My boyfriend's Mother has demanded that I have an abortion?

Question

I am 11 weeks pregnant. It was unplanned and when I told my boyfriend of 4 years (he's 24 and I'm 21) he seemed be willing to follow me down whatever path I chose, whether it be keeping the baby, aborting, or putting him/her up for adoption. I haven't finished college and make barely enough to support myself. For pecuniary reasons, I wasn't going to tell my parents and have an abortion, but they found out anyway after my mother went into my personal files and found my 8 week ultrasound picture. I went to get an abortion yesterday, but I walked out before having the procedure done. I couldn't go through with it. My boyfriend seemed to understand, but all during the ride home tried to persuade me to go back next week to get it done and over with. His mother called while we were sitting in the car together and he told her that I didn't go through with it. I heard bits and pieces of this conversation; "What?!... What is she, confused?... Oh, that's a big mistake... That's just the wrong decision..." I was stunned by the lack of sensitivity, but I understand why he and his mother share congruent thought patterns. Just for the sake of background to shine some light on this, my boyfriend and I have been talking about moving in together by autumn and trying to carve out our own path in the world- you know, get our own place and make it work together as a team. Then the pregnancy happened, which was an enormous surprise. You see, I was anorexic since age 12 (better by 20) and told by several physicians that I would have significant fertility issues in the future. Apparently, that was all B.S. because I am now in this situation, eventhough we have always been very cautious (using birth control). My boyfriend has always been a huge support (with my eating disorder and everything else in my life), but is not very keen on being a father right now. He has two friends with pregnant girlfriends, and all of his other friends look at these people with immense disdain (because they are new relationships with MAJOR issues). I can understand that he doesn't want his friends to talk about him behind his back like that, but this is different. This is between he and I, not us and them. My parents on the other hand are rather wealthy, conservative types that would rather see me have the baby than abort it. They have actually offered me their unconditional financial and emotional support. My boyfriend's father (with whom he has a good relationship, but also absconded to Texas when he was 18 and stopped paying child support to his two younger sisters) is also rather excited about the pregnancy. His mother is vehemently against it for a multitude of reasons. I'm sure that the way his father walked on his sisters has something to do with it. But nonetheless, I would be primarily going through with the abortion for my boyfriend and his mother- to keep the peace and get back to life as we knew it. Just him and I together, going out all the time, carousing, smoking, having fun with friends and saving for trips to Europe together. He has told me that the main reason why he is against this is because he is simply not ready and will not be the kind of father he wants to be someday. I would be gipping him out of this opportunity. He can barely support himself, he's too young, it will cramp his style, we will not be able to do the things we used to do together, we don't have a house or a yard, careers, or money to dote on the kid, etc, etc. He has a full time job, but hasn't finished college either. He told me yesterday, "Hey, at least we know that we can get pregnant in the future!"

Answer 1

don't get an abortion its not the baby's fault you didn't plan for it. its murder. i do think that adoption is a good idea. your a bit young and a baby would put a lot of restrictions on your social life. adoption would mean the baby would get a loving family that was ready for it and you could keep in touch with the family. if you do decide to keep the baby you will have to make a lot of sacrifices but it will be worth it in the end. good luck with whatever you choose but please listen to what i said about abortion

Answer 2

This is a tough one, all the what it's. Let's just simplify it, when it comes down to it all....IT'S YOUR CHOICE! It's your body and you will be the one to have to go through the whole thing and live with the decision not anyone else even your boyfriend! I understand the concern that your boyfriend has about wanting to be a good father and what have you but you can be a great father and not have all the money in the world. I got pregnant at 17 and my boyfriend (now husband) was 21. We weren't ready....I was still in high school. A decision  had to be made and I chose to keep the baby. We struggled, we had no help. Although my family supported me there was no financial help and it was tough. Yeah we thought about an abortion and my hubby thought the same way your boyfriend did. I choose otherwise and he could either support me or leave. If your boyfriend is the man you think he is in the end he will support you too. Forget his mother, concern noted but really what does she really have to do with it in the grand scheme of things? If you choose to keep your baby you will find your own way and make it work for the best. I hope you make the right decsion for you! Good Luck and remember the people that are really there for you will always be there no matter what choice you make!

Answer 3

If you want this baby, don't abort it. It sounds like you sort of do want it, especially since you said all you've been through and how you thought you'd have fertility issues. You really need to talk to your boyfriend again and let him know that your parents are very supportive. He might be pleasantly surprised. Good luck.

