My boyfriend was adopted as a baby, he is terrified to search for his birth parents but is so messed up?

Question

I don't think he will be able to move on with his life until he faces his past and deals with it. He is often in tears and incredible emotional about wanting to know that his birth mother feels something for him or loves him but hes so scared to do anything about it. my heart breaks for him and i want to help him search for her and face his past, but he's so frightened about the whole situation but i fear unless he tries to find her he will never be able to function and have a happy emotional relationship. he's so messed up. he has a letter which his adoptive parents have in their safe which gives him information that could lead to finding her, but he's frightened to ask for it. I just want to help him, but he's absolutely terrified. When he does let go, he just breaks down in tears and I just want to find her for him or help him to face the fact that he needs to find her and face his demons. If he doesnt do anything about it he is just going to carry on harboring these pent up emotions and remain as messed up as his is now. any advice

Answer 1

My wife was also an adopted child, so i have some experience with this situation.

I am 50 years old, she is now 47, and we have been together since we were teenagers. I don't know how old you two are, but I am guessing you are young....

Here's my advice.....

Be supportive of whatever he decides to do, or want he decides to NOT do. Remember, it's up to him. It's all about Him.

Young people in this situation will change their minds alot and go back and forth with their decision also. That is to be expected.

If you do in fact suggest anything at all to him, then suggest that he seek out a support group. They are not hard to find. But this is also something he needs to do......not you. there are lots of people in his same situation, and this i feel will help him get a handle on the situation that no one else can give to him....He will be alot better off for himself personally to discover that others have the same insecurities and questions regarding their adoptions that he has....

Good luck with it.

My wife never did search for her birth parents and to this day it is not an issue at all for her. But she has a sister who is also adopted, and it's the complete oppiosite for her. She searched in vain, never did find her birth mother, and has always had problems associated with it.

God Bless you.....

Answer 2

You may have the best of intentions but your bf needs to be given your support but he has to decide for himself if he wants to trace his birth family . Instead of pushing him to find them back off. This could end in disater and everyone in this situation has to be very careful.

It may be better tosugestthat he asks for his records from the adoption agency tofind out the circumstances. He can request access to his files and a trained social worker will go through this with him.

He can then decide if he wants to pursue finding his mother.But willbe prepared.She may reject him and that is somthing he may not be able to deal with.

Answer 3

Well things must be tough for him so maybe you could search for his birth parents and then talk to them and tell them what has been going on with their son.Then after that you can take them to your boyfriend so they can meet.It seems like your boyfriend is just too scared to meet them so maybe if you brought them to him he will be able to be okay with everything.

Answer 4

I was adopted as a baby. I always knew it and never really thought much about it.  Your "Mother" is the person you run to when there's a boogey man under the bed, an ouchie to kiss, or an award to show off.  She went without sleep, material things, and even a meal when necessary, just to take care of a child that she wanted more than anything.  Someone else's accident was her blessing.

Am I curious?  Sure - but primarily because I would like medical information to share with my own children.  I submitted my name and details to the adoption registry years ago, but never heard a word.  If it's supposed to happen it will, if not, it won't, and I'm OK with that. If nothing else, I'd like my birthmom to know that she made the right decision 55+ years ago.

Mother died in 92 and I am her legacy.  Her guidance made me the strong, resourceful woman that I am today.  I'd give anything to see her again just for a chat.  Lesson from my mom - don't worry about what you don't have and take care of what you do have.  Tell BF to go give his mom and big hug and take her out and do something special with her.  I wish I still could!  

Answer 5

Maybe you should remind your bf that a person that gave birth to him, has no real connection to him, rather than the people that raised him and made him the person that he is today.

His "birth parents" only contributed DNA and nothing else. Its Nurture over Nature on this one.

Answer 6

Just take it slow and just let him know that what ever happens you will be there for him.

Answer 7

If he wants to find his birth parents then why not?

But he has to decide after all its for him

Answer 8

This is his business -  why are you too involved in this? Let go and things will  work themselves out.

Answer 9

How old is boyfriend?  He sounds very young.

In regard to your desire/offer to find his birth parents, meet them first, etc--Allow me to use a parenting analogy…  When my children (and they’re teenagers) are in pain, it hurts me too, and my immediate reaction is to want to jump in and fix/handle everything for them (so I can understand your desire to do this), but I don’t do that (unless it’s a dangerous situation and/or something that they cannot possibly be expected to handle on their own due to their age/lack of maturity/etc).  Instead I teach them to how to handle it/offer guidance, because being able to handle your own issues is a *necessary* skill in life.  

Boyfriend has to learn to handle this himself.  You can be there to offer support, but he needs *professional* assistance.  Encourage him to get it.  While it’s normal for an adoptive child to wonder why their biological parents gave them up for adoption, it’s not (or at least shouldn’t be) something that leaves them constantly in tears and prevents them from living their lives.

And before he makes ANY attempt to find his birth parents, he has to be emotionally ready for all the possible outcomes, or it will cause more damage.  The outcome may not be good (they not want anything to do with him, and then he’ll feel rejected yet again) or they may accept him with open arms and then he begins to struggle with ‘loyalty’ issues (biological parents vs adoptive parents).  

Again, he needs counseling.  Encourage him to get it.  That, and offering your support, should be your only role here.