My boyfriend doesn't want to adopt children, why?

Question

I think and feel that all children are the same. As race are all but deviant. But he said that he wants children of his own, from his bloodline, and those who look similar to him. Is this a bit selfish? What of those orphans without parents or proper homes? I'm very humanitarian, I want to adopt children. So would this clash our chances of being together until it eventually drags on to marriage? I want an amenity, of course, otherwise the adopted child will never feel the love from the father side, and it would be my fault because I would enforce the decision (which shouldn't happen). I don't feel like I would want children though, maybe through gestational procedure, because I'm very weak and I don't want to risk my life through complications... And my boyfriend expects me to live until I'm old, which I doubt.

So what should I do or say to him?

Answer 1

"I don't feel like I would want children though, maybe through gestational procedure, because I'm very weak and I don't want to risk my life through complications..."

but you find it appropriate that another woman should endure what you're not willing to so that you can be an "earth mama?"

your boyfriend has drawn the line in the sand.  i doubt anything we tell you will change his mind. besides, people don't take well to being manipulated into major life decisions.

Answer 2

I was raised by my grandparents, my father's parents. When my mom left, my dad asked his parents to raise me. My grandmother wanted me desperately, since she'd never had a girl. My grandfather did not want me. My grandma begged until he relented and they took me. I ALWAYS knew he didn't want me. That is a tough, tough thing to live with. Please don't do this to your future kids, whether its an adopted child he doesn't want or a bio kid you don't want.  

Answer 3

I think it's ALWAYS a bad idea to talk someone into parenting, whether it be an adoptive child, or biological child.  

Answer 4

This is a hard question to answer. I'm in a similar position as you are. I've never felt that typical "can't wait to be pregnant" pull that many women feel. I want kids, and how I get them doesn't really matter to me. I don't care if they look like me or act like me; honestly, there's no way to tell if the child will even look like one (or either) of the parents or if he'll have a similar personality. I feel that if I can afford to adopt, why not? A child needs a home and I have one to offer. I feel like bringing another child into the world means that a child out there has lost a chance for a family.

My long-term boyfriend, on the other hand, wants biological kids. This is something that is really important to him, and something I find most guys want (and care more about than us women, in many cases). We've come to an agreement that we'll do "one for one." We'll adopt one and have one biologically. We're both okay with that decision and I feel that when we do adopt, he'll love that child just as much as a biological one.

One thing for me was that I have several health issues that could be worsened by being pregnant. I explained these issues to him and he said that if it's going to compromise my health to a point where it seriously harms me, we won't have a biological child. We'll see the drs about this when the time comes.

Good luck. This isn't easy. When you love someone so much you have to decide if you give up on your ideals or if you just move on. We were luckily able to meet in the middle and are both happy with the decision, but not all couples are this fortunate.

Answer 5

It is a wonderful thing to feel you can offer a home to a child who needs one; especially if they would have a hard time being adopted because they are older or have behavioural issues etc.  If this is something you really want to do then it would be a big sacrifice to give up your dream.  However it is human nature to want to reproduce to continue your bloodline so I can see what your boyfriend means.  He wants somebody who is a mix of him and you and to continue his family and pass on his traits.  

I personally want both of these things and my boyfriend thinks it is a good idea.  I feel I want to continue the bloodlines of my family and his and see what a mix of our genes is like.  However I feel I could love children who are not biologically mine just as much and I want to adopt an older child who may live in foster care all their childhood otherwise.  I will probably have a couple of biological children then when they are older to adopt.  

Do you think your boyfriend could compromise to a mix of biological and adopted kids?  It is important to check that he thinks he could love the adopted kids as much and that his heart was really into it or it would be unfair on the children.  Could one of you give up what you really want?  It may be that you can't and if you are looking for a relationship that will be long-term and possibly lead to marriage then you both need to find people who share you ideas about a family.  

If you boyfriend could love biological and adopted children as much as each other and you both like the compromise then you need to look at why you don't want biological children.  Talk to your doctor about why you think you are "weak" and research pregnancy to try to ease your fears.  

Answer 6

i think this is something that you definately need to compromise on - maybe have one of your own and adopt one? he's not being selfish he's being human! of course he wants his own children, who doesn't? if you loved him enough you would give him a child! i don't know what you mean about the medical side of things though?? do you have an illness??

