My adopted son.... adoptees only please?

Question

I have read tonight that some adoptees wish they were never told that they were adopted. I adopted my second son as a new born. I got him at the hospital (birth-mother never saw him) Since he was little I told him a story I made up about how I got him at the Baby Store (he's 6 now) hoping that he won't think I 'lied' to him growing up or just coming out and saying to him 'I'm not your 'real' mom'. My boyfriend in high schools adopted mom told him that she wasn't his biogoical mom when he was in kindergarden all he heard was 'I'm not your mom', he didn't know what biological ment and the thought of saying that to him makes me phsically ill, because I am his mom... you know. As older adoptees do you wish you were never told or just wish you were better prepared.

(And please if you are going to be a jerk go answer questions in entertainment please)

Answer 1

l'm not an adoptee (sorry), but l am a mom to bio, adopted and fostered kids.  You've asked a good question here, l've often wondered about the 'best' way to tell children about their life story, and how they came to be with you.  Like most people on her, l agree that children need to know, however, the details and how much info they need depends, l feel, on the age of the child, their understandings, and their own development.  l think for a kindergarten aged child, l would steer away from the 'l'm not your 'real' mom' talk, you're right, a young child will just hear "l'm not your mom".  Very upsetting.  l honestly don't think ANYBODY would ever wish they hadn't been told, l think it just depends on the way you address the issue.  For me, my recently adopted son (from foster care) will always know his background (as do my bio kids!), but l just talk to them about their birth/arrival stories, and always emphasize our feelings-"Mommy and Daddy were so excited/happy/loved you so much when we first met you"-this goes for all our children, they are all treated the same.  lt's a sensitive issue, that's for sure, but l think you hit the nail on the head when your say better preparation.  l wouldn't burden say a 3 year old with a story about adoption papers and biology, l'd tell them in a way that doesn't lie, tells them the whole truth, but in a child-friendly manner, and save the heavier stuff for an age where they can comprehend it.  Good luck with your son, l'm sure you will be fine.

Answer 2

he must know, i was adopted from birth and my parents always let me know, when my questions came up, they answered them.

maybe something more along the line of "you didnt come from here (point to your belly) you came from here (point to your heart)" may be easier for him to wrap his brain around.

you are doing the right thing, it is very importent for him to know early, or else he will question everything in his life as a lie.

good luck

Answer 3

I have always known that I was adopted.  I can't even remember them telling me so I must have been very young.  In my own opinion and in the research I do and all of the reading, I think it is best to tell the child when they are very young.  At 6 your son will be able to understand when you tell him that some parents are unable to care for the children that they give birth to and that they did a very unselfish thing by allowing someone else to be the parents and love the child unconditionally.  

If you want to do some research on the effects of adoptees who do not find out at a young age, do a web search on Late Discovery Adoptee's (LDA's).  These stories are heartbreaking and many people do not find out until their parents have passed away.  Often times they feel betrayed and now feel that they will never be able to learn the complete truth to their heritage or to just get general answers to their start in life.

There have been and are still many "lies" associated with adoption and the laws in our country are finally starting to address the inequalities of adoptees in learning their past.   Keeping this type of a secret within a family can be devastating.  

You are his real mom just not the one who gave birth to him.  He does and will continue to know that as long as you keep an open and supportive relationship with him.

Answer 4

Hi, My friend's son was adopted 2 years ago.  He is now happy with the new family and is aged 5.  Letter's are written to my friend and he call's her "Tummy Mummy" they have told her what they told him.  This was..... The new adoptive parents are the mummy and daddy but he has 2 mummy's; her and "tummy Mummy."  Tummy mummy was very kind, and carried and looked after him and brought him to the new mummy and daddy. He know's he came from her "Tummy Mummy's" tummy, and not from the mummy he lives with.

I was not adopted, but thought this info may be of use to you.

Answer 5

I am not adopted, but I think you should tell him.  Better now than later...

There are a lot of ways you could say it without having to say you are not his mom, because you are right... You ARE his mom.  

