My bf who is in his mid 20s kissed another girl - why can't I get over it

Question

Hi, apologies for the length.

I am having a baby with my boyfriend and I'm having serious trust issues due to his past behaviour and my own.

A few months ago, pre-pregnancy, my boyfriend (we are both in our mid to late 20s) of 2 years months kissed a girl at a club while he was drunk. This girl was someone who he had a crush on many years ago, like a decade ago. He then took her out to the movies days later - he said he fell asleep during the movie (I believe that) and was not attracted to her anymore but hadn't seen her for years and wanted to see if the feelings were still there (um hello you have a girlfriend!). He dropped her off home and kissed her good night. He told me both these kisses were just pecks, which may or may not be true.

I'm pretty confused as to what to do - he did not tell me this, I found it out because he was acting oddly at dinner one night about two weeks after the events. I asked him who he was texting, he mentioned a womans name I'd never heard. I asked him if she knew he had a gf, he said yes. Later on the way home from dinner I asked again if this woman knew he had a gf and he said no. My spidey sense was off the ritcher by this point. He said he would text her to say he had a gf and he did. She in fact had seen him at a club a week after the movie date and was texting him asking him why he had ignored her. Long story short I checked his phone against his wishes in front of him and she text back "oops my bad we kissed then" and the story came out. He said it was a mistake he just didn't want to think about again. I text her (she was a very nice girl/woman btw, didn't know a thing about me and felt quite bad) and she confirmed his version of events. We came very close to breaking up but I thought I could get over it as it was just a kiss - the movie date bothers me more honestly.

I've known about this kiss for months but I can't get past it. We had at the time and currently do have a rocky relationship due to the unplanned pregnancy, but I never believed he would kiss someone else. He swears it will never happen again and says it was a mistake and he is definetly no longer attracted to her - there is no contact between them. I just feel like there must be something wrong with us if he was looking for sparks with an old flame. What happens when the next old flame blows into town? I truly believe our relationship has amazing passion and chemistry now I'm worried he's cheating on me and constantly checking his email etc looking to see if he is. Nothing has been found which you'd think would make me happy but it doesnt. I just keep digging and turn things that are harmless into dramas.

Should I try to put this kiss behind me and move on in my relationship? He has never cheated on anyone before, I on the other hand am a former serial cheater (which in part I know feeds my distrust of him - I know how easy it is to cheat and say nothing to your partner) He has s*x only with an emotional connection, so I feel like I don't need to worry about him sleeping with someone else but isn't a kiss bad enough? I don't want to spend the rest of our relationship constantly snooping and questioning him - I don't want to drive him away or into the arms of another woman inadvertantly! I should also mention we live together now, and we didn't when he kissed her.

Help

From Miss Stress Bunny

Answer 1

The biggest problem here is that he's not ready to be tied down. That's why he's going out clubbing and kissing girls. He's seeing if there's someone else out there while keeping you on hold. It's not fair to you, of course, and he's just not ready to grow up yet. I don't know if he will be when baby comes, but now you need to make a decision. If you want this relationship to work out, you're going to have to have an open-heart discussion with him. Ask him where he sees himself five or ten years from now. Is he at home with you and the little boy/girl or is he still out clubbing? Does he feel like he's being pressured into staying or is he staying because he wants to? Lay down what your expectations of him are and also let him know what to expect from you. Figure out what you want and talk it through with him. Figure out what your options are. Perhaps think about adopting the baby out... I know it seems hard, but it will be even more stressful when the baby is here and waking you up every 2-3 hours when you're already exhausted.

Answer 2

Ah thats such a tricky situation. I dont think I could EVER forgive my partner if he kissed another woman, let alone met up with her again. But then im very very unforgiving, I dont know, my heart just couldnt handle that. But its very strong of you to come over it and try to make the relationship work. Its totally natural that you are very suspicious of what your boyfriend is doing now, and I think he will just have to put up with it...its his fault he cheated not yours and he has to suffer the consequences.Just try and be strong for the baby and see what happens witht he relationship. Good luck.

