My boyfriend is a freeloader. I make more money than he does.

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months now. Hes probably the nicest guy Ive been with. Ive had some pretty abusive relationships in the past. Never the less its made me a stronger person. There is only one problem with my now boyfriend. I make pretty decent money for a 22yr old about 30,000 a year. And he isnt making anything nearly close to that. He thinks that its okay that since I make more than he does that I should nt mind paying for things. This HAS GOT to stop. Im not a care taker and im not a bank. I dont know really how to tell him any of this with out sounding rude or hurtful. Money is money to me. Materialistic and it comes and goes. I dont mind spending it on him at all. But a relationship is about sharing and and contributions. Right?? I dont feel much from his part AT ALL. How would I go about discussing this with him with out hurting his pride as a man and as a person??

Answer 1

I can't tell you exactly how to explain it to him but you are right, it is something he needs to hear.  Be as delicate but firm as you can (I know, an oxymoron).  A man's pride is a very fragile emotion.  Good luck.

Answer 2

Money isn't just "materialistic"... it is power.

Not OJ Simpson power... but meaningful power.

Money is the power to live in a nice home, in a nice neighborhood, to put your kids in good schools, have good health care, eat healthy diets, support charities and churches, and even retire in later years.

BEHOLD... the idea behind "dating".   Dating is a "job interview" for marriage, and now you see that he's NOT a "driven" person who is happy "getting by" by doing the minimum.

Is THIS what you want for yourself?   Is THIS the "example" you want raising children in the future?

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR...   stop being "serious" with this BUM. (YES, I called him a bum, because that's what he really is).

Find Mr. Right.  You deserve the best, just as "my daughter" will deserve the best.   You got a good head on your shoulders, so do the right thing.    

Answer 3

It sounds like the two of your are in a serious enough relationship to talk about this kind of stuff.  I'd just start out by saying that you want to discuss your financial situation with him and in no way mean to offend him.  And then just tell him how you feel.  Is he contributing at all financially?  If not, suggest helping him find a decent job.

Answer 4

does he work... figure it out preporionally- if he makes 1/2 of what you do than he should pay for half of what you do, but if he has no motivation.. try to motivate him to move up to better pay

try positive reinforcement!

Answer 5

Are you living together? Because if this is about bills then the easiest (and most fair) way that I can think of is to figure out what percent of your total household income he brings in. Then give him that percentage of the total household expenses to pay.

If, however, you aren't living together and this is about paying for outings and such then maybe you could alternate. He pays one time, you pay the next. Let him know that if he needs to do less expensive outings or even free things (picnic in the park?) and maybe save for a more costly outing later on then that is okay. You should spend what you feel comfortable with when it's your turn to pay. This isn't about competing or making things "even", it's about everyone being responsible.

If the problem is about you buying him "things" all the time then take a step back and see if he asks for them. Does he hint or outright ask? If not then maybe you are buying him things he likes or wants but would never expect you to buy for him. If he is earning much less than you he can't reciprocate and shouldn't be expected to. If you are buying more gift items for him then he is for you and it bothers you then stop. Maybe the two of you agree that holidays are the only gift giving occasions and set a price limit if you think it's appropriate. Above all, you need to find out what he expects and what you expect. Then you can begin to fix things.

Answer 6

"I've had some pretty abusive relationships in the past. Never the less its made me a stronger person."  

Has it really, or are you just desensitized to being mistreated and disrespected?

You're still being abused; only this time it's financial.  Do you really want a deadbeat like Kevin Federline using you and not appreciating the value of working for things?  After all, he didn't have to work that hard to get you, did he?

You're stuck in a rut.  Dump this guy and learn to raise your standards.  You're a better person than this guy,  character-wise.  Don't get into longterm relationships with bad boys.  Either or you'll end up used, abused, and left for dead like Whitney Houston.

Develop your self respect, take no c**p from anyone, and men will respect you and love you for it.  A man can't truly love a woman he doesn't respect.

Answer 7

Don't feel bad.  Tell him like a man.  Let him know that you are not his mom and you don't intend on supporting his lazy a$$.

Seriously, I hate how YA makes me use stupid symbols to spell "inappropriate" words.

Answer 8

   wow ... i feel bad for your boyfriend... not because isn't'nt making enough money to "make you happy" but because he is too nice of a guy to leave a xxxx like you.

you are being incredibly selfish and shallow! just because some one hired you without knowing just how materialistic and money-hungry you were does not mean that your boyfriend is a freeloader... it just means that you view a relationship as a financial burden.

there will come a time when you cant work temporarily, whether from pregnancy leave or a sprained wrist, i hope you have to go on welfare because you chased away a good man only because didn'tdnt make as much money as you.

   oh yeah... i looked at the other questions youve posted in the past... and SUPRISE... there is another (equally as shallow) question about "My friend and I are fighting over who should pay a bill." does this seem strange to you?

money comes and goes but love lasts forever.

