My adopted child has reunited with her biological mother and now is pushing me out I dont know what to do?

Question

I adopted her 10 years ago when she was 6. I am so hurt I dont know what to do. They are lying to her telling her that I said things that I didnt in order to get the papers signed. This just isnt true. I love her so much and I miss her even more.

Answer 1

You don't necessarily suck as a parent!  Please give her time.  She may well decide, like many adoptees, that her original family and her adoptive family are both just that-- parts of her family.  Let her know you love her no matter what, and don't make her feel she has to choose between you and her other mother.

If she's being lied to, make sure she knows the truth about her adoption.  But don't call her first mother a liar or malign her first family in any way.  They are where she came from, and if you talk smack about them, she'll feel you're doing the same to her.  

I can only imagine how much this hurts, but there's not much you can do except hang in there and let her know you understand her need to be in contact with her first family and that you will be there for her no matter what.

Answer 2

Do what you would want your mother to do for you if you were dealing with things in your own life.

Our children do a lot of things we don't like and all children push us out of their lives... Just be a mom, listen when she talks, understand that NOT everything our kids do is a reflection on us or on our relationship.

Healthy people do NOT only love their mothers. We want our children to have a lot of healthy attachments. Just because someone is a part of your -- married and independent-- daughters life doesn't mean you are not anymore. Your daughter also has a mother-in-law and most of them have relationships with our children and affect their lives...

This is something normal for adoptees to do... It is Normal and healthy for some this is a required step in their lives. My daughter was just about the same age as yours when placed and I do not see the fact she loves her mother as a problem to me at all. I am so happy she loved her mother and that her memories have some special meanings... When my daughter is ready I will be supportive when she takes these kinds of steps.

People can't have too much family. I don't even care how someone names the way they are family so what! To me family is the place where it's okay to be who we are and with people who love us no matter what... My husband is my family and we are NOT related to each other... My ex-husband is my family and we are both realted to our children... So What... My older children have two sets of parents....

The whole issues about Adoptive Mom's getting all upset about the biological mother is confusing to me in every way. It reminds me of the mother-vs-step mother junk. Those situations can be every bit as upsetting for the Mom's involved...

I didn't let myself get all into that game either. When I had to face the whole new world of step mom for my children I just decided that I would always take the high road, tell my children I loved them and wanted them to be with me and would always want them--no matter who they decided to live with. I did not show my children any kind of "threatened" feelings about their other mother.

Over time and because I didn't get all whipped up into the "Who loves Mommy?" world--my kids clung to me and can always rely on me to accept them no matter who else is in their lives...

....just remember the old poem.... If you love someone set them Free... if they return it was meant to be....I forget the rest.

Answer 3

Terribly sad. The best advice I can think of if she were 18 would be to let her examine her biological mother. chances are she will see the truth for herself.

HOWEVER, she is only 16. You are legally responsible for her.

She has to answer to you, and obey your rules. Don't allow her to see her biological mom. OR if she does visit with her, make sure you supervise the visits.

Answer 4

The more time she spends with bmom, the more information your daughter will have about her....give her time to hear the stories, think them over, and then make a decision for herself.  Liars usually "out" themselves fairly quickly.  Let it happen.

Answer 5

i'm so sorry for your hurt.  i'd let her be. .  she'll see what's what soon, and she'll be back. . . this is the age when they start pushing us out no matter how we became the mom. . . keep your dignity, don't badmouth the bio. . . love your daughter and be as nonjudgmental as you can, she'll be back. . .

Answer 6

Well, there's not much you can do except be there for her and give her the space she needs right now.  Identifying with her first mother doesn't mean she is rejecting you.  She can love both of you.  I would try not to read more into it than is there; I believe it's less about you than you think.

As to the truthfulness of the adoption, I would try to let this work itself out.  Try not to be defensive if/when she brings this up to you.  

Good luck.

Oh, as a sidenote, if fertility means that someone is "meant to have a child" then we wouldn't have the number of abused/neglected children that we do.  The ability to carry, birth or father a child is no guarantee of the ability to be a parent.

Answer 7

"she" is married?

Who is "she"?

Your daughter?

