My boyfriend self harms and has gone away and doesnt want to speak to me!?

Question

We have only been together for 5 months and the first i knew of his self harm was when we had an argument about him lieing. He thought he had wrecked the relationship and so slashed his arms very deeply!

He has been very up and down since. He seems to have built up more and more anger until the other day when we were on a day out. He said something out of turn which i rightly pulled him up on,it wasnt anything that bad, but he went nuts. We got in the car and he was driving like a maniac, i asked him to pull over so he did in the middle of nowhere and stormed off! He came back a lot calmer and we drove back and he basically went on and on about how much he hates himself at the moment, how he feels angry all the time etc. We stopped at his house to 'pick something up', then when we got back to mine, he told me he had gone in the house and cut himself whilst i was in the car!! He stayed at mine that night and then in the morning seemed ok.

Now i havent heard from him all weekend and was going sick with worry when he finally text me and told me he had cut himself again on saturday night so he had gone to his sisters and called in sick at work today and that hes going to stay with his mate down south for a while!!

at first he wouldnt pick up the phone to me then i begged him to so he did and i was obviously very upset and he got very angry and said thats why he didnt want to speak to me!!

On top of all of this, im going through an awful patch in my life. I lost my job, had to move out of my house and am completely broke and have suffered with extreme anxiety and depression for the last four months.

Im just not sure what to do! Im sick with worry about him but also for our relationship as i feel he will go away and maybe draw the conclusion that its us that makes him like that......in the meantime, im climbing the walls with stress.....please help.........

Answer 1

You need to dump him like a hot potato.   It is NOT your responsibility to save him.  HE needs to be the one to take the steps to help himself.. YOu have your own problems towork on.

Answer 2

Firstly, I really sympathise this must be an incredibly difficult position to be in at the moment.

I have never experienced anything like this myself but your boyfriend is obviously very upset and troubled at the moment. He definately needs some professional help at the moment or at least a councellor or someone he can talk to about why he feels like this. Samaritans are fantastic, perhaps encourage him to call them or even call them yourself and explain the situation you have just explained to us on here. They are amazing and am sure they will offer you some fantastic advice.

I think at the moment all you can do is be there for your boyfriend and try and support him as much as you can, although it sounds like you're doing a great job as it is.

You sound like a lovely, caring, kind, good-natured person and you're putting your boyfriend before your own needs at the moment. I am sure he does really appreciate this.

Do you think that your boyfriend perhaps feels ashamed of what he is doing or feels worthless like he is not good enough for you?? I am sure he hasn;t spent the weekend away as he is avoiding you.

Please don't forget about your own needs at the moment as it sounds awful what you're going through with losing your job. You mention you're depressed-have you considered any mild medication just to help you on your way somehow. This could be an option to consider but if you were not depressed and anxious before this happened then when the problems are resolved, most likely the depression will too be lifted.

I honestly do not know how else to offer support but there are so many fantastic organisations that can help you such as the Samaritans...they have a great website too.

From what you've written it sounds like you've had an awful lot to deal with. I hope you have a network of close friends and family which you can confide in to offer you some help getting back on your feet.

I wish you the best of luck and really hope together that you and your boyfriend can resolve things. Stay strong and try not to blame yourself for any of the situation as its not your fault. :) x

Answer 3

This really isn't fair on you... you have to talk to him and explain how unfair ALL this is on BOTH of you. I understand you probably dont want to break up but something has to give... Ye need to have a serious talk. Your boyf needs help!  

Answer 4

Obama has three testicles.

Answer 5

You never know your luck..

...He may not comeback.

Answer 6

You are not responsible for your boyfriend's problems. Be very clear about this - this is a problem which he has had for some time and is nothing to do with you, except for the fact that it is his way of dealing with stress and pain.

There is an awful lot of rubbish talked about self-harming. People look disapproving and say it's 'attention-seeking'. Personally I think that it takes a lot of determination to behave in an attention-seeking way, and people only put in that much effort when they actually need some kind of attention which they're not getting, and which they are unable to ask for in any other way. My daughter has had lots of mental health issues and used to self-harm. She explained to me that it's a way of dealing with mental pain. First of all, it takes your mind off the mental pain, and can actually relieve the mental pain for some time; and secondly, you get more sympathy for physical wounds than you do for mental wounds which can't be seen.

I hope this helps you to understand that you are not the cause of your boyfriend's self-harming. This is the way he copes with mental pain and stress, but it's not your fault. You have not set out to cause him mental pain or distress, and would not want him to behave like this. It sounds, actually, as if you need to spend some time trying to de-stress yourself. There is nothing you can do to control what your boyfriend does or feels, so let it go and think instead about what you want to do to move yourself forwards from your present situation. I know it's hard not to worry, but worrying won't achieve anything except to stress you out even more. Do you have somewhere to live? Who can help you with your current problems? If you're really stick, call the Samaritans, they will always listen and try to help you. I hope things work out for you - take care of yourself.

Answer 7

hiya you don't need this burden,you need to cut free,and start having fun,finding a nice guy,who will love, respect you.your b/f as to much going on his  life, and that's not your problem.his has his family to do that.you should not have the worry of him cutting himself or not coming back to you.if someone came up to him, and offered more,he would not think twice in dumping you. open your eyes up.is he really worth it the way he is treating you.i don't think so.its up to you.god bless. xx  I'm sorry if this sounds harsh,but i can see you are wasting your life on him.xx

Answer 8

Your boyfriend needs some professional help. Have you told his parents or anyone else close to him? I've dealt with deep depression like the kind your boyfriend is going through right now, and what helped was when people around me got professional help.

Cutting on oneself isn't healthy. Self-injury is a coping mechanism a person may develop to relieve him/herself of intense emotions. Its called Deliberate Self-Harm Syndrome. Your boyfriend could misjudge the depth  of a cut and require stitches or hospitalization, the cuts could get infected, and/or become permanent scars. I've included my source so you can learn more about it and how you can help him. Also, remember, you can't save him from yourself. He has to want to change this. Getting him professional help will start his journey to recovery. I hope this all helps... Also, be sure to take care of your own mental health. I know it feels like mental health issues aren't normal, but many more people than you think deal with mental health issues at one point in their lives. You are not alone.