Answer 4

i agree with the other lady, but look into adoption, so many people out there want kids and cant get pregnant, and you would be helping some poeple out. i would suggest that as the best option. Let someone else who can afford a child do it. And hopefully one day you will be blessed again with the oppurtunity to have a child when you two are actually ready!

Answer 5

This guy told you what he thinks and how he feels, now it is up to you and you don't want to have an abortion, so don't.  I can garuntee that either two things will happen.  You will have the baby and he'll walk away and so will his Mom, or you have the baby and they both fall in love with him/her.  Usually the second happens more than the first if this guy is supportive now.  He may not be able to be the father he wants to be one day, but he IS a father whether he wants to be or not.  I would seriously tell him that you are NOT going to have the abortion and tell him that maybe you guys should cool it for a while and have a separation to rethink your relationship.  He'll either run away or run closer.  Give him that space because he should have the choice to continue a relationship or not, with or without the baby.  Having some breather time may give you some heads up that you don't know about yet like how you feel or what you want.  Make sure if he doesn't stick around that you get DNA testing done and the courts and custody stuff over with as soon as possible.

As for financial, rarely is ANYONE ready to have a baby financially.  I was $40 000 in debt and in the middle of a divorce when we found out we were having ours.  We ended up staying together and got some counselling and had to go bankrupt because we BOTH lost high paying jobs because of the car industry here in Canada.  You can plan and save all you want, but in the end, anything can happen and anything did happen to us.  Today I'm an at home Mom and my husband works in construction and we live on $2000 a month. That's $24000 a year and seriously, we're JUST getting by, but we're happy.

Just after our bankruptcy we had to stay with my Mom and we found out we were going to have our second baby.  She told us to either get out or have an abortion.  We decided to take what money we did have and get our own place.  Point is, priorities change, people change and situations in life change but abortion is forever.  Once you make that choice, you can NEVER take it back even if you'd give your own life.  If you do opt for an abortion, make sure it's something you can live with down the road.  As well, even if you have an abortion there is no garuntee you'll stay together and have a family together down the road.  You could be left high and dry with no baby and he could be thinking how lucky he's been.  

My advice, have the baby because you obviously want to and the rest will take care of it's own.  If he's not man enough to own up to it, that's his problem, not yours.  TWO people make babies and him and his mother are treating you like it's yours.  It's not, it's his too and he should have a little more backbone.  Stand up for what you want and do it loud because if you don't, you could end up the lonely one out on your own suffering in your pain and he wouldn't bat an eyelash while walking away!

Answer 6

After reading your story, the thing I notice is that you weren't able to go through with it.

I am no psychologist (minor amount of education/training in the area), but that tells me you've got some conflict with the idea inside. I have seen firsthand that some women are very devastated after having abortions. My guess is that you'd regret it, just because you have so much hesitation.

Given that your parents have pledged full support for the baby's life and comfort, you have one question to answer: Is it really worth losing a little one for a lifestyle choice or because the father doesn't feel ready yet?

It is significant, by the way, that you refer to your child as a baby and not with a less personal term (like fetus). That shows you might be so connected to your baby that you'd be seriously hurt if you choose to abort him or her.

Since you see your baby as just that, a baby, then you know the way it really stands, and the real issue at hand. On the one hand, you have a living child to love, raise, and care for, but an unhappy potential mother-in-law and boyfriend. On the other, you have a living child that you will never get back if you abort, and that your parents have promised to help you care for.

In all this...have you considered the baby's opinion on the matter? I know scientists and a lot of other people will laugh at and perhaps scorn me for even suggesting such a little person can have ideas, hopes, feelings, emotions, etc...but they can.

Chucking science and religion out the window, my gut tells me that if a baby is in his or her mom, they want to be alive and want to be a part of that mommy's life. Does yours tell you the same, as a mom?

I'd hope so. Again, apart from any politics or heated debate...I just love babies. I love them alive...and it would be amazing if you decided to give your little one a chance to share life with you. So many scenes are going through my head right now...I've seen the first time a little baby focused his or her eyes four times now, with four different siblings. I've heard four different special laughs, watched four different little first steps...and I am telling you that while you probably can get pregnant again, but not with THIS child. Not with your firstborn. You'll never be able to get him or her back in your life. It's well and good to discuss future pregnancies, but I'm pretty sure you and I both know the issue is about THIS child. The one in your womb right this moment! Is it worth it to you to give this child up up? Will that truly make you happy? will it make the little one inside you happy?

