My abusive husband is now abusing my kids! Help?

Question

I am leaving my abusive husband in a couple of days; just getting everything together. I'm a 35 yr old stay at home mom and we've been married for 14 years. We have a daughter 8 and a son who's 6. He has been verbally/emotionally/ (and physically abusive in the past with me.) Very horrible and he does this in front of them and I've realized that he's abusing them too by doing this in front of them. I've left 3 times in the past and have come back but now I HAVE to leave and stay gone for my kids and myself. My son to my mom that his dad had hit him and is mean to him when i am gone. My daughter said that he's grabbed her shirt by the neck and talks to her mean and here are some other things she said he's done:

left them in the theater while he went to get refills on popcorn, left them in the car while picking up his chinese food, fusses about them about housework like they're teenagers, etc.

We are going to live with my mom which is not an ideal situation but I have to leave for our safety. my son wants to leave but my daughter is making me feel bad b/c she cries and asks why her dad can't be normal and nice so we can be a family..what do i say to her? Then he tells me he will give me sole custody but he has a right to see them and wants them every other weekend! What am I supposed to do? I haven't told him about the abuse allegations( I do believe my son), and i'm nervous to bring it up b/c what if he takes it out on my son for telling on him? I want him to only have supervised visits and ask the court for him to get help, I dont leave my kids alone with him. Another problem is, they go to great schools where their dad will still live and I want them to still go to school here but he will have to be involved if they do and I don't know what to do...The inner city schools are horrible and my daughter was mistreated severely in those schools before..I have so much on my mind!

Answer 1

Good luck,

get out, stay out. don't forgive,

Never forget.

Answer 2

Sorry it must be hard but this is good u have come to realize  it en think about yourself and the kids too just be there for your kids en don't let them know like their Dad is bad just Say you both have problem en we shall solve but u en dad are ok.Talk to ur husband en tell him not to involve the kids they are too  young to go through all this anyway pray for him en get a good lawyer ur are brave en u can make it

Answer 3

Calm down,take one thing at a time. I know it's hard because it's alot going on but you will make it everything will be fine.  Im telling you by experience GET OUT NOW!!! Its only going to get worse. File a restraining order against him I don't know if that will do any good because its only a piece of paper. Stay far away from him as you can. Tell him to get some serious help before he kills someone. He has a GREAT insecurity problem and who knows he may been abused as a child and just reacting on what he knows. Just explain to your daughter that right now you and daddy can't get along right now, you need some time apart.Till this day, my children doesn't see their father because I don't trust him.I hate that I have that feeling because that's still their father but that's how I feel. You can redo your emergency papers for the school and tell them that you do not want their father to be able to pick the children etc. and as soon as you get papers from the court, take it straight to the school so it can be on record.I'm sorry to hear this, but it's terrible I understand.

Answer 4

You have way too much on your shoulders and are dealing with some really big issues. Why are you handling all this on your own?

You need to immediately get an attorney retained, but interview prospective attorneys and find one that has a good history (high win ratio) with divorce and dealing with domestic violence issues intertwined. You are going to need a good legal advocate (attorney) by your side.

Next, you need to IMMEDIATELY contact your local domestic violence shelter/hotline and talk to them about your concerns about your safety, his potential contact with the kids and your rights.  You may also want to establish a relationship just in case you need to find a safe-house to go to in the future.  Call them today!  They also often have volunteer advocates who will assist you through the court process, help you know your rights and help you get a restraining order on him, all this prior to your retaining an attorney.

Also, you need to get a counselor on board for those kids, especially your daughter. She is feeling conflicted about her father's role in her life and in yours. You have stayed with him and tolerated this abuse for awhile and these children are going to need help sorting out the whys and the wherefores.  What is right? What is wrong? Why did you leave now and not before? Will you return again? Will Daddy be angry with them if they are not home with him? I'm sure you could use an emotional support system also that is objective and disconnected from the family.  You also have your "detox" to do as you emotionally pull yourself away from the dysfunctional environment you've been in.  

