My adoptive mum seems so emotionally cold when it comes to adoption.?

Question

I don't have extremely close friends who I can talk to about adoption very confidently with.

My mum is naturally someone who I turn to, but she seems to be intimidated or scared by my emotions. She never shows them herself and believes in "bucking up and getting on with things" and the "just get over it" thing. I guess this is benificial in some instances, but sometimes I just want to talk about my adoption esp if I'm upset about something and she doesn't really listen or try to understand. Some things I've said over 100 times (not exaggerating) and she still says she doesn't understand what I mean or changes the subject which makes me angry and start to get defensive and critical.

I know you might say "talk to someone else" but I honestly don't have many other people I can talk to. I have college friends but we never really talk about really personal things, especcially things that go back into childhood etc.

I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall, why does she do this?

Answer 1

She's living in make believe land and hopes that you will feel sorry enough for her that you will forget about your feelings and your internal desires and instincts. Sorry, but she has had how many years to deal with the fact she couldn't give birth to you.  I'm sure she's been there for you and loved you all the way but she needs to put herself aside. You gave her what she needed now she needs to face reality and give you what you need, "unconditionally".  This is something many Ap's have trouble with, "unfortunately".

ETA: She trying to take you hostage "emotionally". Many emotionally unhealthy people do this in relationships.

Tell her that you want the both of you to get into therapy. If she doesn't then it will show you how much she really cares about you. She sounds a little touched in the head. She's the adult not the kid. You shouldn't have to be dealing  with her emotional baggage.

Answer 2

Hi Dawacky,

You have had really great advice from other adoptees here.  I just have a little tidbit to add from a different pov.

Sit your amom down and tell her that you want to be closer to her.  Tell her that you need her help in trying to sort thru some things pertaining to adoption.  Explain that this is very personal and you want to discuss these things with her because you trust her judgment.  I'm hoping by prefacing your conversations with compliments, she will let down her defensive behavior and actually listen to you.

You sound pretty mature for your age.  I wish you luck:)

Answer 3

Could your adoptive mother be rather sensitive? She sounds like it from the way she criticizes herself. She seems unsure of herself, her emotions, and/or her bond with you. I'm not sure from your question if she is only this way when the subject is about adoption. If she is, then I would think that she is scared about the subject since you are her adopted daughter. She might be worried you are interested in finding your real parents. The subject could draw out insecurities about whether or not she has been the type of mother you would have chosen. If you regret not going to another family or staying with your original one. Adoptive parents can find the subject of adoption very difficult since it can bring up all of those insecurities. I'm somewhat familiar with this due to never having known my father. My mother can get very defensive whenever I bring up that subject because she fears that I might want to get to know him and that it will cause me to leave her. Your adoptive mother could very well be feeling that same fear.

However, if your mother reacts this way every time you bring up any personal subject, then I would assume that she has been taught to be distant and to shy away from personal subjects. Some adults seem somewhat childlike in the way they handle conflict, stress, emotional subjects, etc. It is like they were never taught how to properly respond to everyday situations and emotions. Instead they tend to shy away from them completely, express an unusual amount of self-criticism, and shut-down when things proceed outside of their comfort zone. Perhaps your mother has always been this way and just hasn't realized it. We don't tend to notice these things about ourselves on our own, so maybe sit her down and tell her how you feel when she reacts the way that she does. Try to remain calm and rational during the conversation. If emotions get too high it might be best to give it a rest for the time being and then go back to the subject once emotions are back to normal. Keep trying until things can be worked out or you might end up growing frustrated by her behavior in the future, which could then lead to resentment. It might be hard and rough for awhile, but at least you will have the peace of mind you will get from knowing you are doing everything you could possibly do by handling things in an adult manner. The rest will all be up to her.

Good luck! I hope everything works out well for you, and soon.

ETA: I just saw what you added about the manipulating. I'd still suggest trying to talk to her about this. Be honest about how she makes you feel if things don't get better or nothing else gets through to her. Just remember that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself if things don't improve between the two of you. It takes the effort from both sides in order to make a relationship work. Having it be one-sided (you trying to improve things while she refuses to listen or even try) just doesn't work in the fully functioning adult world. Unfortunately, sometimes there is a role reversal when it comes to the parent/child relationship. You can sometimes out-grow your parent in the maturity category. There is nothing you can do if she refuses to listen or cooperate in any way. Hopefully she will take your feelings and thoughts seriously enough to repair this before it is too late. If not, maybe some space will improve things once you are living on your own. Not having you around could give her a chance to reflect on how her behavior was pushing you away.

Answer 4

Just my opinion, but families - biological or adoptive - are not always the best at accepting anything other than the "family line". I think many families are pretty rigid in their thinking.

