My boyfriend would like us to have and abortion or give our child up for adoption, I don't know what I want.

Question

I am 25 and my boyfriend is 30 i just found out I am pregnant. I have gotten over the shock and am trying to find the positive in all this. Although my boyfriend is very unhappy and doesn't think we are ready to have a child. We both don't make a lot of money. We've been together over the past year and have lived together since last November. I love my boyfriend with all my heart anf I know he loves me but I want us to come to a mutual decision. If he feels forced he will not only resent me but also the baby. I can sacrafice to have our child and I know we'd both be great parents. He says wait two years but whats two years, kids will always be expensive, right? I love this man with all my heart. And I don't know what to do if I have and abortion I think I'll always regret it and adoption is pointless people will know I'm pregnant and my family probably won't let it happen. I'm at a loss and very scared. Help please.

Answer 1

Its going to take guts either way you go. In your shoes,me I'd carry the child to term,either boy friend excepts it or he moves on, paying you support for the child growing inside you when born.Talk to YOUR family about this. Not just y/a forum.

Answer 2

Take abortion out of the question

You could regret that, and you need to do that fast

Tell you boyfriend that you will look into adoption

That you will not make up your mind for months

That you need to know in your heart you can live with that decision.  Some women can, Some women can not.

That you do not have to decided until after the baby comes

You need to think what is best for you, him and the baby

That the decision he is asking you to make, need a lot of time to know if it's right for you.  He needs time.

With time anything is possible, you both can change your mind

Abortion, you have no time, take that off the table

Answer 3

adoption is the way to do abortions are murder

Answer 4

Please don't make a decision based on what he wants. If he'll be ready in two years, then there is no reason you can't sacrifice until then. This needs to be about what's best for the baby. Babies don't care about expensive clothing and nice houses. All they need is you and your boyfriend's love.

He may be freaking out now, but when the child is born, he'll probably feel different. I would tell him firmly that you are not having an abortion and  you will hold off on making any decisions until the child is born.

Answer 5

I am sorry about your predicament.  Nobody, including me, can tell you what is right for you.  You will have to do some soul searching.  But I can tell you about my experience, and maybe that will help.  

I put my son for adoption (I was 20.)  I was sure from the beginning that my boyfriend and I weren't in a position to keep the child.  I want to finish college and have the knowledge and resources to provide for a child before I have one.  I procrastinated about it, and just pretended I didn't know I was pregnant.  Until I felt him kicking.  I didn't think anyone would around me would be supportive either.  But, I figured if I sucked it up and was responsible about it, that my family would not be so disappointed in me.  So I called a counselor, and found an adoption agency.  I found good parents.  We all agreed to have a very open adoption. Then I told my parents about it.  I really think that helped.  

I feel that adoption is a loving and caring thing to do.  There are people out there who are really ready to be parents.  They have the support, education, resources, and love to give that children deserve.  Of course it is hard.  It is the hardest thing any woman will ever have to do.  I spent nights holding my stomach, crying.  Days at work envying all the pregnant women, all the mothers holding their babies.  But I knew that those feelings were selfish.  It was hard for ME to make this decision and go through with it, but it would have been harder for everyone had I not done it.  

Finally, adoption doesn't have to be a sad thing.  Not forever.  I never lost my son.  I found a whole new family.  I still get to see him, often.  I talk to his adoptive parents all the time.  Its just a really big family.  My boyfriend is still his dad, my parents are still his grandparents, and I am still his mom.

Thats it.  perhaps the story will help you make a decision.  Just remember, this decision is about you.  Not about what your family or your boyfriend thinks.  Your family can't stop an adoption, and your boyfriend can't force you to get an abortion.  But your boyfriend should be more supportive.  I am sorry that he is not.

Answer 6

I would suggest you make an appt. at a nearby pregnancy help clinic/center.  They can help you make a wise decision.  However in the short time I have here, I want to tell you that having an abortion is not an easy way out.  Your bf and even you may think so at the time- however, you will not forget that you took the life of your baby- and also it can cause many physical, emotional and spiritual consequences.  If you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you could raise your child, then do it- however if there is a question, please place your child for adoption.  No matter how a baby is conceived there is a purpose for that child.  There are no babies that are mistakes or illegitimate. I can totally understand that you are scared.  Anyone who becomes pregnant unexpectedly will be stressed. However, do not make a fast decision, you may regret it the rest of your life.

Answer 7

dont have an abortion. you will regret it.  he is freaking out.  He will get over it.  my husband and i planned our baby and he still freaked out a bit.  i think all guys freak out a bit , either secretly or not.  you guys are old enough to take care of a child.  If you are close to your family they will help you. he says wait two years, it means that he is open to the idea of having kids.  surprise daddy!  get a pregnancy book and look at photos of babies whos fetal age is the same of your baby.... they are tiny little blessings.  you can get lots of baby stuff used and you will just have to try harder to make more money.

Answer 8

dont look to him for advice ... you do what you think is right for you. He didnt seem to mind making the child.. so dont look to him for anything. You do what you think is right. Your the one who is going to have to live with the decision. Men dont have the same regrets and feelings after an abortion or giving up a child. They look at it as problem gone.