Please set out to do these things right away. You call and talk to all the agencies/people I mentioned in the space of an hour.  Make a personal goal to see at least one attorney a day and have a decision on who to retain by next week and do it. Don't delay!

Get you and your kids into counseling as soon as possible. You should be able to get on a sliding fee or no-fee scale with a non-profit agency.  Make an appointment for you and the kids to come in as soon as possible, stress to them urgency of your situation.  You also may be able to use them as advocates for you and the children in court.  The children will need some outside support from them as well for the abuse and also in dealing with any further fall-out from the divorce as typically there is with abusive husbands.

Be brave and congrats to you for finally deciding to leave.  Please don't look back, look forward. This is serious business and unfortunately you have only one chance to get it right, so go full bore ahead like your life depends on it -- because it does and two little ones are depending on you.

Answer 5

good for you and your kids they nor you have too put up with that...he is a piece of trash leave him where he is .don't look back only to the wounder full future you are going to give to your children and your self-GOD SPEED HUN ////

Answer 6

as a child who has been abused by her father, i totally applaud you for taking serious action.

you seem like a wonderful mother.

for school wise, check out the school yourself. look at reviews online. there actually are some!

restraining orders are a must too.

i don't know much to say but i feel you.

God Bless. And good luck.

Answer 7

CALL THE POLICE!

Answer 8

GET OUT of there, NOW

Answer 9

Have you tried getting a restraining order that has him leave your home?

In divorce court, you may be able to keep your home.

Answer 10

Hello, I am a member of the DVCC and would like to give you a few inspirational words and a things to think about during this positive life- changing choice you are about to make.

First let me start by saying I am proud of you for making this decision for you and your children.  Your children and you deserve to enjoy your lives in a healthy and productive environment.  

Please make sure this time, you do not go back-- the more abuse your kids experience, the more damage caused...just remember that statement.  A great book to read is Sylvia Browne's "Soul's Perfection"  -- got me through a rough divorce.

I too was in an obsessive/abusive relationship several years ago and was shot in my chest on the day that I told him to leave me alone, thank goodness to God, I survived and am fully recovered, speaking publicly about my experience.  ** IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE A CONFRONTATION WITH HIM WHEN YOU LEAVE **  as this tends to be the most dangerous time for the person being abused.  Have your plan down to a "t" and make sure all of your bases are covered.  

Restraining order needs to be put into place.

I would strongly suggest joining a support group in your area and empower yourself.  The happier you are, the happier your children will be.  Kids do not deserve to be exposed to this behavior and neither do you.  God did not put beings on this planet to be abused.    

Yes, your children have been put through a lot, please be sure to listen and have open discussions with them about what is going on and how they are feeling...age appropriate of course.  They may need to speak with a professional child counselor that specializes in this area.  Pay close attention to what they are doing and saying, this will help in the long run.

Do not overwhelm yourself with negative thoughts and keep moving forward.  There are tons and tons of people in this world that have been through your exact situation ans we understand and are all here to support and empower you to lead a happy normal life.  

As for court, I am a strong believer that when it comes to children, dad is an important figure in a child's life, UNLESS...ABUSE/DRUGS etc..  I say, I would fight for custody.  

Best of luck and God bless you and your children.              

  

Answer 11

your doing the right thing, and just be honest with ur kids, they;ll appreciateit later, oh and make police reports about wat ur kids r saying andtell the courts that u want sole custody and no visits from ur usband who kows wat e'll do next, do u want that in ur consience..

Answer 12

well,  it was very dumb of you to go back each & every time,  why would you go back to the abuse? & beatings?   I hope for your kids' sake, that you DO NOT go back to him again.......  

Answer 13

Go to the police & then leave & start a new, healthy life with your children.

Answer 14

Just take this one day at a time.  If you think about everything at once, your brain might explode.  One step at a time.

By the way - go take a tour of the local school and watch and see what happens.  If it's a middle or high school, watch what happens during passing periods.  Some city schools can be decent, but you have to be careful.  If you aren't comfortable, consider home schooling for awhile.