Answer 9

Yea he needs to man up and get his life together...it's not so much about the money (at least if it was me). It's more about the fact that he needs to realize what kind of world we live in, and that if he wants to build a future for himself and maybe you then he needs to get a career. My EX however was in the same position, and I stayed with him for over 2 years and he never changed. So I hope you have more luck. You need to have a talk about your future goals bc that's what it's all about at the end.  

Answer 10

Well it depends on how much you like him and how serious that you rate your relationship. When one person that you care about is in a slump, it's expected that a person who is financially capable of helping should do so willingly. However, he should also be searching for at least a full time job, even if he only ends up making $20,000 a year. If he refuses to do so, then you have a problem.

Just talk to him about where he wants to take his life, and that financially it would be much simpler if he would also contribute to the finances.

If he doesn't make much money, then it sounds like he has NO life ambition, and you don't want to be stuck with someone like that. Even a minimum wage job is better than what he is doing, and it should be easy to get one.

Just make sure you are understanding when you do it, maybe he has a decent reason.

Answer 11

I got a little depressed when I read this. Who else?

Answer 12

What pride as a man??

I would say abuse him or lose him - either whip him into shape or ship him out.

There is more than one way to be an abuser, and toy boy here has found one of them.

Answer 13

Hello, if he was a man he would not be free loading.  Is he doing anything to better himself for the future?  If yes then talk to him.  You two are a couple and you should always be open and honest with your feelings.  It should not hurt his feelings.  And if it does maybe he will man up.  Lots of Luck to you

Answer 14

yea i gues that isn't fair

just discuss with him, it shouldnt hurt his feelings.

Answer 15

well, girl you need to think about what you are looking for in a man. hurt his pride!! if he wants you to pay for everything he doesn't have a lot of pride himself. go to Dr Phil. he is good with relationships and boy would he have a lot to say about this one. you must be a really nice person to worry so much about the free loaders feelings. if you love him you need to be honest with him, and i guess you wouldn't call him a free loader. sorry about that, i couldn't help myself. at least he has a job. i always said they need a job and a car. good luck!! and God Bless you

Answer 16

Just ask him to get a better job...

Answer 17

As far as the amount of money being made, it really isn't that big of a deal.  I have been with my husband for 9 years and during that time it has switched from one of us making more to the other making more several times.  What is important is his contribution to your activities, he shouldn't ask you to the movies and expect for you to pay.  I would just stop paying for stuff for him, don't make plans that you don't want to pay for and don't allow him to make plans that he can't pay for.  The most important thing is that he is willing to spend some money on you when he has it and that he is responsible for his own bills and obligations.  If he is wanting you to buy stuff like his gas or other necessities then you have a large issue and really need to put his pride aside and have the talk.  I have learned through being married that on some issues it is best to put honesty above hurt feelings, there are going to be issues that come up in which the truth hurts... if you avoid that then you are asking to be lied to or are going to end up lying.  Let him know exactly the issues that you have, don't blanket statements such as I always have to pay as this discounts any contributions he has made, instead say when I pay for items like A, B and C it makes me feel that you are not contributing and that I am having to support both of us.  If you feel that he is earning below his potential you need to help him to improve himself by telling him that you think he is more talented and capable and worthy of doing more, don't make it about not believing in him, make it about him not reaching his potential that you see in him.  Maybe he needs you to help him with his esteem in this area.  It shouldn't be your place to finance the whole relationship and him paying on occassion with you knowing that it is harder for him will show you that he cares.  Tell him that you simply want him to assist you with covering some of your collective costs of your relationship and to take you out once in a while to make you feel loved and appreciated.  Start communicating with him on how you feel and what your expectations are, make both clear and go from there.  Try to not make any negative attacks and focus on correcting the issue not placing blame.  Good luck and remember that ambition counts for a lot, if he is a student or pursuing a dream right now give consideration for that, if he is working at seven eleven and just doesn't care then be harsher or think about finding a new one.

Answer 18

Things can change. Is he employed and have ambitions to better himself. Maybe if you stay with him long enough he will earn as much if not more than you. If you are thinking of a long term relationship or marriage, then it is possible that both of you will be earning a very good wage in the future. For the time being, remind him that you have bills and need help with the expences without belittling him and his current pay.

Answer 19

Just tell him that you want to work on building up a savings account so that you can purchase a new car or a house or whatever in the future.  But, in order for you to do so, you won't be able to afford to spend so much money on your outings with him; so you would appreciate his equal contribution.

Answer 20

You know what you should do?? Listen to the song "Scrubs" by TLC, and blare it so he can hear it. Maybe he'll get the hint. :)

Answer 21

Find another professional, not a blue-collar freeloader.

Answer 22

You could do it on the sly, like say you'd like to take a nice vacation somewhere, or move to a nicer place, and suggest that he try to find more or better work to help fund your future goals.