If I were in your shoes, I would make a little story out of it.  Tell him that there was a very nice lady that found out she had a baby growing in her tummy, and you met this nice lady, and she asked you to be the baby's mommy once he was too big to live in her tummy, because you couldn't grow a baby in your tummy... Then tell him that he is that special baby, and you are so happy that you met that nice lady...

There really isn't a need to go any farther than that.  Just telling him that he grew in someone elses tummy is enough for now.  I wouldn't use words like "biological mom", or "adopted", because he will understand that that is what the story means when he is big enough.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Um, word choice should be age appropriate and sensitive. "We adopted you" rather than "You are adopted" for example. And saying "I am not your biological mother" shouldn't be necessary ever. By the time a child can understand the statement, they should know the basic facts of adoption and not need it stated in such a manner.

Answer 7

You should tell him now but dont make a big deal of it just kind of say hey do you want to hear a story about you? you know im not your real mommy, you didnt come out of my tummy i got you from the baby store and i choe you because i loved you, your real mommy is in (ex. africa) and she loves you like i love you and she thinks about you alot. Just kind of bring im up with him knowing it, so it doesnt hit him hard. If you dont make a big deal of it neither will he. He will always know it then and it wont hurt him , because you can tell him that you couldnt love him more even if he was yours. good luck , theres no easy way to say it really. :)

Answer 8

As an Adoption Counselor, I need to offer you some very important advice.  Your son deserives to know he was adopted.  It is never a good thing to withold this information.  Never.

But now that you have, you will need to tread VERY carefully, as this will be the framework for your son's identity, affect his self esteem, and influence his trust of others.

You need to get some professional adoption counseling first - for you.  Is there an adoption agency near you?  Can you make an appointment and go speak with an experienced counselor?  Most counselors at agencies are licensed Social Workers with many years experience in adoptions.  But if that is not workable to you, then go to your library or book store, and look up anything by Lois Melina (adoption expert).  Read, read, read.  

It is essential that you not beat yourself up for what has already happened.  Just go from here, and know your intentions were good.  But they have to change -- for your son's sake.

With support and guidance, you will learn how to introduce adoption through age appropriate books.  This introduces the concept of adoption withot making it about your son.  But --- You first have to get over you negative feelings or fears or anxiety over this issue.  Otherwise, that is what your son will pick up, and associate adoption, his, with these negative feelings.

Instead, begin to slowly mention (one sentence only) positive statements about adoption in general.  "There are all kinds of ways to hbe a fmaily."  "Not all children have a Mommy and a Daddy."  "Some children are raised by their grandmother."  This lets him know that all kinds of families are out there -- and all are o.k.  But don't start with situations specific to him.  Once you are positive and at ease, explain his "birth" -- in one or two sentences only.  "When you were born it was such a special and happy day!  We are so lucky you birthmother wanted us to be your parents!"  But nothing more.  Just be casual and positive!  And do not go into a long drawn out story about his adoption!  This overwhelms kids and is over their heads.  If he asks a question (Why did my birthmother not keep me?,  for example), then JUST answer that question, without going into all these details.  "Because she couldn't take care of a baby."  Period.  Or, "Why don't I live with her?"  Because she wanted you to have a Mommy and Daddy who could always take care of you."  Etc.

Anyway, I think you probably see the big picture now.  If you need or want to contact me via my email for further support, feel free to.  I will answer.  Good luck to you!

Answer 9

Im glad my parents told me at a young age i couldnt imagine finding out now(im 30). I would be very hurt and feel like they had been lying to me all my life. I know they are my parents and wouldnt want it any other way. Good Luck

Answer 10

i think that you should tell him, but i dont know if 6 is the right age, cause like you said he could take it the wrong way. im not adopted but my best mate is, her family told her when she was in primary school. no matter when or how you tell your child, it is going to hurt them. i think the best thing to do is to be understanding, if they want to contact their biological mum then support them. your son will realise that you are his mum and you love him and that will be all that matters..

good luck with everything

Answer 11

I was not adopted, but my 3 sisters were.  Two are adults and one still a teen.  My parents chose to intercept any negative connotations from adoption by celebrating a "special day" each year for each girl.  It is like a second birthday that represents the adoption day.  Who wouldn't want to have two birthdays?  Our large family all meet at a restaurant, buy cards and small gifts and have a party to celebrate the day we got a beloved family member.  My sisters would invite their close friends to help them celebrate.  I've heard my sisters say how blessed they've felt to have been adopted and how they felt like they may have been loved more than non-adopted children.  I have a friend who also chose to do this for his adopted son.  