Answer 3

Dear Miss Stress Bunny -- I think you realize as much as this hurts, your history ( of serial cheating ) is robbing you of happiness.  I don't believe he was justified in his actions in the least.   But if you want to be with him, you will have to learn to let this incident go.  For your sanity and nothing else. If he can make you happy outside of this fracture of trust, then don't ruin it for yourself.  No one said it would be quick or easy, plus if you're pregnant your hormones are raging.  Even if he hadn't done this, you'd still have dramatic moments.  This ( incident ) epitomizes all your disappointments and frustrations.  It is just something easy to pull out of a hat -- voila -- now you're upset.  DIRECTIONS:  For instant drama just add water.     As a serial cheater, you have to realize that you were not really happy or in love before.  Yes, it's never a shining moment to have the label of cheater ( for him or you ). But part of being human is learning from mistakes.   Huge learning curve in love and relationships. But you had to go through that to be the person you are today.    Eventually we get it right.  It may not be simple or easy, but when it is right, everything will eventually fall into place.    Answer this question:  Do your instincts tell you that you guys can be happy again?  I know you were floored over the incident, but it sounds as if your relationship continues to grow.  And, you will always be connected to this guy, even if  you guys don't work out as a couple.  If you want this to work it can.  If he disappoints you again, I would call it a pattern.  But at this point,  if you want to be with him, take it at face value -- a one time incident with someone he had always been curious about.  You may not forget, but you will have to forgive if you want happiness to come back to you.   If you don't think you can do this, then move on and quit wasting you energy on this.  You can be happy.  Until you know what will make you happy, it's going to be tough.  Hope you figure it out.  Good luck and congrats on the baby.  Once he's/she's here, you're going to be in a different state of mind altogether.  

Answer 4

Stress Bunny,

I think you should forgive him. If you say, he has not cheated on you after that, and you're having a baby with him , then you need to start being so paranoid and start trusting him. Maybe its your Karma, but I think you feel bad enough, so get over it. Its done for. Live and let live.  

Answer 5

I think it is definitely a bad sign that he basically tried to date another girl while still with you.  It is hard to pinpoint his motives but that is really wrong.  

This is why I don't think you should be living with somebody that you aren't married to.  I know I'll get thumbs down for saying that, but if there isn't a commitment, he will still be looking to see if somebody better comes along.  In my opinion, if you love each other enough to marry each other, there is a stronger commitment and he'll know that he shouldn't be looking for somebody else anymore because you are it...for life.  I'm really not trying to be judgmental, but if you want to feel you are in a secure relationship, you should have waited for marriage before playing house or having kids.

I'm not even religious or Christian, but in my observations of other people's relationships, I've noticed that most people in committed relationships are much happier than people living with boyfriends.  There is too much insecurity when you play the cohabitation game.  It is like you are sort of committing to each other, but leaving the door open in case it doesn't work out.  Now, with a kid involved, it gets a lot more complicated.

Answer 6

Well i can relate to how ur feeling...

and how you alway think in the back of your head thet theres more to the story than hes telling you... but he could be telling you the truth.. and i just think you should put it behind you you dont need to stress youself out especially with your little one in your tummy...BESIDES you guys are starting a NEW LIFE together  and by accusing him and not trusting him u might just drive him away

BUT if your honestly turely cant get over the fact that he kissed another girl.. just comfront him like a mature female.. cause i know how i get..LOL and they hate when u cry..

JUST tell him that you love him and there isnt anything in this world that would change the way you feel for him..and you dont want him to get mad for bringing this up nor do you want to fight about it either... but its just that you cant help but think that something more HAPPEN between him and the other female... tell him that u need closure with that and your not gonna get mad, sad but not mad. JUST TELL ME WHAT REALLY HAPPEN? BE HONEST...

you might get i told u already what happen..then SAY okay i believe you...and in worse cases you might get the real truth so BRACE YOURSELF.

so i hope this helps.. TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK!!!!

Answer 7

Well, this is a question that's hard to answer because it's more of a mental thing.  If someone loses your trust, they just can't gain it back just like that.  I don't think your crazy, I understand you perfectly. (maybe that means I'm crazy...JP.) but really, you have to realize that not all relationships are perfect.  People mess up.  And this probably won't be the first time he pisses you off (not that I think he'll cheat again.  I mean he may make other mistakes.).  So you just need to sit down and do a mental excercise.  Here's what I do when I'm having trouble keeping someone in my life, or if I'm in a big fight with someone.

1. Get out a piece of paper

2. Divide it in half by drawing a line (easy so far right? ;p)

3. label one side "GOOD" and the other "BAD"

4. list all of the good on the good side and all of the bad on the bad side.

5.  When you're finished, look at the list.  If the good side outweighs the bad, stick with the relationship.  If the bad outweighs the good...well, as hard as it may be with you being pregnant and all... time to hit the road.

After you do this, if the good outways the bad, then you need to chill.  He may be a really nice guy, but a person can only take so much.  If you are constantly checking up on him, and snooping in his things, chances are, he won't want to put up with you.  You know what it's like to be a cheater, and you know the signs, and if he's not showing any of them.  Trust him.  Remember-- "I forgive you" translates into "I'm willing to put the past behind me and give it another try."  So do just that.

Answer 8

dump him.