My boyfriend was adopted when he was 4?

Question

And now he's almost 18 and still has some anger issues.. the only thing I can figure is that they are from his early childhood.

Does anyone have an advice to help us? I mean, I love him and I really want things to work.. but we have to controll these issues.

P.S.- He REFUSES to go to counseling.

Answer 1

Deal breaker if he refuses to go to counseling for his anger issues.  Don't let sympathy for a 4 year old boy get in your way of who this man is now.  He's 18.  He knows right from wrong.  Do you really want to risk marrying and having children with a man who can't control his anger?  It's sad... but move on.

Answer 2

Counseling is his only option.  He can do it now, or he can wait until he gets into trouble with the law and do it as a court order!

Answer 3

The thought of being abandoned is hard to forget.  Finding his birth parents will add closure.  Check out veromi.net

Answer 4

His anger probably stems from being a teenage boy...not his adoption.  ;-)

Answer 5

Go now!  Anger issues can turn into the most horrific domestic situations.  Talk openly to your famiy & friends and keep them close!  The fact that he does not want to go to counselling tells me he either thinks he does not have a problem or he is unstable. I would not trust an 18YR old!  I hope no kids are involved in this relationship!

Answer 6

I f he refuses counselling by a doctor, how about a minister, someone at school?  He needs to talk to someone who can understand and advise him on how to deal with this, Maybe someone else that was adopted? I was adopted and had alot of issues with it, he has to be told that yes what his mother did was cruel, but by doing that he was able to be given to people that, hopefully, were able to raise him with the love that she(his mother) was unable to provide. He needs to know that even though he may feel he is the only one that this has ever happened to, he is not and that he does need to recieve some type of counselling. Have you suggested going with him? Maybe he does not want to go alone for fear he won't be able to handle talking about it. As far as finding his mom, I wouldn't reccomend it, she apparently had alot of issues and finding her may make his resentment worse.  He needs to be reminded constantly that, even though he may not feel like it, he is loved and cared about and that he has you and hopefully all of his friends and family to support him emotionally.  If it you do not know anyone else that is adopted that will talk with him, contact me, I would be willing to try to help both of you through this and maybe by talking to someone that is "like" him he can come to terms with all of this, that is what helped me, I used to think that I was the only one that was ever adopted and until I found someone that I felt I could talk to that could help me come to terms with my situation I was very depressed  and now that I am older and have gotten through that time in my life have helped several other fellow adoptees come to terms and deal with their own situations. No, I am not a counsler, but I do have 35 years experience about adoption as an adoptee. The only other advice I have for you is if he becomes violent and starts hitting PLEASE, do not endanger youself, you may not be able to help him, but it also, even though it seems that you really love him and want to help him, it is not a good idea to endanger yourself, so if this is the case, please, even though it will be hard, move on, at least until he does get help, it is not worth being abused by him and endangering yourself

Answer 7

Beth S- I beg to diff with you. I have anger issues and it has to do with my adoption. I'm angry at my birth mother because of the choice that she made regarding her life. I mean she chose her drugs and men over me. Did she make sure i was well provided for, well yes, because she wouldn't sign the papers giving me up unless i stayed with my adoptive parents. If she didn't do this, there was a pretty good chance i would be in the foster care system. So, i'm not ungrateful for that. But i'm angry that she kept my younger two siblings and not me.  sometimes this anger comes from not having answers to questions. Or thinking we can't talk about our adoption. i would just be a good listener, let him know you are there for him.  Maybe in time he will search out for answers and he can began to get some closure if he needs it.

Answer 8

Then let this Boy Friend adopt you !!

Answer 9

I was adopt at the age 3 and my case worker made me go to counseling. They felt i miss my mom so that why i act the way i act. I felt that didn't help. And i am 22 and i do think it from his child hood cause you don't get over it. But he is a grown man so it shouldn't effect him to much. But people dill with thing different. So u can either be patience with him or leave him that all on you. As he get order he would get better cause he going to feel that he want to treat his kids better. Cause like they say men doesn't mature until 25.

Answer 10

Tell him he's not alone. There are a lot of us who had wonderful aparents, great lives, and are otherwise normal, happy people, but we have a lot of pain, anger, confusion and just plain grief surrounding our adoptions and the loss of our mothers. I wouldn't say "controlling" the issues necessarily is how I would put it, but I do think he should let them out and deal with them. What part makes him angry? What does he wish was said or done differently? Has he met his parents and family yet? Does he want to search? Has he talked to his aparents about this yet? Let him know its safe to talk to you about these emotions, and that you will understand. Don't tell him c**p like "you should be happy you weren't aborted or thrown in a dumpster" or "your first parents aren't important, all that matters is the parents you have now" or "I don't get why its such a big deal" or tell him he's angry, bitter, maladjusted, crazy, whiny, or whatever for expressing his emotions. Not that I'm assuming you do, just that lots of people say that kind of stuff and it makes it worse, not better. He's almost 18 so if he hasn't already started searching, perhaps you can let him know you will be there if he wants to do that, and really support him because its such a difficult journey.

You said he was 4 at the time of placement, it sounds to me as if this was a foster/adopt placement and there may be issues surrounding why he was placed. Perhaps you can talk about these and see if maybe he is harboring some anger toward his first parents for not being able to keep him, or for things that led to his placement.

You can also invite him to come talk to other adoptees who feel similarly to him. http://www.adultadoptees.org is a good place for him to find others who can let him know he's normal and he can safely express himself. Just having others to talk to may help, it did me.

Answer 11

It is understandable that he would have anger issues. Unless he is violent (run fast) I hope you can stand by him.

He needs to get support from somewhere. He is not alone.

Being abandoned by your mother is one of the worst, if not the worst, trauma a person can endure. I'm 38 and I still get angry about it.