My boyfriend has recently started his search for his birth parents...?

Question

He is 20 years old and has recently been recruited into the US Navy. Since he is in the process of finding his parents, has anyone started or completed their search for their parents? If so, can you tell us about your experience and what were the pros and cons when you found your birth parent(s)? And what is a efficient and accurate adoption registry website?

Answer 1

All my life I only had the most basic info about my b-parents (height, weight, eye/hair color, etc.).  I searched for b-parents when I was in my 40's.  I discovered that they were healthy, married, educated, employed, and had lots of family support at the time of my birth.  They told everyone that I had died as a cover story for relinquishing me for adoption...even had a memorial service for me.  And they have used the story of the baby that died ever since to extract sympathy from their families and scare expectant mothers.  When the court-appointed intermediary contacted them, they were still married.  

My b-mom refused contact.  My b-dad agreed to contact since he probably knew it was his only chance of keeping me from searching for other family.  He actually asked me to sign paperwork to that effect.  Luckily, I was well informed of my rights and knew that I did not need his consent to search for other family.  We had monthly phone conversations for about 6 months.  (I later discovered that about 90% of what he told me was untrue.)   The intermediary handling my case had discovered that I had a full-sibling.  I contacted the sibling...which angered b-dad and he immediately quit his contact with me.  So, I had no further contact with b-parents.

However, I have lots of extended family now...a full-sibling, a grandparent, cousins, aunts/uncles, etc.  who have welcomed me to the family with open arms and warm hearts.  They are the source of most of the information I have about my b-parents and my heritage.

Pros:  I now know my own story.  I don't have to wonder.  I finally have some accurate medical history, that of course my children share.  It was fascinating to discover incredible coincidences and realize that I knew so much without ever knowing that I knew it.  I was able to thank b-dad for allowing me to be born and placing me in a situation where I could and did thrive...I hope he passed that honest thanks on to b-mom.  People that had mourned me as dead now knew that I lived.  

Cons:  B-parents were horrified that their secret was revealed...they complained bitterly and did everything possible to stop the legal process allowing me access to my own records.  I am truly saddened to discover that they are so unresolved with my adoption.  Since I had never looked like any one before in my life, discovering that I look like some one else made me want to have my face removed!  Seeing current day pictures of my b-parents gave me an idea of what I might look like in the future...somehow I think I'd never realized that I would get so old some day.  

I did not tell my a-family about my search.  However, if they ever ask, I will be honest and tell them whatever they want to know.  

Where ever you look, you will hear that reunion is a roller coaster ride.  I definitely agree.  I'd also heard that it doesn't matter what you find; it only matters that you find.  Again, I agree.  I would add that what ever you expect, is what you are least likely to find.  I was surprised by so many things!  I do NOT regret searching.  I would do it all again.

Answer 2

You need to consider SEVERAL adoption registries.  Some of them, I never knew.

I can't really help you much because I was on the opposite end. I found my son earlier this year.  

The biggest problem with finding a first parent is to realize that what you find may not be so good and it will likely be overwhelming.  Many first moms who were beleaguered to give up their children suffer depression the rest of their life. Others have families and those families may or may not know about you.  Lots of different situations.

My son has various problems, not least of which is dealing with loyalties.  Some feel that they can't have a relationship while their a-parents are still alive because it is somehow disloyal. Your BF may find this one of his issues.

Answer 3

possum covered the websites so i will just tell you my story. a little over 8 years ago i found my birthmother. i really wasnt that nervous. i had always known i would find her one day. it was strange at first, we did alot of staring and little talking. we were just amazed with each other. since then she has become a huge part of my life, i dont call her mom, i have a mom, but she is probably my best friend. she had two boys after me (19 and 20 years after me) and they are beautiful and i simply cant imagine my life without them.

i never would have thought we would become so close. and i couldnt be happier with our relationship.

just a couple of months ago we found my birthfather. now, this reunion shook me up really bad. before i met him face to face, i did everything short of have a break down. he was the last piece of the puzzle. i never knew how comfortable and familiar that gap had become. whatever i didnt like about myself i subconsciously passed off to him. now with my impending reunion i had a lot of soul searching to do. and i realized i had to fess up to my own demons and take responsibility for my own c**p.

that is a whole lot easier said than done.

i honestly was physically ill. my stomach was in knots, i was a mess. i wanted to meet him, but i was terrified. it all seems so silly now, but at the time my fears were very real. i think it was so hard because i didnt want to intrude on his life. my birthmother carried a horrible scar from me, but i didnt know who in his life even knew i existed. (come to find out, NO ONE knew)

but we met, and something inside me just melted. my heart sang louder than it had in years, my cheeks hurt from smiling, i felt...complete. and i loved it. and i quickly loved him. he is the most amazing person, i cant even explain it to you. again we had a lot of staring and watching each other, but some of his family was there so there was a little more talking going on.

i had his eyes, her hands, his mothers nose, i was in awe. literally, this was probably the only time in my entire life i was speechless. it was like all the pieces fell right into place.

my story is a happy one and i hope your boyfriend has the same experience, but as you know that may not be the case. just make sure he is ready. you have to really put yourself out on a limb and you have a chance of things not going well at all. talk to him and make sure he is thinking this through.

good luck to you and your boyfriend, it can be a long rough road, i hope he gets exactly what he wants out of this whole experience.

