My boyfriend's son is returning from his mother's house?

Question

My boyfriend's 10 year old son goes to his mother's house practically across the country every summer. Shortly after he left this summer, Jim (my boyfriend) and I moved in together, and though we are not married, I will be playing some sort of parental role when the kid returns, and Jim and I do plan on getting married in the next year or two. His son Hunter is returning in a week, and we always got along fine and Jim said that Hunter said he really liked me, he doesn't really throw tantrums, and from what I've observed and Jim has told me, he doesn't really cause a lot of trouble.

But my real question is: I am 22 years old, just graduated college, and have never had a child- in fact I never even babysat for anyone's children when I was a teenager. I am very new at this, and I'm sure that there's a lot to parenting that I don't know about. I don't plan to spoil or baby him, but I plan to treat him with respect. Any advice?

Oh, and Jim is 33.

Answer 1

bad move on dads part. Although the boy is only 10 years old, he should have had some input on your moving in.  Imagine you going away for the summer and coming back to some one else living in the house without your input. This is not going to make the kid happy. Hope it works out.

Answer 2

It sounds as though you have a level head on your shoulders and are mature enough to handle the situation.  Sometimes going with your instinct is the best way to handle things.  At 10, the boy is mature enough to recognize whether or not you are sincere in the way you treat him.  Be yourself, don't try to be his parent.  His response to that would be, "You're not my mother!"  Be his friend and confidant, but encourage good behavior.  Your last sentence said it all--you plan to treat him with respect.

Answer 3

you must be serious about your life. you will have to love the boy as mother and bring him up as real mother and for this as there is love you will have to sacrifice a lot as you love the boy and his father. you can experience the mother's love in bringing up the boy and looking after the father [your boy friend] as a sincer wife. if you aRE SO INTERESTED BY LOYAL TO BOTH as mother and wife.

Answer 4

Hopefully Hunter is aware of the new circumstances he will encounter.  Having estabished house rules would be helpful; everyone knows what is expected of everyone else.  Don't be surprised if he is pleased with the situation, only to become "less pleased" as time goes on.  Be sure to give father and son plenty of guy time, too; time when you aren't involved in the activity.  You must also make it clear that you are not trying to be his mother.  While dad should be the main disciplinarian, you should be given the respect you deserve as an adult in charge (thus the reason for well stated rules)

Note:  I do not agree with your living arrangement and think it sends the wrong message to a child, but, of course, each of us makes our own choices.

Answer 5

That is all you need to do.........treat him with respect and he will reciprocate. You are not his parent and short of asking him if his homework is done, you should never discipline him........that is his fathers job. I guarantee if you try to he will resent you and throw the "you are not my mother" at you. If there is an issue, tell your boyfriend and allow him to handle it. Also, his father should set house rules and see that they are met.

Answer 6

Especially, since you are not the parent, you need to be on the same page as the father as far as discipline and rules. He needs to aprise you of his expectations of the boy and he needs to set some boundaries between the two of you (respect, room for error etc....) BE patient and non accusatory but observe his patterns so that you can have some idea of what kind of behavior to expect from him. Remember (and I'm sure you do) that this child deserves to play a big part in his dad's life and that any time that is "taken" away from you as his girlfriend is all part of the package.

Answer 7

Wow.....how excitng to get to be apart of a little persons life.  I am a mother of 5 and a stepmom of 2.

The key thing to remember is that you are there to support your boyfriend in his parenting.  I think the biggest mistake that stepparents make is that they try to discipline.  Leave the discipline up to his father, believe me it will make your life much easier. Now, ofcourse this doesn't mean that you should let him disrespect you in any way.

I think it is really important that you and your boyfriend sit down and discuss what your role is and how you should implement it.

When the son comes home maybe you can all go out to dinner(son's choice)and you all can be open and honest about how all of you feel about the situation.  Remember, how you handle this could have a major impact on his life.  I think that you trying to seek advice is such a positive thing to do on your part, it sounds like you are commited to making this work.

Good luck, I love my step children, and I hope you will feel the same about your new  "stepson".