My boyfriend of 2 years just told me he doesn't want kids after he said he did. What do I do?

Question

I am 35 and he is 38, he has 2 kids ages 9 and 7 from a previous marriage.

We have been talking about our future a lot recently and he told me 6 months ago that he does not want anymore children. At that time I told him it was a dealbreaker and he told me that he didn't want to lose our relationship so he would think about it and consider it. Well, it came up at dinner tonight. He point blank, flat out told me no and then when I asked him why he had "thought about it" if he knew his answer was no anyway, he told me he had thought about it but was not going to change his mind because he didn't want to be 40 and raising another kid. He then added that he didn't want to upset his own kids by having any more kids, that it would not be fair to them. (They don't live with him)

I don't know what to do. I told him I would not have kids in order to be with him but in the past few hours since this happened I cannot stop thinking about it. I just want the option to have kids, I am not sure if I really will end up having them but that option has got to be there.

What do I do? I don't want to lose our relatioship, yet I don't want to sacrifice my option to have one baby in the future if I choose. I feel like I have wasted the last 2 years with him-he told me in the beginning he would definately have kids with me but that he changed his mind 6 months ago and that is where we still are today,.

Any practical advice? Please help, I love him and our relationship and I am close with his kids. I enjoy being around them, please offer some practical advice for me. (He won't go to counseling and I won't trick him into getting pregnant)

Thank you

Answer 1

a long time ago I dated a man who had grown children, and I had never had any myself.  He asked me if I wanted a baby and I told him yes.  He said We could have a baby together but he basically didn't want the responsibility, so if I had a baby that it was on me.  Now I am married to a man who has a son that is soon to be 17.  I still have never had children, when he asks if i want a baby, I tell him I did when I was younger but our son is almost grown and its time for us to enjoy us. I do not miss it.  If you feel like this is a deal breaker and you want the option to have children, then the relationship needs to end. But if you can overlook that you will never have your "own children" with this man, then you are already the mother of two great kids.

Answer 2

Well, Im sorry to say this , but I would think either A. he doesnt believe you will leave or B. He doesnt love you enough to make you stay. Not that having a child is a small deal, but Im 27 with 2 kids 7 and 3 I dont want anymore children. Im engaged 2 a man who doesnt have kids who Im extremely in love with if he wants to have a child I would think its not fair to say I have 2 kids of my own and dont care that you want 1 of your own. I will say I can understand where hes coming from in the sense that he doesnt want to hurt his kids he already has, but thats more of a women thing men generally dont think about or understand things like that it sounds like b.s. to me. He either thinks your going to stay with him regardless or he doesnt care enough to keep you. I would leave your getting to old to wait around for sum 1 whos not worried about being fair 2 you also!! good luck

Answer 3

well first of all it was wrong for him to change his mind from what he told you in the beginning.

i know you told him you would not have kids in order to be with him but see how it goes over the next few months..meaning do you still have a strong desire to have kids. if you do you might have to end the relationship you only live once and if having kids is something you really want to experience he might not be the one for you.

not trying to jinx you but a few years down the line you guys might grow apart and it might be to late to have kids...something to think about.

i definatley respect the fact that you wont trick him into get pregnant but just because he wont go to counseling doesn't mean you cant go by yourself to talk about your dilemma.

Answer 4

If you stay you have to accept what he says and not be angry about it for years to come.  You'll have to settle things between you so that you move forward together and on the same page re: kids.

If you can't do that, then perhaps you can't stay with him.

If you stay and are resentful then the relationship will fail and then you'll be double mad 'cos you'd have wasted more time only to end up single and running out of time to have kids.  

He's already gotten an extra six months to rethink his decision so it's pretty clear he doesn't want to have children with you anymore.  You need to decide what you want for your life.  If it has to include the possibility of kids then you need to leave this guy and find someone who feels the same way you do.

It's ok that he doesn't want kids but it's not really ok to have changed his mind on such a big issue based on age etc since that same math was in place when you met.  and to say that is would be unfair to his other children makes me wonder what other real reasons he has for changing his mind.  It's not a good sign that he doens't feel it important enough to you to want to go to counseling, sounds kinda selfish really IMHO

Answer 5

Can you see his reasoning. He is reaching middle age, has 2 kids to raise already, etc. This doesn't ease your pain, though. You have to decide if you can be happy not having your own children, but have a loving husband and 2 great kids. When the 7 year old graduates high school, you will be 46 years old and ready to have your husband to yourself. I wish you the best.