You will be in my thoughts and my prayers, mom. I call you that as a title, as what you are, not because I consider you mine. ;)

Answer 7

Don't do anything for anyone else. You have to live with this for the rest of your life, and obviously you have doubts about abortion because you walked out. Why not give it up for adoption? There are so many women who can't have baby's and would love to give one a good home. Just don't let anyone make your decisions for you.  

Answer 8

u cant have an abortion just to keep the peace in the family if u want ur baby then keep it by the sounds of it ur family will support u even if hes mother doesn't agree with u having kids yet r u going to do everything she wants u 2 for the rest of ur life

u relay need 2 think about this as i think u would of done it the first time u went to the clinic  

Answer 9

ok listen here its your baby you make your decisions  i know your going through tough time my sister went through and shes just 19 she had it when she was 16 having to make a decision by yourself is a tough thing. But if I were you and both parents know i wouldnt have an abortion i mean think about it wouldnt you have missed out on great things just for killing this baby you never know maybe because of this baby you could have your luck changed and have all the money in the world i hope you know that this baby is listening to your typing hearing your thoughts and understanding how you feel... close your eyes and listen carefully ..cant you hear him or her pleading you to stay with it. You can be saving a life now. Ihope i helped enought

- Crystal ( :

Answer 10

Yikes, this is way too serious of a question to be asking just anyone on YA.  You realize that there are a lot of really young kids answering questions on here, I hope.  Talk to who ever you want but becareful from whom you take advice.  You might be resentful if you do something that you feel pushed into so you really have to decide what is best for you today and then never say "what if."

Answer 11

wow! ok well im against abortion. I just really dont like the idea of killing an unborn baby.its murder. I think u should at least have the baby. Then u can decide if ull be able to keep it or of u should put it up for adoption.

Answer 12

There is obviously something inside your head telling you and giving you signs that you want this baby, its evident!  Do what you feel is right for you--NOT JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE between families.  They will have to get over it and will love that baby no matter what they felt before it was born!  

You have to make this decision- please keep in mind what you said about having YOUR families support and love.  Thats all you need.  No one is really ever ready to be a parent, it comes with instinct.

If YOU really want to have your baby- you will just have to tell daddy-to-be that he has to cope with it and be there for you and support your decision.  

The minute you find out your pregnant your thoughts are what counts right then and there.  If you thought "Im going to be a mommy"  that exactly what you actually want... to be a mommy and to have a baby!  If you thought otherwise then you know what you would have to do.

I am pro-choice all the way and feel that If someone really wasnt able to have a baby then they should do what they think is right.

I wish you all the best in your decisions and always remember that everything happens for a reason and not to let ANYONE decide your destiny.  

xoxo

Good Luck!

Answer 13

This is a really long question for a simple answer.  It's your choice...just make th eone you can live with.

Answer 14

It's not up to anyone but you. If your parents are supportive, then I'd carry the pregnancy out. I don't believe in abortions, except for extreme circumstances. And just because you got pregnant this time does not necessarily mean you can definitely get pregnant in the future. There are plenty of people out there who have 1 kid, and can't conceive another.  This might just be a gift from God. Adoption would be a good way to go rather then abortion. But alot of people try adoption, then see their baby, and want to keep it. I had my first baby when I was 20, and my second when I was 21. We didn't have alot of money, but we cut back on our spending, and made it work. I would not trade my kids for anything in this world. As for your boyfriends mom, she needs to butt out. It's not her baby, and its not her decision. If your boyfriend is not ready to be a father, he might change his mind once your child is born. And saying that a baby will "cramp" his style isn't very mature. So he definitely shouldn't be making this decision if traveling is more important than a life that YOU BOTH created.  My husband was 23 when he became a father, he didn't think he was ready at first either. But he is the BEST Daddy a kid could have. Things change. A baby is a blessing. Do what you feel is right. The decision is ultimately yours and yours alone. There are tons of single mothers out there, who do wonderful jobs. Being a mom just comes natural. Babies are a precious and beautiful thing. And it seems like you are mature enough to be an amazing mother, with or without him. If your parents support you, thats more than enough. Best of luck to you.

Answer 15

Its your body, your baby. s***w her. the decision is between you your bf and the baby. Please think it through though, i myself went through the same thing. William (now 2 yrs old) was unplanned, and unwanted at the time. It was a tough decision but i decided to take the hardship. Now i wouldn't give him up for the world. We r raising him the best we can on min.wage jobs. A word of caution though a baby can put a strain on a relationship, the love must be strong if you've been together 4 yrs, work hard to keep it. Good Luck from the bottom of my heart.

