My boyfriends 1st wife does not allow the children to stay at my home....?

Question

I have been dating a man for 2 years. He is older than me by 20 years. He has two children that adore me(one is 13 and the other 16). The issue is that my b/f past with his 2nd wife was not good. They were on meth. His children at one point felt as if meth came before they did. Since I have dated this man I have helped him re-kindle the relationship he once had with his children. I can understand his 1st wife's concerns about the "enviorment" that her children will be placed in because of the past problems, but I am not a user. I drink beer, but I would never even do that in front of his kids. My boyfriend has been clean for 3 years. He was not using when we met...I wouldn't be w/ him if he had been. His first wife seems to like me, she know that I am a decent person. What can I say or do to put her at ease about letting the children come to my house and stay over? The kids want to, but she always has an excuse or she will make a fun family outing last minute to keep their minds off wanting to come to dad's. Help me...I'm tired of watching my boyfriend hurt now for the mistakes he has made in his past.

Answer 1

Are you planning on being Wife #3?

I don't think it's you, I think it's the fact that her ex was on drugs and isn't comfortable leaving them with him.  Trust issues and all that.

Answer 2

I think just leave it alone for now.  It sounds like she was really hurt there is probably more to there past than you know.  Just be there for the kids when they need someone to talk to etc.  Do not force the issue.  

Answer 3

how about you quit inviting them over.  the 16 year old will be 18 in two years and can do what he wants.  the mother is very concerned about her children and since you are only a girlfriend why dont you butt out?  

your definition of parent child relationship may be totally different from their mothers who is their mother and older than you.  she is protecting their best interests.  why dont you show her a whole big huge 12 pack of respect and honor her wishes and stop making end runs around her decisions?  you irritate me, i would be so annoyed at you.  who are you to do this?  you are so far off base.  astounding.  

your boyfriend is hurt?  boo hoo.  the children come first.  imagine how they hurt having a loser father on meth for petes sakes!  

develop an attitujde of total and complete respect and cooperation with the childrens mother.  you know, the one who  has always been there for them,  who doesnt drink and do drugs.  

Answer 4

If you respect and understand her feelings whats the problem. If you want a family then give him one stop trying to play house with her kids.

Answer 5

i would seek counseling

Answer 6

Be really nice to her =] x

Answer 7

His ex probably can't see what a 20 year younger woman would see in a washed up old meth head she probably thinks drugs is the attraction.

BTW what do you see in him?

Answer 8

If I had children I wouldn't let them go to a shack-up situation either.  I would want my children to grow up with morals and values.

Answer 9

It probably has absolutely nothing to do with you personally, but a lot to do with your boyfriend's unwise decision to marry the second wife and use meth.  The trust is completely gone, and it will take more than the kids adoring you and him being clean for a mere three years to restore it.

Respect the first wife for doing everything in her power to protect her children, continue to support your boyfriend.  This is a good lesson to realize that many times the consequences of our actions follow us for the rest of our lives.

Best wishes.

Answer 10

Well since they aren't your kids i think your boyfriend needs to stand up for himself and say something. Maybe try having a sit down between the three of you. Make a schedule when the kids will come and visit and such. Hope it works out.

Answer 11

You can't do anything other than what you're already doing. Sounds like she has good reasons to mistrust your b.f's choices, and it might take her some time to come around. Yes, the mistakes people makes often come back to haunt them - but that's the price you pay for having made bad decisions. You can't just erase the lifetime of terrible choices by 3 years of "being clean". It will take time for things to slowly get back on track.

Answer 12

Maybe the mother doesn't trust her kids around somebody calling themself a beeraholic.  Try showing some maturity.

Answer 13

You wrote that they were on meth, so I assume she is clean now also?  If he has been ordered to pay child support, he needs to go back to court and get his visitaion rights!  Good Luck  xox

Answer 14

I realize you think she has no real reason for concern but apparently she does and with good reason a former drug addict does not need to use any substance (BEER) or be around anyone using a substance this leads to relapse as well as a high consumption of the lesser drug meaning beer to replace the need for the stronger drug. She probably knows this. I sorry but I agree with her I wouldn't let my kids stay there either.

Answer 15

Give this woman a chance to get to know you, and to realize that both you or your boyfriend don't intend to cause her children any harm.

Things like this takes time.

Perhaps it's not even what you think.  This woman could be jealous of your relationship w/ either her kids or w/ the father of her children.

People are strange.

Time and patience is very important.

Answer 16

tell her how you feel

Answer 17

invite the first wife over for lunch with the kids

Answer 18

sorry if that is how a mother feels it is how she feels you must respect it, even though he is not on drugs any longer.....he was and she is protecting her children from it happening again..

only thing you can really do is talk to her.

Answer 19

show her how great you are with kids, and buy them toys and stuff,

just be extremely nice to her

Answer 20

No offense, I wouldn't want my kids staying at my exes girlfriend's house, you guys are only dating, so there is no need for her to consent to that. If you were married and their stepmother then maybe that would be easier for her, she may not want them to get attached to someone who is only dating their dad. Maybe she has a problem with you drinking even though you say you don't do it around them, you must do it enough, especially since you are a self proclaimed beeraholic...that would be a red flag for me. As his g.f., it's not an issue for you to be dealing with, it's your b.f.'s issue to establish that type of trust with his ex. You can't do anything to make her feel differently. If your b.f. is so hurtin over his past mistakes then he is the one who needs to do the work to make amends and re-establish trust. Once an addict, always an addict and 3 years clean is not a whole h**l of a lot, anything can trigger falling off the wagon. In a lot of cases alcohol is that trigger. That is just a fact. So really I don't blame her at all.

Answer 21

there isn't going to be anything that you can say to the 1st wife that is going to make her see your point of view.  only your actions will show her that you are a quality person.  understand her viewpoint.  she watched her kids being exposed to a meth addicted father and stepmom.  can you blame her for being a bit short on the trust department these days?  hopefully, with time she will come around.  

the other possibility is that (you didnt state how old that you are, but i'm just guessing here) you are closer in age to the children than to her.  maybe she thinks that you won't be responsible with them or that if they are teen girls, they will see you as the cool older sister type and not as an authority figure.  if they are teen boys, they will see you as a s*x object.  all of these things are going through her head most likely.

Answer 22

the issue is not with you.  the issue is with herself.  she feels inadequate as a mother and is trying to control them with her own jealousy issues.  

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems

today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some

person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life

—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until

I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being

exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world

by mistake..."

Answer 23

Has the ex wife been around both of you with the kids?  Maybe you could start by having her over with the kids for dinner.  That way she can see that your house isn't a meth lab & she'll be able to witness your interaction with the kids.  Other than that it's really up to your husband to communicate with her & make plans ahead of time.  Pick a day & then keep reminding her so she can't make plans to divert them.  It will already be set.  

Answer 24

well they are his kids too, tell him to stand up and say something, the children arent hers to "own"