Isn't she 16 years old??

Answer 8

i'm an adult, reunited adoptee.

when we first meet our mothers, it is better than a honeymoon!  we fall SO head over heels in love, we can't even see straight!

the short answer is, if you support her and give her time, she's going to come back to you and love you even more for giving her this space.

please try to keep in mind, her reactions and love for her other mother right now is not a reflection of how much she loves you .

this isn't about you.

i'm not saying that to be mean, at ALL.  it's just that her reunion is not about you.  it's about her and her mother.

Answer 9

I'd be hurt too. You have been her mom for 10 years. I'm sorry for your pain.

Answer 10

Mommom I love you! Spanx, you not so much..

For the OP I suggest you have a lot to learn about adoption, start by reading The Primal Wound, that ought to open your eyes nicely.

Frankly, I am of the opinion that if you aren't able to breed, then there is a reason you aren't supposed to have children!

Answer 11

Your daughter is feeling her oats.  She is allowing a woman--who is her biological mother--to fill her head with lies about you.   As long as you know the truth that is all that matters.  

I would suggest that you write her a letter or an email stating how much you love her and always will.  She may not accept this fact right now but in a few more years when she has a chance to mature, she will.  

Have patience and your daughter will realize the truth about you.  Soon enough, after the grandchildren come along, she will need you.  Whatever you do, do not give up on her. Stay in contact by letter and email.  Invite her and her husband to lunch.  Try and stay apart of her life.  She will get the picture how much you care.

Answer 12

I am so sorry and don't know what to say.  Tell her you love her and you will always be her mother and then back off. Let her make the first move.  I know its hard but her birth mother did something to lose custody and will soon show her colors and your daughter will realize who her mother really is

Answer 13

Ok so she is 16, doesnt that give you legal rights still?

I would be very careful with this, (becasue u dont her turning hr bacl on you completly) you need to talk to her and explain the truth and tell her they had a complete choice to sign.

Answer 14

You shouldn't have stolen her in the first place from her real mother.

If you can't have kids, it's because God didn't want you to have them, and this is your payback.  

DO NOT STEAL OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN!

Answer 15

I say, try taking a different approach, they tell lies, let them. Support her in getting to know them and she'll learn soon enough what they are about. She's young, and she's going to make mistakes, just be there for her when she realizes how big of a mistake she's making now by trusting too much, in people she barely knows.

When they do lie, smile, say nothing negative to push her closer to them, but DO tell her some truths. Tell her that even if ya had done the things they said, that that would only mean you loved and wanted her very much, but since you didn't say the things they claim, tell her the real reasons behind her adoption. Were they bad parents? neglectful? abusive? Or just didn't want the responsibility. Either way, she needs to hear your side as much as she needs/wants to hear theirs. Be patient with her. She'll come around.

Personal note to MomMom: you, lady, are a nut job. If God didn't intend for people to adopt when they aren't physically able to have children, then he wouldn't make parents that don't want their babies, can't take care of, or that hurt their babies therefore giving REASONS for the child to be adopted. Adoption IS NOT stealing someone else's child, it's giving a child love, comfort, home and family when they need one most. When their birth parents aren't capable of doing it themselves for whatever reasons. I wonder, if you're so against adoption, why are you even here in this section?

Mary G - I hope you just didn't tell me, a grown adoptee that *I* have alot to learn about adoption. Lady, I'm gonna save us all alot of time, you must be a birth mother who's child was "Stolen" from you. If not, I hope you never breed as you called it, as you'll only pass on ignorance to the future generation. You read your information from a book, as for me, I've lived it.

  You think just because a woman pushes a child out of her body that makes her a mother?? Wrong! Look in the news sometime, how many mothers abandon their children, beat them, starve them.. murder them even. All things that could have and would have been avoided had they perhaps adopted those kids out.

Any animal can give birth, it takes someone special to be a mother.

Answer 16

My sisters family lied to her about my father too. My dad heard that they told her that he had HIV and was a drug addict. Its not right.

Maybe they feel they need to lie to

"win her over". Just be there for her and encourage a healthy relationship with her family, that way there's no needing to win anyone over, just being family.