Do what your heart tells you... NOT HIM.

Answer 9

Well that's quite a pickle but waht i really think you need to consider is yourself a little more and the baby.....l really don't approve of abortion but if that's your decision so be it but your right you will regret it always. And really it's not up to your family what happens if this child will truely be better off with parents who truely want it then that's what you should do. This baby hasn't done anything wrong and deserves the best life you can possibly offer either with you or with someone else. As far as your boyfriend is concerned he seems really selfish what is two years?? LIke i said this baby hasn't done anything wrong so why would you give this blessing away only to perposely have another child in two years. Children really are a blessing and i think you need to really consider what you would be giving up. This baby depends on you now and for the rest of your life and while it is a huge responsibilty i'm telling you it's worth it and while you BF isn't hip to the idea if he's really a man and as good as you think he is he won't beable to deny this child. From the moment he holds that baby it will all be over.....as far as money is concerned....you will be 70 when you are financially ready. While you do need to be able to feed and diaper your child there are wonderful programs that can help you with that and all that fancy c**p people buy most of it really isn't needed. WHile i think you need to decide for youself just think about all the little things you will miss if you dont have this baby.....

Answer 10

a couple of things:

"My boyfriend would like us to have and abortion"--impossible. your boyfriend doesn't have a uterus, hence CAN'T have one.  he might want you to terminate your pregnancy, but the we part...

"my boyfriend is very unhappy and doesn't think we are ready to have a child."--does your boyfriend know how this happened?  for someone so against this pregnancy, did he take precautions?

" He says wait two years but whats two years, kids will always be expensive, right?"--you are 100% correct!

" And I don't know what to do if I have and abortion I think I'll always regret it.."--then you should think long and hard before making that decision!  abortion is permanent and shouldn't be forced by someone who's NOT going through it.

"I love this man with all my heart"--understood. but if he's forcing a decision on you, i question HIS degree of love...

"adoption is pointless people will know I'm pregnant and my family probably won't let it happen."--your family won't LET YOU??? although i don't agree with adoption in most cases, i find it troubling that so many people have this degree of influence regarding your reproductive choices.

honestly, i think your bf is scared and attempting to "make it go away."  you are confused because you are probably in love with this man and want to keep this child.  i think it's time for a serious talk with him, to inform him that you are not willing to terminate nor relinquish,  and he can get on board, or step off at the next stop.

kasi said: "if your boyfriend is not ready at 30, then I doubt he ever will be. "---ding...ding...ding!  correct!!!!!  i must agree 100%!  

good luck!

ETA:  i feel like i have to keep repeating myself:  INFERTILE COUPLES ARE NOT A REASON FOR A YOUNG SCARED PREGNANT WOMAN TO GIVE UP A CHILD!!! infertility sucks, but i get annoyed when people (like several posters) default to the "wonderful people who want to have children, but can't."  seriously, what the h**l does that have to do with this young woman's situation?

Answer 11

My first bit of advice is to take a breath.  You don't have to make any decision right now.  

Please don't let your bf pressure you into doing something that you don't want to do.  Women who abort or place for adoption in order to please a boyfriend/husband/family often regret it for the rest of their lives.  

This is YOUR choice.  Take the time you need, do research, check into support resources before making this decision.  It's a big one.  One of those life changing decisions, so don't let anyone pressure you.

If YOU are not 100% convinced that abortion or adoption is the right thing to do, then don't!  There are plenty of resources out there to assist you in parenting your child, by yourself if necessary.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 12

I think you should rephrase that -- My boyfriend would like me to kill my baby because he doesn't want the inconvenience.

Your boyfriend sounds like he's a user. I bet if you aborted this baby and got pregnant 2 years later he would say the same thing.

Men that won't accept responsibility are not men.

If anything carry the baby to term then put it up for adoption.

Answer 13

personally I think abortion is the much better route to go than adoption. Either way you will never get over having been pregnant.

I lost my child to adoption 24 years ago and it is very painful to live with that. Do not believe in "open" adoptions - they are not legally enforceable - certainly not from the firstmother's perspective. (Firstmother is the nicer term for what you will be called if you surrender you child for adoption) I can only tell you the side effects for many of us who have lost a child to adoption: suicidal thoughts (don't think I'm kidding), loss of self esteem, unresolved grief (your child isn't dead, but missing forever), physical pain from the grief that you experience (aching arms, heart, stomach) these are not things that I've made up, only things that I've experienced because of relinquishing my son. Many of these effects did not occur until 22 years after I lost him - so reuniting with a child is no cure-all. Once you lose your baby, you've lost a piece of yourself.

I am sorry that you're in a tough situation, but whatever you do, please don't surrender your child for adoption. There are many options for keeping you child with you, with or without you "man". No matter how much you love this guy you've got to think about the baby you are carrying - your son or daughter is more closely related to you than anyone else in this world. It is a very special bond that deserves your highest consideration.

Please email me if you want help finding resources in your area.