In any case, you are his only mommy as far as I'm concerned.  Who was the sperm or egg doners, and who was the incubator will not matter to a well adjusted child.  You should never let him sense that you feel like being adopted is a bad thing.  I would think keeping it a secret would imply you thought it was somehow less than having a biological mommy.

Answer 12

well, i'm not an adoptee, but i have a few friends who are, and it really depends. i think you should tell, because my friends and alot of other people really don't have a problem with it, as they were told when they were little. sometimes truth hurts, but i'd rather grow up knowing whether the person who has been by my side and raised me through my life was really my mom or not. good luck =]

Answer 13

you can tell him now..now that he can understand stuffs..because if you would tell him too late he would think that you had been lying to him all his life, like if you told him at the age of like, lets say 13-15, he would think that you lied to him about that and he would say that you have been lying to him since he was adopted and he would never trust you because you had lied to him for soo long..

Answer 14

It sounds to me like you *are* telling him he's adopted,but in a way that a young child can understand.

Later on he'll ask what a "baby store" is and you can then provide more details as he's ready for them and can understand. Oh and you ARE his "real" mother,the other one is only his biological one.

I think it's a sweet way of easing him into the full story.

I remember my mother telling me that I came from the pharmacy down the street,lol! We had good times laughing about it when I became an adult and had to explain to my *biological* kids where THEY came from....ugh,hehe.

Answer 15

Sorry I know you said adoptees only...but I had a friend in High school who was adopted. Her mother waited until she was 17 to tell her she was adopted. She was so angry. She felt like she had been lied to her whole life and was mad she wasn't told any sooner. When she turned 18 she moved out and went on a search for her birth mother.

Anyways...it has been several years since then and has since reconciled with her adoptive mother and they are very close and she visits with her biological mother all the time. She told me that she wished her mother would have told her like when she was 8. She thought she wouldn't have understood really before then and was still very mad that her mother waited until she was 17.

Answer 16

I was told as soon as I was able to understand the concept (at around 3), and it was maybe a year after that my parents adopted my younger brother as well. I cannot remember how exactly they told me (it was 35 years ago) but the effect on me was only positive. I believe they told me something along the lines of sometimes people were not able to look after their children and gave them up for adoption so the kids could have a better life. There was never anything negative (like "I'm not your real Mum"), it was just a statement of fact. I think alot of it was also preparation for my brothers adoption.

They might also have done something along the lines of the "Baby Store" idea, as I do remember us all going to collect my brother and there being 3 or 4 other babies in the room at the same time. My sister and I wanted to pick another one instead as we thought we could choose (John, if you ever read this....sorry)

Answer 17

My wife is adopted and I found her biological parents for her, so I feel pretty connected to the situation.  Here are my thoughts.  

My wife says she can't remember a time when she didn't know that she was adopted.  Her mom had books around that they read, that we're written for children, I believe one was called "I was chosen" or something like that.  My wife now sees the adoptive parents as the "real parents" and the birth-parents as Jane Doe and John Doe the people who brought her into the world.  My wife always knew growing up that she was special because her parents couldn't have children so someone else gave birth to her and loved her enough to give her to a family that could give her a better life.  

There are books, written by people who can do a much better job of discussing this than I can.  From my experience with many friends who are adopted, I would say the sooner the better.  If they find out by accident somehow and you are not the one to tell them, they are going to have real problems.  They could feel lied to, decieved, etc.  Talk to a professional, see if the adoption agency can help out.  Adoption is such a beautiful experience.  As long as you approach the subject with love and understanding, it should all work out.  

Good Luck!