Answer 16

no,no,no.right now, not to offend you, you sound like one of those woman who lets other people make decisions for her and take advantage of her.its YOUR body and its your child. dont let your boyfriend or your boyfriends mother decide for you what to do with your body.you said it would cramp your boyfriends style. are you serious?! thats not a good enough excuse. AND dont be so sure you can get pregnant in the future. maybe this was a sign from the person upstairs saying it was time for a blessing after going through the anorexia problem for so long...all in all, whatever you do i respect you of course, but dont let other people decide!and if your parents are rich conservatives, how are you barely getting by by yourself...well,good luck

Answer 17

well seeing how he is pushing you to do something that you really dont want to do i would say im sorry but if you cant make up your mind and have your mother tell you waht to do i am leaving you and i will live with my parents. not everyone is ready when they t pregnant but having an abortion because your not ready is no reason at all make it work. i was 18 when i got pregannt i had just started dating the father and we were togher for 6 months that by all means were not very easy but i stayed knowing that things will get better cuz WE made them better we worked our asses off we got help when we needed it i mean there are programs out there for people who need financial help. and to his lil smart *** remark tell him yes i can get pregnant now but after an abortion it will alot harder. Plus all the emotional h**l you will go through each time you see an infant or infant clothing or something you will get depressed beleive me i know i helped many of my friends deal with their emotional issues after abortions. it will be hard but he just seems a lil too selfish and doesnt have the balls to state his mind to his mother. if you want to keep the baby then do it i mean go live with your parents and get their support take advantage of that not many people can go back to the parents for support.

congrats by the way

Answer 18

Adoption, you are not ready to be a mother and he's not ready to be a father.

No reason the child or you should suffer.

Answer 19

First of all 24 yrs. old is not young. He's a man n he needs to stand up and take responsibility for his actions. You both made this baby, now to h**l with his mother and other issues, face it and go from there.

You walked out of the abortion clinic because you want this baby, because you've already formed a bond with it and getting an abortion will only have a huge psychological affect on you.

Goo dluck with whatever you decide, you sound like a strong person already because you've been through a lot. Give your child a fair chance to survive as well, it's the least you can offer it.

Answer 20

Im sorry i couldnt read after all of that.. i stopped right after this sentence..

I went to get an abortion yesterday, but I walked out before having the procedure done. I couldn't go through with it.

your pretty much answered the question yourself.. no matter how much the father your mother or the mother in law doesnt agree with it.

Congratulations and goodluck.

Answer 21

This is a really long question.  Basically, it is not her decision to make.  You should talk to a counsellor at the abortion clinic, they are much better able to handle your emotions surrounding this pregnancy than YA posters

Answer 22

PLEASE DONT KILL GIVE IT UP FOR ADOPTION SOMEONE ELSE CAN TAKE CARE OF IT...OH AND ABORTIONS SOMETIMES CAN MESS UP INFERTILITY HAPPENED TO MY COUSIN..THINK OF IT THIS WAY WHAT IF URE MOTHER ABORTED U..WOULDNT U HAVE WANTED TO LIVE..WITH SOME FAMILY THAT WANTS U OR DIE..THINK ABOUT IT!

Answer 23

This is very long, they should have limits on the words of the question. I just read the title of the ques. You are grown, and it's ur body, do what you feel is right, she'll get over it trust me.

Answer 24

I can tell from your elaborate question that you are an educated, sensible person.  If your parents will emotionally support you, and you have any doubts about an abortion, then you should have your baby.  Later on in life, when you are married, either to this boyfriend or to another one, would you really like to look back and regret taking your child's life?  Believe me, as a mother, there is nothing more beautiful than a baby.  Please don't take this the wrong way, since I could have been in your situation also in college (meaning I was having s*x with a long term boyfriend), but this is why you should have discussed your feelings with him before having s*x.  It is a big responsibility, and now you know birth control is not foolproof.  Talk to your parents again before you make your decision, you need to plan out how you are going to finish school and live the rest of your life, and you are very lucky to have them be so supportive.  If your boyfriend can't live with your decision, then he is not worth keeping. I am so sorry to tell you that. Cramp his style?  He should have thought of that before.  I can tell you that you will love your child like no one you have loved before.  Good luck whatever you decide to do.  ** to add:  Sorry, but if you able to take care of your baby yourself, you should.  Once you see your beautiful child, I don't think you will want to go the adoption route!  It is not like you are 14.