My baby throws some really bad tantrums - is this normal?

Question

I was not around any kids growing up - and I do not know much about how they act at certain ages. My 3 year old when she does not get her way SCREAMS bloody murder and I am not sure something is not wrong with her. I hate that she is not talking yet so I know what is goin on. I have tried calming her down - I have tried poping her to let her know I don't like it when she acts up like this - I have even tried letting her cry it out in her room - but nothing seems to work. I have not tested her for autism but serveral people have mentioned it because of her behavior - but she could just be stubborn like my sisters kid. My sister has two boys and she said her youngest threw tantrums like this all the time at that age. What do I do about it though - I don't want her learning that throwing a tantrum gets her way or she will rely on that tactic when she is older.

Answer 1

I feel that it is unnessicarily normal anymore. A lot of kids (most kids anymore) use tantrums to get their way and don't need to. It'll be hard to break at 3 but it can be done with patience.

With my son- as soon as he could crawl- he understood if he needed to cry it was to be done in his room. (Doesn't include injury- that's done in momma's arms though I usually walk into his room to reinforce the "cry zone".) If he tried to leave we would gently pick him up and put him back down in his room and tell him that he had to cry in his room. If he got excessively loud we would pop our heads in and tell him, "Sorry, we can hear you out here and we're trying to (eat dinner, watch TV or whatever) so I'm gonna close the door until you're all done crying." It was never done in a negative way (heck, even adults need to cry sometimes) and it was always clear that he was welcome to take as long as he wanted as long as he didn't come out until he was done. When he was not yet 2 we went to a family gathering where a cousin stole his toy so he started to cry. I excused myself from my conversation and looked at him calmly and said, "If you need to cry I'm sure you can go in Grandpa's room and cry there." He stopped mid-sob, lips a quivering, and walked to the other room to cry there. Of course he didn't know which room was Grandpa's, but it didn't matter. By the time he got through the kitchen the incident was forgotten and he came back to play again. He's 3 1/2 now. Sometimes he'll take five minutes or so and really cry it out but he's only had maybe 2 real temper tantrums ever and usually he decides to suck it up on the spot and inform me that he doesn't need to cry. A tantrum's only power is the audience. Once you take that away they're useless. A kid has a right to get out the frustration by the only way they know how and you have the right to live in a house without listening to screaming.

There are three set-in-stone rules to this method:

1. Don't react. Don't give in to the tantrum and don't pop her or do anything else to let her know you're mad. Even if you (and three neighbors) can still hear her screaming with the door closed don't let on that you can hear.

2. Do it EVERY time. Once or twice won't cut it. Only when you can't handle it because you're trying to make dinner won't cut it. Only when you think it's over something ridiculous won't cut it. As long as she knows that sometimes she gets a reaction out of mom (even if it's just running embarrisingly out of the store) she'll keep it up.

3. Let her know you love her. When she's having a rough day and having to cry it out a lot go in to her and sit on her bed and give her a hug. Tell her that you can tell she's upset and that you want her to be happy. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Say all these things even if she doesn't have the words right now to answer. Just wait until the tantrum is over. It will let her know that you support her ability to calm herself down on her own. Plus, we all know that tantrums get under your skin but in the end we just love them so much and want nothing more than for them to be happy in life.

Still definately test for Autism just in case. You should be able to understand at least a third of what she says by this age. It could just be that screaming has done better for her than talking. Even if she does have some kind of disorder she will need to learn basic human courtesy and that can be done simply by enforcing what all adults know. You may not have been around kids growing up but I can bet that when your co-worker gets screamed at by the boss she knows to hold it in until she gets to her car.

Answer 2

It's really hard to say that it is autism, it could be but you know she has a speech delay.  That is really frustrating for a kid to not be able to communicate clearly.  The tantrums could be from frustration, normal terrible 3's, or from having sensory issues as well as autism.  Really she would need to be evaluated to know what intervention will work best.  If it is just being 3, then you ignore the unwanted behavior until extinct.  If it is sensory issues then you need to provide the sensory input that she needs.  If it is frustration, then you need to be patient and help her communicate immediately, most kids with speech delays use either sign language, nonverbal gestures, and also picture exchange PECS or a combo of these.  I would try to get her into a neurologist, and while you are waiting for that appointment, have an OT look at her for sensory issues.

Answer 3

I have a 4 year old neice who does the same thing. And my 2 yr old does it too... My neice i handle her differently than mu son. She knows what she is doing. I calmly try to talk to her and if she kicks me and screams she is made to stand in the corner until she can settle down. Or if she is just not having it sit her in the corner a different corner and call it reflection time for her to figure out what she did and why it is not acceptable. My son I put him in his chair and tell him to calm down and when he is done I will talk to him. It has worked for them. Good luck.. be calm and persistant!

Answer 4

They call it "Terrible Two's", but it is really the "Horrible Three's" that will get ya.  My daughter used to have worse tantrums when she was three than she did when she was two.  However, you mention that your daughter doesn't talk yet.  That concerns me.  She should be able to tell you in basic sentences what she wants.  Discuss your concerns with your pediatrician.  He/she can recommend testing to verify that your child is either having normal temper tantrums or has an issue that needs attention.  Good luck!

Answer 5

You have to set some limits and let her know that it is not always going to be her way.If you keep on doing this and giving her her way she is going to think that whenever she doesn't get her way she will resolve it with a tantrum.What you should do is what I did with my 3 year old daughter,set a special place where she can sit alone and put a chair facing the wall and whenever she does this, sit her down facing the wall until she calms down and knows that she did wrong and that it's not going to be what she wants and be sure to try to explain why you put her there.It will be hard at first but if you stick with it, it will give you good results.