up pending. I didn't want to hear she didn't love me the way I deserve. I tried my best to do all the things you read about in romance novels. All the while, I have been making her feel more guilty, putting to much pressure on her, and pushing her away. And for that I'm am sorrier than anyone can ever know. I don't want the reason my wife leaving me is because I tried to hard and was too clingy. That's unattractive and yet, I did it. Someone said women are a strange creature, I believe men are far more strange.
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