Answer 7

Wanting children of your own is a biological imperative. Some people just feel it more strongly than others. If you seriously want to adopt children, which I commend you for, you are going to have to let this boyfriend go. First of all, I don't think any reputable agency would even allow you to adopt if your partner wasn't in agreement. Secondly, this is one of those decisions that are deal-breakers. You either agree and stay together, or disagree and break up. But know that even if it leads to you breaking up, it is the best choice in the long run. It means that you weren't really suited for each other anyway.

Answer 8

We don't know him.  Why ask us?  He's the only one who can answer your question, and if you can't ask him, he's no boyfriend.  Did you ever think he just might not be that into you?

Answer 9

I think the only way he would go for it, is to have a kid naturally first (or even keep trying until you have a boy), and then adopt a 2nd child. I feel very strongly about keeping my family blood line and name going together seeing as how my father was my grandfather's only son, and I'm my father's only son.

This is just one of those things that some people feel strongly about either side of the issue, and nobody is wrong. This isn't like deciding to buy a used or new car, he told you what he wants, and it would be selfish of you to pressure him into adoption, just as it would be selfish of him to put his foot down about not adopting any children

Answer 10

It's not selfish..it's normal for him to feel that way.  Don't think about adoption now anyway..you aren't even married.

Answer 11

Actually he's being very honest with his feelings & I would respect that.  I'm not saying either one of you is right or wrong though.  When you bring in another life both of you have to be on the same page or the child will get shafted.

I never thought it was a huge deal to have somebody born of your bloodline as I never had anybody that I was blood-related.  Then I had a my daughter & realized how important it had been to me as she is the only thing that is of my blood...

Answer 12

Some people just know they couldn't love another person's child as much as they could love their own. You should applaud him for knowing this about himself NOW isntead of once there is an adopted child involved.  

Yes I think this is going to damage your marriage.  If you are going to have possible life-threatening problems from pregnancy, you need to explain that to him.  I don't think he's being selfish.  It may just be time to find someone with your own interests and desires to adopt.

Answer 13

So would this clash our chances of being together until it eventually drags on to marriage?

Yes.

I think some men feel like "less of a man" when they think about adoption or not having their own kids.

And yes it's stupid.

But I don't know what you should tell him, he might be too stubborn to listen.

Answer 14

I would not call it selfish the fact is adoption is not for every person. It is good that you know this now and that your boyfriend was honest with you. I don’t think there is much you can say to him this is how he feels and stands.  What you need to talk about is your relationship. As you should no more feel obligated to have natural children then he should be convinced into adopting. If you would rather adopt children then have biological children you will need to find a man who also wants this or adopt as a single woman one day.  A child should be wanted by both parents regardless if the child is adopted or natural otherwise it not far to the child or the person who didn’t really want the child and only caved to make their partner happy.

Now you could possible ask him how he would feel if you all adopted but also had a natural child as well. Then again he may just be one of those people who can not love a child not of his genetics if that is the case then he should not be an adoptive parent.  If you truly don’t want to have natural children then that wouldn’t work either. Its something you all should talk about openly and honestly. This just may mean as hard as it is to hear that you aren’t meant to be together.

Answer 15

This is not something you can compromise on.  If your boyfriend (if he's not your fiance and marriage isn't in the plans, why is this even an issue?) does not want to adopt, there is nothing you should say or do to try to change his mind.  Some people want biological children.  I don't think I want to adopt either.  I don't think it's selfish and there's not much someone could say to change my mind either.  

So if you really want to adopt and do not want to have biological children, you will need to find a man who shares those same beliefs and choices.

Answer 16

My wife's ex was that way.  I like her way of handling it.  She told him she disagreed with him, but that she would respect his wishes.  Then she had her tubes tied because that was what she needed to do to ensure they didn't have another handicapped child.  

You sound like you both have emotional issues and a family psychologist would be a good option.  

Your wish to adopt comes from some deep fear of pregnancy you appear to have.  It's not "being humanitarian".  That just makes you feel better about your decision to not have children by childbirth.

Your expectation of not living till you're old also indicates an emotional problem you need to face and deal with.

Your boyfriend would do well look into himself to find out why he thinks it's so important to have a child that is of his bloodline.  

I suggest you get counseling and not marry each other if you haven't resolved these issues to the satisfaction and comfort of both of you.  If you marry with these issues unresolved, you will end up getting divorced after a painful marriage.

What do you do or say to him?

Well, that's your decision, not ours.