Here are a few that might be of interest

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

http://motherhelp.info/keepingyourchild....

http://www.girl-mom.com/

http://www.cms.hhs.gov/MedicaidEligibili...

http://www.usa.gov/Citizen/Topics/Benefi...

http://www.planningfamily.com/pfcpa6/?tc...

http://www.singlepregnancy.com/

You will always regret adoption. You CAN do it  (raise your child) on your own even if your boyfriend isn't up to the task.

best of luck!

Answer 14

Whether you choose abortion or adoption, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I gave my daughter up 36 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't regret it. It's a hurt that never heals. You will not "get over it " and neither will he. It's not like you guys are teenagers. What will be different when he's 32? Will he have a better job? A better home? I know he's really scared but if you abort or give away, your life will never be the same. The guilt will be never ending and when your child comes to find you in 18 years, what are you going to say when he/she asks, "why did you give me away" there is not an answer that will be good enough for him/her.

Answer 15

Hun u do what's right for u. If u don't want the child just put it up for adoption. Don't get a abortion cause u'll be killing a child. If u want this child than keep it. If he loves u enough like he says he does than he'll stick around. THey never said parenting would be easy and cheap. Plus what is 2 years anyway. Than if he wasn't ready for kids than he shouldn't be having s*x.

Answer 16

Obviously, your boyfriend is immature & irresponsible.

He is not prepared to step up & take his rightful place.

But that is no reason this innocent child should suffer.

You need to get to a crisis pregnancy support centre.

The Catholic or any church office can direct you.

They can help you both to get counselling & assistance.

The child has a right to life, & doesn't just belong to you.

You're right that the whole family has a stake in this person.

Let people help you through this difficult experience.

Answer 17

. YOUR DUMB BOYFRIEND IS A TOTAL d**k BITT CH! DUMP HIM! Keep it if you re ready. Its not all about him! ADOPTION if you really wanna get rid of it!

Answer 18

if he loved you like you think he does then the choices would be easier.  she you are already pregnant and he says you need to wait to years, you know what he wants.  meaning he does NOT love you as much as you think..

YOU and YOU along can raise the baby...

Of course children are expensive, by what price will you have to pay in the end if you choose to have an abortion and not one..?

Answer 19

well you have 2 decide as a couple if you want it then keep it but it will break its heart if it finds out it was adopted i know i would be crushed if i was adopted but if you think the baby will have a crappy life and the father/mother doesn't want it then you should give it up fore adoption but

don't have an abortion because just because some one doesn't want it doesn't mean it has to die and if you both don't make a lot of money the you wont be able to support your self and a baby.

Answer 20

okay let me tell you something, if we all were planned there wouldn't be many of us. there's a reason your pregnant. don't have an abortion its too hard, you'll regret it. if your thinking about adoption go for an open one. you can stay in touch with the parents and see your child grow and when there older they can actually ask questions. Raising children is hard but the funny thing is your family will probably come together and want to help. think your options thoroughly cuz what ever you decide its something you have to live with for the rest of your life.

Answer 21

I am sorry you are frightened. I can only imagine what a lonely and confusing place you must be in right now.

I think you are going to have to make some hard decisions. Remove everyone else from the equation: what is it YOU want?

Abortion, adoption, these are life-altering actions that will leave life-altering consequences. But what about parenting? This also provides life-altering consequences, but with a world of rewarding possibilities.

I'm sorry to say this, but if your boyfriend is not ready at 30, then I doubt he ever will be. And to be honest very few people ever feel "ready" to parent. They just jump in with both feet and very few would say they actually regret it.

Maybe your boyfriend will come around and maybe he won't, but I doubt your relationship will last a relinquishment or abortion that you do not want.

I wish you the best of luck!!!

Answer 22

You sound like you want the baby. You are 25 and have to stop worrying about what your parents, friends, boyfriend etc. think. You are a grown woman and this is your baby and your body. Decide what YOU want do do with the baby. If you can provide for it then it's best that he/she stays with you even if your boyfriend is a deadbeat. Maybe seeing the baby will change his mind. He is 30 years old and needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions and you say that he loves you. If he really does then he will agree with what you want and care enough about you not to force you to make a decision you will regret later.

Answer 23

You need to put your love for your boyfriend aside for a minute and think about what your decision would be if you were all by yourself.  Would you want to raise this child on your own? Do you have the means?  If you think you could do it then keep your baby. If your boyfriend does not agree, then maybe he is not the man for you.  You may love him, but this is one of those big life decisions that you need to agree on with your boyfriend. It is a deal breaker obstacle.  If I knew my husband did not want kids with me while we dated, we would not be married now.  

If you think you can't raise this child on your own, (your boyfriend may take off), then contact an adoption agency. Abortion is murder so I don't agree with it.   The agency can help you decide what is right for you.  You can talk to them about anything.  Here is a great agency. www.adoptionhelp.org

Good Luck.

Answer 24

Go to planned parenthood and ask them to recommend someone you can talk to that isn't going to try to make the decision for you.

Avoid church at all costs because they will keep you confused until you give birth and then they will try to rip your child out of you arms just to bless one of the needy "infertil" members desperate for a baby..