I am a mother who lost her child to adoption. Does my mother understand my feelings? No!!! And she never will. She relates to me in one particular way, and that is in the way in which each of us play a role in our families - and have for many years. In many ways there is nothing wrong with this, this is what gives comfort to many family members, but if you are looking for validation in areas that are new to your family I don't think that you can expect them to see things differently. (Not saying they can't, and wouldn't it be wonderful if they could, but they might not be able to do so.) However, unless you mother is adopted, she  will never be able to truly understand your feelings of adoption anymore than my mother will ever be truly able to understand what it is like to lose a child to adoption.

As an adult looking for some of these answers, I really suggest you go outside of the family unit to explore your feelings. Otherwise you're going to get sucked into your amom/adads feelings which are separate.

The tough part is finding someone who knows something about adoption who is not biased in their opinion about adoption.

If you are in college, go to your college's mental health resources. ASK if they have anyone experienced in adoption issues - if so ASK what their experience with adoption is. If they say adoption is "wonderful" or "horrible" - red flag - don't go there. Do you feel comfortable talking with an adoptive parent, and adoptee, or a mother who lost their child to adoption? If they fit the bill and you don't feel comfortable keep looking. The next step might be to ask if there is anyone with grief experience, or anger management, or whatever it is that YOU feel is most important. Interview these people, pick one, and if you don't have a good feeling find someone else.

There are also others who do phone consultations who are knowledgeable about adoption:

Marylou Russell - adoptee - I think

Joe Soll - adoptee

Nancy Verrier  - amom

If money is an issue always ask people if they have a sliding scale fee or other alternatives.

If your mom is intimidated or scared by your emotions she probably needs to do some work herself. Sounds much like my mother - suck it up and get on with life. Unfortunately, adoption doesn't work like that - at least not for me. I NEED to talk about this stuff and if someone can't listen because of their own fears/insecurities it just isn't going to work.

wishing the best for you.

Answer 5

I agree with independent that you should tell her that you'd like to get family counseling.  Sometimes people need to be told to pay attention to something by someone other than the person they're emotionally intertwined with in the situation.  It may be what she needs to be able to "hear" you.  Good Luck.

Answer 6

Why do you talk about adoption with her?  She will never understand, and I'm sure it makes her uncomfortable.

I'm sure we've invited you, so feel free to visit us here:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

Answer 7

You would think after all these years they would have faced their issues that cause them to not be supportive of how you're dealing with the reality of adoption and its impact on your life.

Its so wierd to me. My adad is the same way, he's rather not talk about it. I think it may, in part, have to do with some of the generations stigmas and how they were raised. I don't know why they can't just let go of it all though and just FEEL dammit.

I wish you luck.

Answer 8

I think....they dont want to talk about it because they dont know what to say about it.  My mom is the same way...never shows her emotions, ect.  Maybe try again but say it bothers you how she cant talk about it or ask why?  Dont give up till you get an answer.  Goodluck!

Answer 9

Dear Dawacky,

I am sorry you are going through this. Some adoptive parents can fear 'the talk' about adoption. Usually, this comes from a fear that you will love your first parents more or want to be with them more than you want to be with your adoptive parents....or just a general fear of the unknown. I would suggest that you sit with her and tell her honestly that you love her, but that you still need to find some closure wihin your own life. You need to be both kind and honest with how you feel. Try not to hurt her and take her fears into account. I don't know if that will make her be more open, but it doesn't hurt to try.

Also, this is a good site for hashing out your feelings about adoption. While not everyone will agree with you or understand you, there are many who have been invaluable and wonderful in their ability to 'get me' and where I am coming from. I sincerely hope that you will return often and ask questions and submit thoughts about your own experiences. I know we can't help you to know more about your specific adoption situation, but we can all offer an ear and some words of comfort and/or advice. I sincerely hope that your adoptive mom will be more open, but this may require some time and gentle prodding on your part. Be loving and honest. Take care.

Answer 10

She probably doesn't know how to react. She is the one who adopted you, yes? Adoption is an extremely personal matter, for all involved, as I'm sure you know. Maybe this is her way of reacting to it.

She seems to  see it as something that happened in the past, and does not need to influence the present. But adoption changes lives; it cannot be forgotten in the past. If she doesn't want to think about it, than the best you can do is accept and understand her beliefs in the matter and let life continue.

Answer 11

I was a grown woman before I realised that I was not the only one who had to make peace with my adoption. My parents were fiercely loving and provided me every advantage in life. So, it never occured to me, that despite how much they love me, they also had had to accept their inability to have biological children.

I finally realised that as much as my mother gave to me and shared with me, she mourned the children she had not felt growing inside her; she battled feelings of inadequacy as a woman and as a wife; and she had occasional doubts about whether her infertility meant she should not be a mother at all. It is possible that your mother shares some of these same experiences. I know you need your mother to support you and to hear you. It may also be true that she needs you to support her, too.

Adoption is something that you share; you both experienced it. I hope that you can find a way to talk about it that lets her share, too, without her having to worry that you will think her doubts and fears ( if she has them ) mean that she loves you any less. Just as I am sure you hope that she understands that your need to talk it about does not mean you love her any less.