I'd suggest you tell him that your conflicting feelings and beliefs indicate you two are not ready for marriage or children.  I'd recommend you tell him honestly that neither of you should force the other to live with your own personal decision.  I'd also suggest you tell him you both need counseling to deal with this.

cw

Answer 17

He's not selfish. Its natural for some people to want children from their own bloodline. You know what else, its natural for children to want parents from their own bloodline too. You're NOT a humanitarian for wanting to adopt children. Working with poor families/parents to help them keep their children is far more humanitarian.

You need to research adoption more before even considering it. Read "20 things adoptive kids want their adoptive parents to know", "the primal wound" etc and don't EVER call yourself humanitarian for wanting to adopt.

I'm adopted. I love my adoptive parents but they are NOT humanitarians for adopting me.

Answer 18

Unlike what someone else said, I think this is something you cannot "compromise" on.  His feelings count MORE than yours in this case, because he is the one saying no.  If you were the one saying no, your feelings would count more.  Why?

Because I strongly feel that ANY child should not be brought into a family unless both parents are EQUALLY willing to be parents.  If you are planning on bringing a child (either through birth or adoption) into a family, both parents have to say yes.

This is only for the sake of the child, because it sucks growing up not wanted.  I know he may come around, but do you really want to risk it, and the child's happiness?  I wouldn't want to put any child I have through that.

So, yeah, I think this guy may not be the guy for you.  He has a right to his feelings on this matter, and you need to respect that.

Answer 19

I don't think it's necessarily selfish to want biological kids. Lots of people have a desire to see their own face reflected in the face of their child. The point at which it becomes selfish is if he thought your children would be better than other children, and children who were adopted would be bad or inferior. It's one thing to want to pass on your genes, and another to think only people who share your genes have value. I can't quite tell from your question which category your boyfriend falls into, so I can't give an opinion.

I also don't think you should go into adoption with the idea that you're being a humanitarian. No one wants to grow up being somebody's project. If you truly would love and want an adopted child, great-- but don't treat this as going above and beyond. An orphan in need of a home would have just as much value as a biological child, and shouldn't be treated as some kind of humanitarian mission. Once you're a parent, you're a parent, and you can't see yourself as better than other parents just because of how the child entered your family.

I don't think adoption would be a good idea with your current boyfriend. If he's set against it, adopting a child would only lead to the child feeling unwanted in your home. When it comes to children-- adopted or biological-- the person saying "no" has the deciding vote. Children shouldn't be brought into a situation where they aren't truly respected and loved by both parents.

Whether you can stay together depends on how strong these priorities are. Will he be happy never having a biological child, if you say no? Will you be happy never adopting a child, if he says no? To both of you, are your desires for children more important, or is this relationship more important?

If your boyfriend would not love an adopted child just as much as a child of his own bloodline, you need to NOT adopt together. Whether you stay together or this is the breaking point for your relationship depends on your priorities.

Answer 20

You call ripping apart a mother and child "humanitarian"?

Answer 21

i think you and your boyfriend need to sit down and really talk about what you want out of the relationship, and how you view your life down the road.  BEFORE my husband and i married, we discussed whether or not to have children, whether or not to adopt, etc.  i personally would prefer to adopt if i have any children at all, where my husband wanted biological children.  therefore we decided if we did have children, we'd have biological children first then adopt at least two children.  (for various reasons).

however, my husband is open to adoption, even if he still wants his own biological children (in some ways he would prefer it as it guarantees he'll have the huge family he wants).  your boyfriend is not open.  if this is something that means a lot to you, you should let him go and find some woman to have biological children with, while you find a man who would like to adopt (and there are plenty out there.  there are many reasons for people to not want biological children but want to have a family).

but as other posters said, don't stay with him and try to force him to adopt children.  it'll be bad for your relationship and whatever child you adopt (if they even let you adopt given that he clearly doesn't want to)

Answer 22

What life risking complications...unless you have grave health concerns, people have babies everyday without dying.

If you're too weak to go through pregnancy, adoption and parenting would eat you alive...it is not a quick and easy fix.

If you feel so strongly about adoption, and your boyfriend feels so strongly opposed, you are not a good match.

As an adoption social worker, I have "weeded out" several couples where one was not on board and had to deny them.  Hopefully, a good evaluator can tell and ask the right questions.

Ummm...yeah you wanting to adopt and him not is a pretty major marital issue.