My best friend of 30 years declines invitation to attend my son's wedding. I am hurt. What shall I do?

Question

I live in Italy; only home for the summer. We have been friends for many years. She is making excuses not to go to the wedding, saying she's busy. How shall I address this w/o killing our friendship, as I am very hurt and disappointed in her reaction.

Answer 1

It isn't her son, and perhaps she is busy.  I personally think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.  Trust her, and give her the benefit of the doubt that she actually IS busy.

Answer 2

Maybe she is broke and can't afford to miss the work, or to buy a special outfit. She just might be telling the truth. You'll just have to have a good long talk with her and ask her if she doesn't want to be there.

Answer 3

So she is busy that day.  No big deal.

Why would you throw away 30 years of friendship over something like this?

The answer is . . . no reasonable person would.  Just because she is unable to attend your son's wedding does not mean that she is not your best friend.  

When one sends an invitation, the guest always has the option to accept . . . or the option to decline.  So your pal declined.  No big deal.

Answer 4

Find out her real reason why- it may surprise you. I bet it has nothing to do with something against you. Ask her straight out, she's been your friend long enough.

Answer 5

It's an invitation, not an obligation.

Tell her 'I'm so disappointed you won't be able to share the day with us. You will be missed" and leave it at that.

Answer 6

How well does she know your son? She's not obligated to attend, and I bet she'll send a nice gift. At least she's responded. Let it rest, and above all, don't let it ruin the special day! It's her loss- your job is to enjoy the day, and make sure your son and daughter in law enjoy it too.

Answer 7

How come this is a little thing, but when it is between a bride/groom it is reason to call it off because of the type of silverwear (example)? I would take offense to someoene not coming to my wedding that was a family friend for that long. Plane tickets aren't that expensive. 30 year friend should try and get there for any reason. Unless they are dying or something equally bad.

Previous poster, maybe your sis' are upset that you spent money to go to sister 1 's wedding but not hers? That seems a little biased.... You could have always talked to the school and saw if you could take finals another day... ;)

Answer 8

she may honestly have another obligation..especially if she has to travel overseas. The cost of gas is enough and airlines are jacking prices up as well...it's not as easy to do things anymore. If your son is having a videographer, send her a copy of the dvd

Answer 9

Oh, im sorry to see you feel like this. Well maybe she genuinely is busy, or maybe she has other commitments that she needs taken care of. Just go on with the wedding, and once its over, do talk to her that she hurt your feelings. Little things like these are not good enough to break a bond of 30 years.

Answer 10

It's an invitation, not a jury summons.  You should simply graciously accept her decision, and possibly arrange to get together with her while you're in town.  

If you address this with her, you WILL kill your friendship.  I went through a similar situation with 2 of my siblings earlier this year, who insisted that my entire family (husband and 2 teens) attend their weddings.  We took the kids out of school for 2 days, and spent money we REALLY didn't have to travel to the one wedding, but put our foot down on the 2nd.  It was close to the end of the school year, and both my children had school obligations in the form of final exams and tests.  Only my husband and I went to that wedding.  There is STILL resentment and anger (and these weddings were in January and April) between my sisters and I.  Your friend is an adult, treat her as such, respect her decisions, and recognize that she can't put her life on hold simply because your son is getting married.

Answer 11

Unless she also lives in italy, I feel you are being unreasonable. You can't expect someone to do all that traveling. Get over being "hurt" and tell her you are sorry she won't be able to come.

Answer 12

unless u were also spotting airfare, i would do the same as ur friend.our economy is in trouble over here and we r pinching pennies left and right.

Answer 13

Hi.  I think others have misunderstood your question.

YOU live in Italy, but are home (in the U.S.) for the summer and to attend your son's wedding.  I am also assuming that the friend lives in the U.S. and the wedding is in the U.S.