Answer 4

Everyone's done a great job responding.  Possum and PhilM gave you the web sites to register for a reunion.

If he was he adopted through an agency, contact the agency and see if they have also have registry.  He can request "non-identifying" information from the adoption agency.  I discovered I was part Indian, for example.  They may include some non-identifying medical information, as well.

You didn't say what state your boyfriend was born in.  Seven states currently allow adoptees' to obtain a copy of their original birth certificate (OBC).

Alaska and Kansas have never sealed original birth records; Alabama, Deleware, New Hampshire, Oregon, and Tennessee now provide OBC's to adoptees; and OBC's will be available in Maine beginning in Jan. 2009.

I found both my birth parents in the '80's, and have met several bio-siblings. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself.  My a-parents supported me in my search, even though my dad felt a bit threated, fearful he would "loose" me.  He soon realize that wasn't going to happen.  

Hopefully, your boyfriend's adoptive parents are supportive.  

It is an emotional ride.  I made sure I was ready to have a door slammed in my face before sending my first letter, realizing that my birth mom would only be shutting the door on a painful past, and not on ME personally.  Instead, she welcomed me with open arms.  Actually, I wasn't quite prepared for that.  

I expected to feel suddenly 'connected' to her the moment we met (I'd lived with her until I was about 15 months old.)  I was kinda caught off guard by the fact that initially, she was a total stranger to me, while in her eyes, I was her long lost baby.  It felt a bit odd.  But slowly over time, we developed a close relationship.  

I met my birth father 3 years after meeting my birth mother.  Again, I expected him to deny I was his (from the stories my birth mom told me.)  And instead, he wanted to meet me right away.  I looked just like him!  We ate the same pizza and drank the same beer!  Turns out I take after him quite a bit (far more than just pizza and beer. LOL).  

As I said, finding my birth parents is the best thing I've ever done for myself.  They have both since passed away.  I'm grateful that I had more than 15 years to get to know them. That I know and am in regular contact with a couple of my siblings was a completely unexpected and happy surprise.    

Good luck!

Answer 5

just try to be there for him and try to be there incase he is set up for faulure- parents dead, dont want him, ect. you get it

Answer 6

I'm still in the middle of my search.  I have found my first mother, and I'm still looking for my first father.  So far, my reunion with my first mother is going really well.  She has been very open and accepting of me.  

I was hesitant at first.  Very nervous about what all of this meant for me.  And it forced me to deal with a lot of emotions and issues I had buried for many years.  But my first mother was very patient with me.  We are doing pretty well now.

But even so, there have been a lot of ups and downs.  And I have a lot of confusion related to all of this.  

http://www.isrr.net is a must.  

And Possum is right... http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index... has to be one of the best places on the web for support during this process.

Good luck to both of you

Answer 7

You must realize that by having been abandoned (or however you want to put it) you have been altered in such a was as to make it almost impossible to re-join your birth family in any meaningful way. They may look like you, and fulfill a life long dream, but they no longer think like you and cannot understand you and you cannot understand them.

I've never heard of anyone doing what I did, but I found my mom by contacting the doctor listed on my altered birth certificate.

Whoever gave thumbs down has no idea what they're talking about. Ever hear of the Primal Wound? It's not a myth. I'm living it.

Answer 8

Make sure you add his details to ISRR reunion registry.

If his mother's details have been added - and a match is made - they'll match you up. (it's free)

http://www.isrr.net/registration.shtml

Another is at adoption.com

Also if you edit your message to add what state he's searching in - their are some wonderful searching gurus that visit here that may be able to give you more tips.

Here is a link to adult adoptee blogs - there are many - all in various stages of search and reunion - they'll certainly give you many many stories to read -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

(my story is under the blog - titled - 'Possum's Place')

Search and reunion is no easy task. Read as much as you can find - blogs and books - and good list is here -

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

It can be an absolute roller-coaster ride - so be prepared - and just be there for him. It could bring up a whole heap of emotions.

I've find many parts hard - my mother is not very open to contact - although her husband (my father) is. (they married 6 months after my birth)

But no matter - I don't regret searching. It's a journey I felt I had to travel - and I have learned so very much - about myself and about my mother. I have also met other amazing adoptees through the journey through various support groups - both on-line and in-real-life.

One of the best support forums I have found on-line -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I wish you both all the very best.