Anyway.....there is really nothing you can do.  Perhaps she does have a good reason, but I think I would talk with her before the wedding.  Perhaps she is low on funds and feels unable to afford a gift so that is the reason why she doesn't want to come to the wedding.  Or, perhaps, there is another legitimate reason.  In any case, I think I would make it a point to talk with her and say ....."hey Sally, I was just wondering why you will not be able to attend Jason's wedding?"  See what she says.

I can totally sympathize with you.  My own husband's sisters did not attend our son's wedding (their own nephew!)  same state, same town.  No travel involved!  It is really hurtful, I know.

Answer 14

This is an odd situation, & as far as I'm concerned doesn't really make any sense as to why she would refuse your invitation after being friends w/her for such an awful long time.  That's a lot of yrs. of frienship & I'm sure over the yrs. you've both shared in many important things.  This especially being your son's wedding doesn't sound like something "usual" for a friend to do.  I can't understand what would be so important that she couldn't just go to the ceremony if unable to go to the reception.  I can surely understand your complete feelings regarding this.  The only thing that comes to my mind would be "I just don't understand".  What else can you say, as that pretty much is exactly how you must feel.  I don't see how saying something as simple as that would ruin 30 yrs. of friendship.  IF it did, then there's something drastically wrong somewhere/somehow. She certainly must know you did not expect to get that answer from her of all people, so some kind of a reply coming from you surely shouldn't surprise her... BTW, IF it is that she would have to travel to Italy for the wedding, then money could be her object, & she's embarrased to tell you that..Just a tho't..Only you would know that also tho...All best wishes...:)

Answer 15

just  tell  here

Answer 16

It could be costing her too much to go to the wedding or she may have something else planned that day. Just talk to her face to face and see what she says. Also, my mom's friends won't have anything to do with me because of the way I acted when I was a lot younger. That could have something to do with it.

Answer 17

Just tell her that you feel hurt and ask her why she doesn't want to attend. Try not to get mad at her - just express how you are feeling. Maybe there is something else going on in her life that she hasn't told you about.

Answer 18

tell your son that your very good friend is very sorry she will miss his wedding.  tell your friend that you will send her tons of photos.  peace

Answer 19

go on as usual,that's his decision.

Answer 20

first off all stop saying shall it's the stupids word and second off all just tell her that your really hurt that she cant come and tell her you want to know the real reson she wont come.

Answer 21

She may have personal or financial reasons for not attending. Inviting people doesn't mean you can force them to come. If she says she is busy then she probably is, its not her fault.

Also, does she really know your son? and does your son want her to be there or was she just invited because you wanted her to be there? Its your sons wedding, not yours, if she doesn't want to come, or can't come, then you just have to accept that, whatever the reason.

Answer 22

Timing of weddings doesn't always work for people. Just assume that she has something else going on and get past that.   It likely has nothing to do with you or your son.

Answer 23

Unless she also lives in Italy, I think it is the commute that will cost her too much to afford plus maybe she can't get time off from work. Does she live in the same town as the wedding? Maybe she finds it rude to expect guests to travel during this bad economic times and doesn't want to admit she can't afford to do so? Does she have a husband or boyfriend? Weddings are emotional times for single people and many single people would rather pass up going to a wedding, reminding them of their lonliness. There could be many reasons, but I wouldn't take it personal. Maybe she will still send a card and/or gift as a sign she is supportive of the wedding and wished she could be there. Maybe if you continue being on good terms with her, she will feel comfortable to confide in the reason to you but please don't ruin your long time friendship over this or take it personally until you find out the reason.

Answer 24

There may be other reasons. She may not be able to afford the trip...or even a gift itself....which she might be too embarrassed to admit.

You sent her an invite...it is not something she has to do. I am sure she has her reasons. Just tell her you are sorry she can not be there. And leave it at that.

Answer 25

I don't think there's anything you can do. I understand you are dissapointed because it is important to you that she is there. However, there could be any number of reasons she can't come... maybe it's too expensive and she can't afford it? Maybe she can't find childcare? Maybe she can't get off work? Maybe she is ill. Who knows? But there really is nothing to address with her unless you want to make her feel bad.